“Me likee tennis”
Justin’s rating: Two burning cigars in my eyeballs
Justin’s review: Chairman of the Board sitting on the shelf at the video store was like a triple-dog-dare for me to watch it. A full movie starring Carrot Top… how could I resist? I mean, I knew it’d be like watching a train wreck while tied to the tracks; I wouldn’t be able to look away even as the life was crushed out of me. I honestly could not, can not think of a more appalling combination than Carrot Top plus A Movie Starring Carrot Top.
Back in 1998, I was working part-time at a video store. The movie trailer loops we had going constantly on all the TVs featured this movie, and every time Chairman of the Board was shown, an announcer boasted that Carrot Top was named “College Performer of the Year for 1997.” Do you remember him coming to your college or voting for this? Are people who give out awards clearly insane?
Let’s start with our hero, Edison (Mr. Top). Carrot Top doesn’t even have to say a word to be supremely annoying. His mere looks suffice: the red afro, the monkey-like visage that he may call a face, his brazenly tasteless wardrobe. His personality doesn’t vouch for any redeeming qualities underneath that surface, either. Not really taking any stretch of acting, Edison is a “Wacky Inventor” whose schtick comes from “Wacky Inventions,” fart jokes, and basically being more of a jerk than Adam Sandler in Billy Madison.
Early on in the movie, he uses one of his inventions to make carrot juice in his car. Get it? His name is Carrot Top and he made carrot JUICE! Ha ha. Ha. cough. Carrot Top himself is a prop comedian, and renowned for being horribly unfunny for it. I can see why. Maybe this type of movie appeals to an 8-year-old boy demographic, but anyone outside of that will find this lacking.
Edison is the type of staple slacker we’ve seen dozens of times in comedies before. He’s got no tact, he has no ambition, yet he’s sadly misunderstood for his greatness. Gee, no ego-stroking here. What little plot there is covers Edison’s inheritance of a gadget company where his nontraditional methods bring the company to new levels of success. We all know that if Carrot Top took over a corporation in real life, his body would be found tarred and feathered in the office’s lobby by Day Two.
There’s a lot of reliable “you know, that guy” actors (Jack Warner, Raquel Welch, Larry Miller, Courtney Thorne-Smith) putting in decent performances, but having to do this beside Carrot Top is akin to prison time. Seriously, the only good thing to come of this movie was that time when Norm Macdonald slammed it on Conan:
- Dr. Evil in Austin Powers (1 or 2, I’m not sure) has a chart that lists some of his plans to take over the world, and “Carrot Top Movie” is one of them
- Carrot Top: naked at the 5 minute mark. Another fine reason to see this film!
- Also, there’s a belching contest at 1 hour and 5 minutes.