Twilight [retro viewing]

So I was watching the MTV Movie Awards the other night, and while the Twilight cast swept every category possible (Kristen Stewart over Kate Winslet? Really? Do the voters actually watch movies?) I realized that I had written a Mutant Viewing for the film weeks and weeks ago and never finished it. I’m blaming premature senioritis. Anywho, after watching Twilight win the award for Best Movie of the Year over Slumdog Millionaire, The Dark Knight, and High School Musical 3 (which was totally underrated, but that’s a rant for a different day,) I set out to finish what I started… two months ago.

Let’s start with the necessary introduction for any of you sane/lucky enough to steer clear from the Twilight trend: it’s a crappy romance between a high school girl and a century-old vampire I’m calling Cedward for obvious reasons. I got dragged into it by a couple friends who insisted I give it a chance. And I gave it a very generous chance. Because I read the whole dang series, which is pure crap. The first book is crap, each book after that is crap, and the movie is crap. I mean, it’s not just that Stephanie Meyer is a terrible writer and the story sucks; I was actually deeply offended by it’s message. But it’s got some great comedy material, so I think this is going to actually be fun!

01:32 – Words can’t describe how much I hate Bella. Who calls their mom “erratic” and “harebrained?” People don’t talk like that.

02:34 – Forks is a terrific name for a town.

08:45 – And now we meet the Cullens. Cue dramatic music.

09:08 – Why does everybody think Cedward’s so great when Emmett’s right there next to him? Kellan Lutz is such a dreamboat! I think I’m in love.

09:49 – Here comes Cedward. Excuse me while I swoon.

10:34 – Nice effect with that fan blowing her hair. That doesn’t look over the top at all.

11:08 – He looks so pained sitting next to her. That’s how you know it’s love at first sight!

14:00 – The voiceover in this movie is completely pointless. Play music instead.

15:40 – Oh, Bella’s clumsy and not at all glamorous! I so relate to her now!

If this guy was stalking me in my sleep, I might not be that mad...

16:50 – “Let a playa play!”

17:35 – “Ladies first.” What a gentleman. I bet he thinks women should get the vote, too! Swoon.

20:29 – Ew. Don’t be a Creepy McCreepster. Stop asking her probing questions.

23:31 – Bella’s being really reasonable by getting mad at Charlie. If I was almost crushed by a VW van and miraculously saved by a vampire with super human agility and my dad told my mom about it, I’d be angry too.

25:10 – Cedward’s a stalker. Swoon.

32:32 – Yeah, Angela! You’re a strong, independent woman! Unlike Bella, who would literally rather stop living than be separated from her first high school crush.

33:43 – Jacob’s adorable. If Taylor Lautner was like 5 years older, I might be in love with him.

34:19 – Just looked him up on IMDb. He’s 4 years younger than me, and at an age where it makes a difference. I’m a creeper.

35:07 – You know these are the villains because they don’t look like they stepped off the pages of an LL Bean catalogue like the well-kempt Cullens. And the girl’s a redhead, which equals evil. Just take a look at me.

37:41 – The girls are dress shopping and Bella isn’t into it. Which is weird, because what girl doesn’t absolutely love shopping, you know? She’s so different!

40:36 – And now they’re mocking seatbelt safety. Good role models.

46:44 – Mace will stop all kinds of wild animals and bloodsucking demons. Good thinking, Charlie!

49:33 – Good to know that Forks High School celebrates diversity.

50:28 – “How long have you been 17?” “A while.” Winning dialogue!

52:16 – Oh, sparkles! Swoon.

53:13 – Nothing about Cedward draws me in. Guess nature kind of flubbed up the design there.

They're young, beautiful, and brooding. And people wonder why I loathe them.

54:36 – Bella’s thought process as Cedward reveals that he vants to suck her blooood: You wanted to kill me? That’s so sweet! And I’m heroin to you? OMG, romance!

55:55 – “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” Who says that?

1:00:24 – Vegetarians don’t kill animals, stupid!

1:04:33 – Kellan actually has some lines in this scene! Hooray!

1:05:11 – Rosalie’s shoes are ridonkulous. I must own them.

1:06:16 – Not to be mean, but the girl who plays Alice is a dreadful actor.

1:07:41 – No, Bella. Cedward does not have a bed. You know why? Because he’s a freakin’ vampire!

1:09:30 – “You better hold on, Spider-Monkey!” …what?

1:10:58 – Of course. He plays piano. Swoon.

1:15:53 – I have to admit – that is a marvelous kiss.

1:17:55 – Cocking the shotgun. Way to go, Charlie.

1:20:01 – The baseball game is the only good part in the movie. But it’s kind of beyond awesome. The effects don‘t look to bad, the costumes look great, and the song rocks. I legitimately enjoy this scene.

1:23:58 – “You brought a snack.” Yup! Kettle-corn for everyone!

1:25:45 – So all of a sudden she’s Model Daughter? I detest this girl.

1:33:12 – What good is the gift of prophesy if the future’s always changing? Doesn’t that render it pointless?

1:36:51 – Don’t make a video, James. Just kill her. Please.

1:37:34 – Because I’m a Potterhead, I have to ask: Battle Royale between the Cullens and Dumbledore’s Army – who wins? My money’s on the DA, provided that they‘ve mastered Occlumency. After that, it’s just a “sectumsempra” here, an “incendio” there. Done deal.

My prom shoes. The white-balance is thrown off by my vampishly pale skin.

1:39:51 – “Remember who you are!” I like how Carlisle stops Cedward from killing James, but he has no problem with his other sons tearing him to shreds and burning the pieces. Somebody’s playing favorites!

1:41:48 – Kill her, Cedward! KILL HER!

1:42:31 – Shut up, Voiceover!

1:45:19 – Bella has to choose between sunny Jacksonville (which is sure to be filled with hot college guys and baseball players) or boring Forks, where all she has is a bloodthirsty boyfriend with no personality to speak of. And she chooses Forks. This girl’s a smart one.

1:47:37 – Fun Courtney Fact: Like Bella, I wore Chuck Taylors to my prom, but I spray-painted mine gold to match my dress.

1:53:52 – Victoria’s so badass right here. I hope they change the end of the series to her killing all of them. It would be a vast improvement over the real ending.

1:54:19 – I really do not like Twilight. I don’t get how it’s popular. The movie is at least kind of fun and really funny, but the books are just terrible. Why do they exist? They are a plague upon literature!

1:54:47 – I do like this soundtrack, though. My sister just downloaded it for me and I’m pretty happy about it.

Okay, it’s over. And I have to say, I had a really good time watching it! I may have to do this again someday. But for now, I think I’m gonna go rent season 1 of True Blood. I hear that’s pretty good. Anywho, thanks for joining me! Hope everybody enjoyed the movie as much as I did, whether it was in “the right way” or not!

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