Leonard Part 6

leonard-part-6-poster“Clever, but dumb.”

The Scoop: 1987 PG, directed by Paul Weiland and starring Bill Cosby, Joe Don Baker, and Gloria Foster

Tagline: The world is in his hands

Summary Capsule: The country’s most bored CIA agent is called out of retirement to fight killer anteaters, bunnies and bees. That previous sentence was 100% funnier and made 100% more sense than the film itself.

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Justin’s Rating: There’s really only one word to describe this… QUELISH!

Justin’s Review: 1987. Colorful spandex sweeps the fashion world. Delaware celebrates its bicentennial. And the era peaks for one of the most successful sitcoms in TV history, The Cosby Show. Every day, Bill Cosby woke up, donned a $10,000 custom-made sweater, shilled for pudding, and made the world adore him all over again. Aside from running out of landfills to contain his enormous wealth, Cosby complained about nothing.

That is, of course, until he became personally responsible for an ecological disaster that rendered several countries inhabitable by merely showing Leonard Part 6 at the local drive-thrus. Families were split asunder, smallpox decided that it was a good of time as any to make a comeback, and God got upset that this upstart comedian started the apocalypse without His say-so.

Perhaps you’ve heard legends of Leonard Part 6, of its raw power to drive the viewer irreversibly mad and craving meat patties. It’s all true, of course. I only survived myself because I watched this through a darkened window, with the audio dampened and translated by a disposable Slavic peasant named Paco. You will never know how much I love you, dear reader, for taking your place in the darkened theater seat. I only ask that you name your first through thirdborn after me.

There’s no way to easily explain this movie, other than me coming to your home, standing about two inches away from your face, and going “BURGGGLEMOOGA!” for an hour and a half. Bill Cosby attempted to create a spy parody (I know, hardly original, but that’s the smallest fault here) with a sense of “whimsy” and “wonder”. Alas, he was tripping on a rare exotic mushroom at the time, spat out a script that contained the most lucid of his nightmarish visions, and no one at Columbia dared to confront Dr. Huxtable lest they find themselves stripped of their genetalia by the following morning.

As you watch this film, you’ll find yourself with no place to retreat from its relentless assault. The plot — a spy dragged out from retirement to battle an evil vegetarian (the actress who played The Oracle in The Matrix ) who’s programming animals to kill — is so dull as to force your attention on all of the surrounding details. Details such as the extremely bizarre and/or lackluster acting (Cosby only looks conscious due to the advanced computer graphics at the time, but in reality he slept through the entire making of this film), the nonsensical asides, a fight done in ballet, homicidal frogs and the unnecessary self-surgery scene. No two elements of this movie mesh well together; it’s like rearranging a puzzle where the pieces are left up to the assembler’s imagination. You watching this movie will have a completely different interpretation as me watching this movie, but we will come together at the end to pronounce it “the hell?”

Now, I am a weird guy, and I have been labeled as an esoteric man (from time to time). I can appreciate weird for weird’s sake, as long as it’s sufficiently amusing or detracts me from the annoyance of having to shave. Hudson Hawk and UHF might be just as kooky as Leonard Part 6, but they still retained large quantities of actual comedy and vision. Leonard Part 6, on the other hand, only does absurd stuff to go, “Hey! We’re being weird!”, and then walks casually away, leaving you with acid indigestion. Why is there an entire subplot about Leonard’s flighty daughter getting naked on stage and dating a man 46 years her senior? No reason. Why does Leonard end up throwing thawed meat patties at vegetarian goons in white tank tops? No reason. Why does Leonard’s ex-wife keep dumping soup all over his jackets? Or a fish reading Playboy? Or boomerang knives? Or a guy who keeps yelling “Kill him!” without doing anything himself? Or the lack of Leonard 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5? To make your head freakin’ explode, that’s why!

This movie is just aggressively bad in every sense, and deserves to be forever inducted into the Hall of Cinema Trash. Even Cosby hated it, and he and George Lucas get together once a year to cry over backing Leonard and The Star Wars Holiday Special. I think I previously rented this a few times over the lifespan of MRFH, only to never make it to the end credits because I felt severe oxygen deprivation settling in. Today, my quest is complete.

Yes, if you want a movie to suck all the air from the room, Leonard Part 6 is for you. Purple strawberry fever.

Photoshopping ostriches, circa 1987

Photoshopping ostriches, circa 1987

Intermission!

  • Bill Cosby loathed this film before it even came out, despite the fact that he wrote the story and executive produced it. As the film was about to be released, Cosby appeared on several talk shows denouncing it as a terrible movie and advising people not to waste their time or money on it. He also (reportedly) purchased the TV rights so that Leonard Part 6 would never be shown on network TV.
  • The film won three Razzie Awards including Worst Picture, Worst Actor, and Worst Screenplay. All of which were personally accepted by Bill Cosby himself, he requested that they be specially made out of 24 carat gold and Italian marble, (at a cost to Fox Networks of about $27,000) and be presented to him on “The Fox Late Show” a few weeks after the actual Razzie ceremony.
  • Crayon-inspired opening credits. Underwhelming!
  • Joe Don Baker!
  • Tank car. A sweaty Bill Cosby doing ballet. A determined Bill Cosby riding an ostrich. All within the first 10 seconds.
  • Movies can be confiscated in the interests of “world security”. Like the first 5 “Leonards”. And, unfortunately not Police Academy 2-7.
  • Barking rainbow trouts can be trained to attack people based on photos. And they love the Playboy.
  • The guy has a folder marked “Eyes Only”. Well, yeah, isn’t that how you normally read stuff?
  • We apparently have the capability to blow every rainbow trout off the face of the earth.
  • QUELISH!
  • “EIGHT DEAD AGENTS” in the CIA meeting room’s chalk board. Also, a chalk board?
  • If San Francisco falls to a disaster, of COURSE the next place to “go” will be Oregon. Huh?
  • “Unpatriotic executions”? Are there patriotic executions?
  • Nobody seems to react when Monroe pulls a gun on Leonard in his restaurant kitchen. Perhaps the staff hates Leonard. I can understand.
  • Restaurant kitchens usually host a tank full of live fish and half of a skinned cow hanging in the open.
  • Going for the kill shot? Shoot with your tongue hanging out like a dog.
  • You think this movie’s sponsored by Coke? I do. I wonder why.
  • Synchronized light switching offing
  • Vegetarians are EVIL! Ask Adolf Hitler.
  • Leonard mentions he hasn’t had sex for 7 years, since his wife left. He then kisses his butler twice. You figure it out.
  • If you know why Leonard has “IPSO FACTO” on his helmet, you’re a better man than me.
  • If I’m 66 and still attracting 20-year-olds, then that ain’t half bad
  • Was he contractually obligated to hold a Coke bottle in every single scene?
  • A ton of frogs can lift and hop a car, no sweat
  • The date preparation segment is just embarrassing
  • What do gypsy fortune tellers who can’t speak English have to do with spy preparations?
  • Well, that’s just about the dumbest spy/astronaut/commando outfit, ever.
  • Armpit rockets
  • The butler is loonier than Leonard is
  • If you thought the movie was odd before Leonard goes into International Tuna, you simply aren’t prepared for the psychedelic insanity that follows
  • Most evil villains employ scary bird dancers as minions
  • And then he plucks the chicken dancer
  • Of course, the magical queen bee!
  • Kids, it’s always fun to perform surgery on yourself
  • It’s always highly disturbing to watch your daughter strip to the buff on the stage
  • Aww. Lop bunnies!
  • So Leonard just killed all the CIA guys with deadly rabbits? That seems a little counter-productive.
  • Andy, aka Mr. All I Say Is “Kill Him!”
  • Yes, that’s what I want to see, a screen-full of Cosby crotch
  • Special items in this movie are, for some reason, really sparkly
  • Vegetarians burn and explode if they’re hit with meat patties
  • People with no eyebrows look terrifyingly odd

Groovy Quotes

Medusa: The couple that spies together, dies together.

Medusa: Clever, but dumb.

If you liked this movie, try these:

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1 Comment

  1. I caught this movie on TV not too many years ago. I watched it just to see if the legends were true. Alas, the whispered tales of its resounding horribleness cannot do it justice. It was like witnessing the carnage of a bad auto accident and my brain not registering the enormity of the scene before my eyes. It was like stumbling across an unknown society that had absolutely no behavioral norms that coincided with standard human references. Alice’s adventure through the looking glass was more coherent than this.

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