Open Water (2003) — Soothing for sharkaphobes

“And in a month’s time, seven months ago, we would be where we were supposed to be in the first place, and paying less than we are now to be shark bait!”

Lissa’s rating: 81 minutes of Hell.

Lissa’s review: Does everyone have friends like this?

It’s New Year’s Eve, the last night of the year. The night that if you’re gonna watch a movie, maybe you should make it a good one so you can say that the last movie you saw in 2004 was good. In 2003, we watched Return of the King. This qualifies. In 2004, lovely hubby Duckie and Duckie’s Sidekick, now Draco* forced myself and Mary Jane (Sidekick’s fianceé, and she gets a cool nickname because she didn’t want to watch this either) to watch Open Water. (For those of you who don’t know, Open Water is about a couple that gets left behind on a SCUBA expedition in shark-infested waters. Yes, that’s my entire plot summary.)

Draco, I hate you. Hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you.

But I mean that in a good, loving, kind of like a sister way. Really.

But see, here’s the thing. All you readers who already know I don’t like horror flicks, please raise your hands. Hmmm… I see that’s EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! And you guys don’t even know me! This is my husband’s best friend and now one of my friends, who we hang out with all the time, who knows I go see chick flicks alone when they go see horror flicks or movies involving submarines! HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!!! I HATE this type of movie! And even worse, we went to Camden Aquarium and I’ve admitted that I am TERRIFIED of sharks! SHOULDN’T HE HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD BE PURE TORTURE FOR ME?

Ahem.

Okay, okay. So he likes it and Duckie really wanted to see it. So, being the dutiful, good, angelic, really-owed-big-time wife I am, I agreed to watch it. Just to be nice! Really! Okay, okay, maybe a few glasses of wine were involved too, but I mean, I just wanted to be a good sport! So we watched it. Oh good God, WHY do I do this to myself? Why why why why why?

If you can’t tell, I hated this movie.

Maybe it would have been different if I hadn’t known the ending. But I did. And I’m going to tell it to you right now, so stop reading if you don’t want to know what happens at the end. Stopped? Good. Okay, the couple croaks. That’s right. They DIE. The two main characters. Unconventional? Probably. But here’s the thing: What possible entertainment value does a movie about two people who become shark bait have? It is not funny. It is not amusing. It is not entertaining. It is not thought provoking. It is not educational. It is not making a point, except that you should count people who get back into a snorkeling boat. It is a movie about two people who go on vacation, go out on a SCUBA expedition, get left behind, and DIE. THEY DIE.

WHY would you possibly make a movie about this? And who in their right mind would want to watch it? Well, apparently my husband and his best friend wanted to. And they liked it! They kept going on about how freaky it was. Well, YEAH. Watching two people die (based on true events, no less!) IS freaky. But seriously — who goes to the movies saying “I want to watch two people waiting to be eaten by sharks! That sounds like a GREAT concept for a movie!”

I was miserable for a good hour of the 81 minutes of this movie. Screaming, cringing, nearly on the point of tears… yes I’m a wimp, but I know this and I respect it and I usually do not torture myself. I nearly threw my wine glass at Duckie and I repeated over and over how much I hated Draco. You know, I think I’m going to shut up about the actual experience of watching this movie, because it’s making me sound quite psychotic.

My review? All I can say is:

I HATED THIS MOVIE AND I NEVER, EVER, EVER WANT TO SEE IT OR ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH IT AGAIN!

If there is any lingering doubt about my feelings in this movie, please see this picture of me watching Open Water. Yes, it is “real” — I didn’t pose for it:

Lissa, at the ready

You might like it. I wouldn’t even call you a sick freak or anything, because I respect that much of the population does like horror movies. But I just can’t stand them. Sorry.

*Draco (formally Duckie’s Sidekick) really resented the original nickname. He asked for “Spidey.” Hah. Right. Like I’m going to give him that on this board? Especially after he made me watch Open Water? So he asked for Draco. Given that Draco Malfoy is a whining, snotty little brat, I cheerfully agreed. His fiancee got “Mary Jane” purely out of spite. He can’t have the cool nickname, but she can. So pththththhththth!

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