“Nukes? They got nukes here? They got nukes AND dinosaurs? That’s just perfect.”
Justin’s rating: Let’s go into orbit and launch a meteor. It’s the only way to be sure.
Justin’s review: Nobody’s gonna ever say to you with any sort of straight face that Carnosaur was a good film. But, in all of its resplendent badness, it certainly was an original creation. No? How many other films feature dinosaurs that were brought back with the help of chickens for the sole purpose of a fiendish plot to impregnate women with dinosaur babies to reclaim the planet in a new Jurassic age? Yeah, I’ll accept your apology now.
Alas, the second installment of this Roger Corman saga of fake dinos and the people who scream when they see them was hurting so bad for a plot that it went ahead and ripped off Aliens. I’m not kidding: These filmmakers guys pretty much took the script to Aliens, applied a dab of white-out here and there, and filled in a few blanks with their own version:
- A remote government facility (located in the middle of some desert) comes under attack by a mysterious and deadly creature or creatures.
- The critters manage to wipe everyone out except for one child, who is traumatized after the event.
- A military commando team is called in to investigate, although under the supervision of a plaid-shirted beaurocratic weasel. He’s hiding a secret from them.
- They fly there in a helicopter piloted by a no-nonsense lady.
- Once they get there, they find the place deserted — with mysterious signs of violence — and all evidence points to something curious going on in one of the complex’s sublevels.
- The no-nonsense lady bonds with the orphaned child. Aww.
- The critters attack when most of the squad is in the sublevels. Another creature takes out the helicopter pilot while she’s trying to take off, destroying the craft (model) and stranding the survivors there. In the middle of the vast desert, which looks not unlike suburban Los Angeles.
- The black guy dies early on.
- They weld the doors shut to the control room to keep the dinos out.
- The good guys want to use dynamite to blow up the entire facility — it’s the only way to be sure.
- The sleazebag traps the good guys and tries to kill them off.
- At the end, the kid uses a large piece of forklift to battle the queen dino and push her into an abyss.
- And then, the entire facility gets nuked while the survivors jet away in the nick of time.
While we’ve covered many movies that more or less tried to capitalize off of Aliens‘ genius, I’ve never seen a film try so slavishly to copy the plot word-for-word, except attempting to do so on an estimated budget of $14. And $7.50 of that was wasted on McQuaid’s plaid shirts.
Horrible filmmakers, write your own darn movies.
- Do all kids have such easy access to dynamite?
- Carnosaurs hate diners
- This military bunker looks like someone’s furnace room
- Military head honchos wear plaid, eye patches and sleeveless t-shirts
- Oh my goodness. “Ride of the Valkyries” during the helicopter flight. Apocalypse Now is toast.
- This is the most unprofessional and underdressed military squad of all time
- At the first sign of trouble, this squad wants to bug out. It’s called bravery, people.
- Carnosaurs, pre-attack, sound like bullfrogs
- People in this film LOVE saying the name “McQuaid”
- “Try not to think about it” — advice for those who just lost a loved one, according to this film
- Carnosaurs are smart and can use tools! Nifty!
- If you get your arm bitten off, it hurts, but you know, not too bad