Kyle: Here I am, compiling and assigned who said what to the Batman Mutant Viewing chat between myself and fellow Mutant Nancy. I was going to correct spelling mistakes and lack of capitalizations on both our parts throughout this transcripts, but then I said “No, let them see just how excited and young and thrilled we were to be watching Batman and sharing in that experience with a co-worker and friend who feels similar elation at such an activity. Let the people who will read this viewing know that raw emotion, enthusiasm, and pure love at certain overwhelmed us both to the point of misspelling words like ‘spaciousness’ and occasionally invoking internet slang/abbreviations to concisely and completely communicate our ideas and thoughts and feelings! Also, it’s like 1:35 a.m. Pacific time, and [Kyle] needs sleepy. Let’s get this out!”
So, on behalf of myself and Nancy, I hope you enjoy this viewing of the 1989 smash hit, Batman. Thanks for reading!
UPDATE! Apparently, according to Justin, writing sans correct punctuation and any sense of capitalization is only barely tolerated in e-mails and NEVER in Mutant feature articles. Who could have guessed?
KYLE: Sort of.
NANCY: According to the clock I’m looking at, not my actual computer.
KYLE: Is it? I’ve got 10:57, myself.
KYLE: Are you excited? Are you scared? Are you ready to CHAT?!?!
NANCY: I’m all of the above.
NANCY: Mostly scared.
NANCY: A little queasy.
NANCY: I’m not sure if I should make coffee.
KYLE: I went to the bathroom just now, so as to not interrupt the movie process. Just like a real trip to the movies!
NANCY: I already popped my popcorn popper for college.
NANCY: And by popped, I clearly mean packed.
NANCY: It’s 2 AM.
KYLE: I just assumed.
KYLE: It’s 11 PM. This is so weird. Philosophically, it’s very intriguing.
NANCY: Time zones freak me out.
KYLE: Me too!
NANCY: I’m just like …what? How is it a different….time? And then I start thinking of the essence of time and my head explodes and I need to watch Batman to calm down.
NANCY: Speaking oooooof….
KYLE: My Batman special edition DVD is all ready to go. Say the word and we’ll start them up.
NANCY: Ugh I hate VHS so much.
KYLE: Ha ha! You’re “lame.”
KYLE: In a good way, tho’.
NANCY: I have Batman the old movie on DVD.
NANCY: Which I suppose makes me even lamer.
KYLE: Maybe. I’m not sure.
NANCY: Hold up, I gotta fast forward through Alfred selling Pepsi.
NANCY: This is what the ’90s felt like.
KYLE: Ha! I remember the Pepsi commercial. It made me want to buy Pepsi, even though I was all about Coke. Go Alfred!
NANCY: Now Daffy Duck is telling me I can’t watch this movie without a Warner Bros. ball cap.
NANCY: FBI warning.
NANCY: I think you could cue it up now.
KYLE: Here we go!
NANCY: The Warner Bros. theme got me so psyched.
NANCY: I love how the Joker is billed before Batman.
KYLE: Easily some of the best theme music EVER. You go, Danny Elfman! I don’t even blame you for ripping yourself off for the Spider-man theme.
NANCY: Jack Nicholson > Michael Keaton.
KYLE: Just a fact of life.
NANCY: I won’t argue it.
NANCY: The music is getting intense!
KYLE: Billy Dee!
NANCY: Oh you’re a little ahead of me.
NANCY: Pause for like two seconds and we’re good.
KYLE: I wish my middle name was “Gough.” how crazy.
NANCY: My middle name is Nevada.
NANCY: I’m pretty satisfied.
NANCY: Danny Elfman!
KYLE: Prince! Excellent soundtrack.
KYLE: Ha ha! Jinx: you owe me coke!
NANCY: Ohhh, I forgot how many excellent people work on this.
NANCY: Alfred sells Pepsi. Silly Kyle.
KYLE: Here’s where you realize: whoa, it was a big Batman symbol all along. Brilliant!
NANCY: And we’re in!
KYLE: Lots of traffic on that Gotham City Bridge. What a drag.
NANCY: Gotham City looks so gritty and gross in the movie, as opposed to the comics when it had more of an air of mystery.
KYLE: I love how it’s supposed modern times, but they’re all about the fedoras in Gotham City.
KYLE: I know, it’s just the sound of traffic that makes it, but eh.
NANCY: Oh yeah. Gotham City loves fedoras.
NANCY: That’s where the town makes their money.
KYLE: Well, in the comics it was gross and gritty, then an earthquake destroyed it all, and now it’s all rebuilt and shiny. Though certainly with some crappy parts, too. *comics geekery ends… for now*
NANCY: We’re. Watching. Batman.
NANCY: It won’t end.
KYLE: So then the mom screams. Nice one.
KYLE: Ooh, Batman shadow that’s clearly animated!
NANCY: I know, she doesn’t even have a reason to, he’s already gone.
NANCY: Why do crooks make a point of doubting Batman?
KYLE: It’s cool how, for a big budget superhero movies, these crooks are clearly tweakers and addicts.
KYLE: They’re all gross-looking. Nice!
NANCY: Big-budget eighties style.
KYLE: Whoa, that’s Batman! I’d doubt him, too, until I saw him and realized “Oh, no, Batman!”
NANCY: This is like Turner & Hooch budget AH THERE HE IS!
KYLE: He just takes the bullets, and is like “Ha ha.” Nice try.
NANCY: What made them stop? Nothing. Nothing but the sad sense of impending doom.
KYLE: Well, shadows can be scary.
NANCY: Dropped his hat. Ha-ha.
NANCY: I think being hung over a ledge is the scariest thing.
KYLE: It’s amazing to think that Michael Keaton sells me on absolutely every aspect of Bruce Wayne/Batman. I totally believe when I’m watching this that he’s holding that dude over that drop just because he’s the MAN. The BATMAN, if you will.
NANCY: That’s funny, I was just gonna ask you if you thought Michael was the best Batman.
KYLE: If it weren’t Jack Nicholson playing the Joker, I think Michael Keaton would have gotten a lot more accolades.
NANCY: Hello Jack!
NANCY: Sorry, had to inform the mutant reading audience Nicholson was on the screen.
KYLE: It’s between him and Christian Bale. For the type of movies they’re in, they’re both perfect.
KYLE: No worries. JACK.
NANCY: …I have some issues with Batman Begins but we’ll talk about that a later day.
NANCY: So I’m all for Michael Keaton as the best.
NANCY: I love how he just blatantly hates her.
NANCY: (I’m referring to The Joker’s mistress, at home reading audience)
KYLE: It’s weird to empathize more with the villain (Jack/Joker) than the hero sometimes. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re selfish and vain; it makes it hard to feel like the hero all the time.
KYLE: Nah. He loves having her around, as long as she doesn’t get any handprints or skin cells on his suits. I know how he feels!
NANCY: That’s why I loooove the cheesy Adam West version. It’s so much easier to root for the villains, and the Batman villains are so cool!
NANCY: I love Knox, by the way.
KYLE: Oh, wow! I must hear about your Bale issues ASAP. Maybe during a lull.
KYLE: He’s a great touchstone, and since he’s mostly annoying so there’s no real threat of him actually wooing Vicki away from Bruce.
KYLE: It’s cool how Jack goes to the trouble of putting the money inside real bread, just to really sell the “snack” crack.
KYLE: Bob the goon. What a great sidekick! What an ironic ending! I love it.
KYLE: Lame action figure, though.
*monkygravy18 has gone offline*
KYLE: When I was a kid, I had absolutely no idea what that line meant. “Where you been spending your nights.” Now it’s like “whoa! so adult!”
*here’s a period where Kyle and Nancy spent some time trying to get reconnected via GoogleChat*
KYLE: I think I lost you right around when Bob the goon pulls his gun on Eckhardt. should I go back?
NANCY: Yeah, what happened was I kept talking and you just looked like you were typing.
NANCY: So I said a lot that you didn’t get, including stuff like “Are you dead?” and “Alfred’s first shot!”
NANCY: Go to wear Vicki and Knox meet Bruce. I’ll pause.
KYLE: WRONG! You must’ve got booted offline.
NANCY: But I’ll accept responsibility. It’s cool.
KYLE: Yeah, but it didn’t tell me I did until ten minutes after! I kept talking like a fool!
NANCY: Ha ha ha!
KYLE: No, let’s restart with the party scene. cool?
KYLE: Start with the outside shot of Wayne manor, and tell me when you’re ready.
NANCY: VHS. Remember. VHS.
KYLE: I gotcha.
NANCY: And we’re back!
KYLE: I love Knox giving Alfred money as a tip, and Alfred being all “what a douche.”
NANCY: Haha me too.
NANCY: That’s happening right….now.
KYLE: For me, too! We’re synched up, then. Awesome.
NANCY: So I might be a little behind you but whatever whatev.
NANCY: Oh good!
NANCY: Vicki’s dress is a little intense.
NANCY: I never noticed before..
KYLE: Of course, nothing compares to Alfred’s lascivious glance at Vicki.
NANCY: Alfred is so good! Always cleaning up after Bruce.
KYLE: Why would Vicki ask a dude busy with something to help her find Bruce Wayne? Weird.
NANCY: Sixth sense.
KYLE: Being eccentric is great! Being rich helps, though.
NANCY: Vicki and Bruce were meant to be.
NANCY: No, yeah, if you don’t have money, you’re just weird like me.
NANCY: Sketchy is a more appropriate word.
KYLE: Mmm, don’t you have a Batman kissing Selina Kyle picture for one of your email accounts?
NANCY: It’s also my Ichat icon and my desktop picture.
NANCY: I should put some variety in my life.
NANCY: Here we go into quick-o-land.
KYLE: I thought you wrote “Vanity” and I was like “Yeah, I could use just a little more.”
NANCY: Can never have too much vanity.
KYLE: Why be freaked out? Having loads of cool weapons and stuff would be fun.
NANCY: Vicki Vale, respected reporter, is really and seriously wearing a bad eighties prom dress.
KYLE: “King of the wicker people” is great.
NANCY: I know, Knox is so on top of his game.
KYLE: Good work, Bruce! Show those reporters who’s boss.
NANCY: Kim Basinger is BEAUTIFUL!
KYLE: Robert Wuhl is NOT!
NANCY: I get SUCH A KICK out of every time Bruce Wayne has to like casually mention Batman.
KYLE: I love how Bruce is like “oh, the Batman story. whatever.”
NANCY: Sorta jinx!
NANCY: You owe me a carbonated beverage of some sort!
KYLE: Plus, if Alfred hadn’t come in, he totally would have been like “what do I do? Well, I’m Batman, and uh… oh, damn!”
NANCY: Ha-ha, that’s true.
NANCY: Bruce Wayne would never tell a lie.
NANCY: I hate how Knox doesn’t get the girl in the end.
KYLE: Really? I love it.
NANCY: It drives me insane.
NANCY: I’m all for the funny guy.
KYLE: He gets the STORY. That’s probably what he really wants.
NANCY: Knox not getting Vicki is the same thing as Duckie not getting Andie.
KYLE: I may be funny, but since I like to think of myself as dark and mysterious and disturbed, it would be worse if Bruce didn’t get the girl.
NANCY: But in the real world, the funny guy would get the girl so fast!
NANCY: Vicki would just be like “…he’s a jerk. You’re SO funny, Knox!”
KYLE: Even the bad guys wear fedoras to corporate espionage. Very stylish!
NANCY: Gotham City is all about the style.
NANCY: I love the old time gunshot noises.
KYLE: Yeah, but Bruce has a big manor. Knox drives that p.o.s. car, so his apartment is probably like a water closet.
KYLE: Not to be elitist, but you know how it is.
NANCY: Vicki’s a smart girl, she knows how to put personality above material.
KYLE: Gordon lets Eckhardt know the score, and it’s awesome.
NANCY: She’s a reporter!
NANCY: Gordon is portrayed so differently all over the place.
NANCY: It drives me insane. I never know how I feel about him.
KYLE: That’s true. Pat Hingle did a good job, though.
NANCY: Ugh, I hate those choking noises.
KYLE: I used to think Batman shot that dude through his neck. That would have been so cool!
NANCY: Haha Batman would have to be vicious.
KYLE: I wouldn’t want to get that green stuff on my shoes and pants. Gross.
NANCY: Backwards surprise punch!
NANCY: Always very classy.
KYLE: Good timing, Batman!
NANCY: Jack’s even got the little bow on fedora.
KYLE: He probably spends a lot of time at the tailor getting it right.
NANCY: Okay, to be frank I’ve always been a little disappointed that Batman makes that grand entrance.
NANCY: Just to kick away Jack’s tiny gun.
KYLE: Well, he did save Gordon. It was worth it.
NANCY: I wanted him to do… I don’t know. Something more.
NANCY: The act was worth it, but the act itself, visually, compared with the entrance, just seemed puny.
KYLE: ‘course, Batman doesn’t do anything to save Eckhardt. Nice!
NANCY: Eckhardt has a splotchy beard.
NANCY: It’s okay.
NANCY: Aaaand The Joker begins.
KYLE: Does he purposely drop Jack, or does he slip? Hard to tell. Excellent decision on Tim Burton’s part.
NANCY: I wonder if they actually expect Batman to hold it right there or if they are just following protocol.
NANCY: “[Sigh] Hold it right there, Batman… start lining up the guards for when he splits”
KYLE: I guess it’s the first time they’re seeing him, so they don’t know he can like fly off no matter where he is.
NANCY: This makes me so mad.
NANCY: Knox and Vicki have so much more chemistry.
KYLE: Batman having a flight pattern. That’s funny!
NANCY: Okay, now look how awkward this is. She would be having a much better time grabbing some beers and hootin at some game on TV with Knox.
KYLE: I guess. See, here’s where you see Bruce having this wounded kind of charm. That’s how I am, so I’m all about Bruce getting the girl.
KYLE: Quirky wounded charm. That’s Bruce! That’s me!
NANCY: He is charming, I just feel bad for Knox.
KYLE: Some times, the ugly person loses. That’s just life.
NANCY: Dorks that everyone makes fun of but who keep on truckin’ with the bad jokes, that’s me!
NANCY: I’m actually embarrassed for Bruce here.
KYLE: It’s cool that Alfred gets in on the drunken fun here, too.
NANCY: Of course. If you had an old guy just around, wouldn’t you show him off to your hot date?
KYLE: Alfred is super-charming. If Bruce has any competition for Vicki, it’s from already, not Knox.
NANCY: That’s very true.
NANCY: Are there any other superheroes that have an Alfred equivalent?
KYLE: This is a nice little story from Vicki, but it’s hard not to just think, “Show us the boobies, Vicki!”
NANCY: If she was just “showing ya the boobies” this entire time.
KYLE: Hmm. A few others have sidekicks and benefactors, but Alfred is pretty much one-of-a-kind.
KYLE: The boobies would get old.
NANCY: Yeah. That’s what I like.
NANCY: This is my favorite scene!
KYLE: True. That’s why later it’s just great that she looks good.
KYLE: This is awesome. Crazy Nazi doctor gettin’ freaked out.
KYLE: Mirror. Mirror!
NANCY: Aaaand the giggle!
NANCY: He’s just like a big goofy purple drunk.
KYLE: But evil!
NANCY: It’s so creepy. It’s really one of the most well done scenes.
KYLE: You can actually follow in his noises how Jack’s mind breaks and reforms into the Joker. Absolutely brilliant, and with perfect musical accompaniment. Great work.
KYLE: I’ve used the “why are you afraid of flying” line on girls, who obviously aren’t huge Batman fans enough to remember where it comes from. It really can work!
NANCY: Wow, that’s pretty impressive. In a sad way.
KYLE: Should’ve had a little more security at the elevator, Jack Palance.
KYLE: More like “in an awesome way.”
NANCY: THE JOKER!
NANCY: You’re right.
KYLE: What’s that purple stuff on his neck? I’ve never understood.
NANCY: I’m so awe-strucken when The Joker is on screen I talk less.
KYLE: I know the feeling.
NANCY: I’m just like “I… can’t… be… sarcastic”
KYLE: It’s a brutal murder scene, but because it’s Jack Nicholson as the Joker it’s funny and cool.
NANCY: Okay what is about to happen is ridiculous –
KYLE: I wonder if he had to be hanging upside down for exercise purposes, or if they just wanted to hammer home the whole bat motif.
NANCY: Oh hey Bruce, sweetie… wait… where are you… oh! You are working out on some ridiculous creation! You’re not lying next to me at all. You’re not even making me pancakes.
NANCY: I really don’t see any chemistry between Bruce and Vicki.
KYLE: Man, no kidding about the Joker. Nicholson’s performance is so absolutely amazing you just sort of stop everything when he’s on-screen.
NANCY: I know it’s hard to articulate.
NANCY: Batman’s cover will be blown…
KYLE: She’s just keeping the bed warm for Selina Kyle.
NANCY: (typing is hard)
NANCY: VERY good point.
KYLE: Way to blow it, Alfred.
NANCY: I looooove that relationship, as constantly displayed by my motif.
NANCY: Remember earlier when I said “This is my favorite part!”
NANCY: I’ll probably say that during every Joker scene.
KYLE: Yeah, this gangster meeting is fantastic. “Life’s been good to me, ha ha ha.”
KYLE: Him murdering Tony with his joy buzzer is wonderful.
NANCY: I love it when he thinks “Oh, I got a live one here” is sooo hilarious.
NANCY: That sequence of events was so smooth.
KYLE: And the use of this dialogue in the prince ‘Batdance’ song makes the entire soundtrack worth buying.
NANCY: Drop the dead guy, blow the buzzer, other bad guys enter.
NANCY: This is so eerie…when he wipes away the sweat and the white shines through.
KYLE: Does he do it on purpose? It’s so smooth!
KYLE: Watch his hankie pop up!
NANCY: He must!
NANCY: You! Are my number one! GUY!
NANCY: I love it.
KYLE: “Remember: you… are my number one… GUY!”
KYLE: Me too!
KYLE: Then he mocks him. Awesome!
NANCY: Talking to charred corpses really cements the crazy.
NANCY: No, not the smile. Not the murder.
KYLE: Having the conversation with the burnt corpse is a wonderful way to ARGH. We’re too much alike, you and I.
NANCY: Making bad jokes at dead people really pushes him over the edge.
KYLE: I say this at a lot of funerals. “I’m glad you’re dead! Ha ahahahaha hahahah!”
NANCY: Well, we ARE Batman fanatics watching it at the same time for the same purpose.
KYLE: Nice vest, there, Knox.
KYLE: Batman Begins at least did a better job of capturing how big a deal it was when the Waynes got killed back in the day.
NANCY: Okay, that’s true, I will give it that.
NANCY: My problem is less of a problem and more of a severe personal preference.
NANCY: Batman Begins’ whole mood and story were so drastically different. There was very little comic book feel and no light-hearted moments.
NANCY: Vicki is such a creep!
KYLE: Oh, really? We’ll have to fight about that later, during our ‘Batman Begins’ co-viewing. I WILL FIGHT YOU.
KYLE: Vicki is sort of a louse.
NANCY: You can’t argue that Batman Begins is a light-hearted romp.
KYLE: ‘Batman Begins’ is a light-hearted romp! Just because it lacks murderous mimes doesn’t mean it’s not.
NANCY: Okay, my feelings in short. First two = perfect. Third and fourth = too goofy.
NANCY: People got scared by them and then Batman Begins was just too heavy and too dark.
KYLE: The Joker killing this dude with a poison quill is also wonderful!
KYLE: Billy Dee!
KYLE: “This town needs an enema!”
NANCY: Gordon just got stabbed.
KYLE: Well, it’s a bad guy, not Gordon, otherwise we’re good.
NANCY: You’re right.
NANCY: And also that was a slip-up due to 3 a.m.
NANCY: Not due to me not having have seen this movie eighty times.
NANCY: I swear!
KYLE: Oh, yeah. I know. It’s only midnight here, but I got about two hours of sleep last night so I’m fairly faded.
NANCY: Ha-ha! This town needs an enema! Aaaand then party noises.
NANCY: Me too, it’s been a crazy couple of days.
KYLE: Alfred is psychic. that must be helpful!
NANCY: And profound. “If not now… when?”
KYLE: I’ve always taken Alfred’s advice as just being like “Forget marriage. Just have fun with it!”
NANCY: Wow. You hear things how you want to hear them.
NANCY: Who said that?
NANCY: I don’t know if it’s just a girl thing, but when it’s late at night, do you find that you can’t stop eating?
NANCY: I just hop from random food item to random food item.
KYLE: Ha ha! no, you’re right. I do get what he’s meant to imply.
NANCY: I know, I know. Sarcasm and wit is tricky over the Internet.
KYLE: When I got here, I opened a thing of chewy chips ahoy and a big glass of chocolate milk and could’ve easily eaten the whole bag.
KYLE: So I know about weird appetites. You, me, and Joker!
KYLE: Make some moogy? Brilliant!
NANCY: I had some peanut butter, than a roll, and now I’m eating refried beans and thinking about milk.
NANCY: Who knows what the future holds?
NANCY: This next part is mind-blowingly cool.
KYLE: I was dying for fish tacos, since it’s $1 fish taco night, but I didn’t make it before closing.
KYLE: Oh well.
KYLE: Yeah. When he does the “I get a grin: ag’in and ag’in” I usually go back a couple times to hear it again. Fabulous!
NANCY: Very much so.
KYLE: Tough luck, Becky!
NANCY: This computer doesn’t check my typing for me so expect more typos.
NANCY: Love that Joker!
KYLE: No worries. I’ll fix ’em later.
KYLE: “Love that Joker”
NANCY: Also, I got a tortilla shell as I got milk.
NANCY: So that’s five weird unexplained cravings tonight.
KYLE: I guess that’s a sign of being “young” and “interesting.”
KYLE: Or just having immense intestinal fortitude.
NANCY: Or, just a sign of being fat.
NANCY: …You say ‘fat’ smarter than I do.
KYLE: I try. I’m very good at compliments.
NANCY: I love how gross they look.
KYLE: Just like Batman!
NANCY: It’s such a nice touch.
KYLE: You can just tell they smell really, really bad.
NANCY: Batman would have never been late for fish taco night.
NANCY: I know. It hurts me.
KYLE: Batman would have been right where I was: flirting with the girl in the movies/music section at Barnes & Noble. Nice try!
NANCY: She’s incredibly disturbing.
KYLE: True. That’s what she gets for getting hand sweat on his suit earlier.
NANCY: Alicia, not the Barnes and Noble girl, at home reading mutant audience.
KYLE: Isn’t it cool how every building in Gotham City is industrial techno Goth in gray concrete? My kinda town!
NANCY: Oh my gosh, the best thing that ever happened in humanity is about to happen.
NANCY: Right on our TVs!
NANCY: Kyle, aren’t you excited!?!?!
KYLE: The Prince song?
KYLE: I’m semi-excited.
NANCY: I just gave my computer a semi-mean look, then realized you couldn’t see it.
NANCY: I write love notes in crayon and childish handwriting, too, Mr. Joker.
NANCY: I love how his henchmen suddenly have personalities.
NANCY: They are usually so sullen and now they are goofy fools!
NANCY: I love it.
KYLE: And club Joker jackets!
NANCY: Joker is such a weird dancer
KYLE: Partyman! Partyman!
NANCY: Ha-ha, he just has lovin’ music all set on tape.
KYLE: The Joker would like that one. Ha ha!
NANCY: Typical Joker.
NANCY: I just realized you’re a teensy bit ahead of me.
KYLE: No, I meant the painting in the hallway. We’re synched.
NANCY: Joker really is an artist.
NANCY: Ohhh, got it.
NANCY: I have such weird respect for the Joker.
NANCY: I feel for The Joker the way I feel for Magneto.
NANCY: Ugh! This is so damn eerie!
KYLE: It’s sort of like when you find yourself liking hippies and drug addicts. They’re so committed to their lifestyle and confident in their positions because they think they’re in the “right,” that it’s hard to dislike them because they’re content and happy in their personal choices.
NANCY: “I’m no Picasso, but… do you like it?”
KYLE: Just like Joker!
KYLE: It’s kind of lame, in a lot of ways. I expected a little more exposed bone and weird skin distortions.
NANCY: Right. And they are totally justified in all of their points when it comes down to the fact that most of them are based on personal choice.
NANCY: No, I mean before she shows it.
NANCY: I was let down too.
KYLE: This “melting” gag is brilliant, too. You deserved an Oscar, Jack!
NANCY: But, you have to give a murderous maniac credit if he’s like “I’m consciously making the decision to be a murderous maniac.”
NANCY: He really does.
NANCY: For The Shining too.
KYLE: Great Batman sequence here.
NANCY: And Michael Keaton deserves one for Beetlejuice.
KYLE: The introduction to the Batmobile is fabulous. Great song!
NANCY: I love the doofy little Joker cars though.
NANCY: Maybe I just love funky color combinations.
KYLE: True. They should be easy to find later, you’d think.
NANCY: Yeah! Seriously: how many purple and lime green cars are darting around Gotham City?
NANCY: Maybe later, when people get so used to the concept of the Joker that they start mocking him, but not now.
NANCY: Not now.
NANCY: And yes, lettuce!
NANCY: That’s amazing.
KYLE: Nice brakes, on the Batmobile.
NANCY: The shields, I mean.
KYLE: Yep. How cool would they be on your own car? COOL!
NANCY: Wicked cool.
NANCY: That’s so insanely scary.
KYLE: Way to lie about your age and almost get Batman killed, Vicki!
NANCY: Being pulled up by that harness.
KYLE: Not age. Weight. Same thing, I guess.
NANCY: Yeah, she’s dumb.
NANCY: She doesn’t deserve him.
NANCY: She deserves someone… more on her level.
KYLE: Whoa, we’re all bitter tonight. It’s fun!
NANCY: Oh, what’s that?
KYLE: Like Warren from There’s Something About Mary.
NANCY: I’ll be Warren for Knox for Vicki.
NANCY: I hope that made sense.
KYLE: I think it does.
KYLE: It makes as much sense as a crazy swordsman attacking Batman like a nut job.
NANCY: Hahaha thaaat’s true!
NANCY: I love this part.
NANCY: “You weigh a little more than 108” “Oh, really?”
KYLE: At least Bob is smart. He’s like “yeah, I’ll fight you later, Batman.”
NANCY: Bob is so on top of his game.
KYLE: “Descent into Mystery” is a great track on the Batman soundtrack.
KYLE: This is all miniature work, I believe, and it looks fabulous. Classy sequence!
NANCY: Wow, I didn’t know that.
NANCY: I love that weird little moment Vicki and Batman shared.
KYLE: I think I remember reading that in the official movie magazine, back in the day.
NANCY: Oh! I didn’t even tell you about the good omen for our mutant viewing!
KYLE: Tell me!
NANCY: Earlier, my friend ordered a grinder, but her boyfriend wouldn’t give it to her for some dorky, ha ha ha reason.
NANCY: He hid it in a light fixture and she assigned me to sneak around and get it.
NANCY: And when I did, he caught me at the last second, and I ran, and then I threw it at her, and he intercepted, and then my friend was like “Whoa, you’re like Batgirl or something!”
NANCY: And I said “ho ho ho, you don’t even KNOW what I’m doing later!”
KYLE: Batman’s all shy, trying to keep away from Vicki’s attentive gaze. Just like me and my emo brethren!
NANCY: Just wear a mask so you can say “And Batman wears a mask, just like me!”
KYLE: You should have beaten him up like one of the Joker’s goons.
KYLE: It really isn’t a normal world, is it?
KYLE: Christian Bale did a great job as Batman, but Michael Keaton did the best job at selling dressing up like a bat as a viable response to childhood trauma and escalating crime.
NANCY: Everyone I’ve ever watched this with makes a rape joke at this point.
KYLE: Rape joke?
KYLE: That’s tough!
NANCY: Like “You have something else I want” and then she wakes up knocked out in her own bed.
KYLE: I like to note how absolutely filthy her feet are from last night.
NANCY: I didn’t notice, good call.
KYLE: “I have given a name to my pain, and it is _____” is a great way to really let people know when something is upsetting you.
NANCY: Alfred loooves Vicki.
NANCY: I love when Alfred cares.
NANCY: And I totally agree.
KYLE: Of course, he’s sure willing for Bruce to give up the Batman secret. To a reporter? Nice one, Alfred.
NANCY: Please note Vicki’s weird random braid.
KYLE: Good call! It’s like she was bored and said “I’ll do something different today.”
KYLE: Great bantering, Bruce!
NANCY: Yeah, they literally had a one-night stand and then he expects her to be trustworthy with the Batman secret.
NANCY: Yeah, around here they get a little chemistry.
NANCY: But it starts in Batman, with the weight joke.
KYLE: Because he gets vulnerable here, with a fairly nonsensical metaphor. That’s cool, Bruce!
KYLE: I use this a lot, too! “My life is really… complex.”
NANCY: “Goes downstairs.” She lives in an apartment, Bruce!
NANCY: You owe EVERY girl to Batman.
KYLE: I love this, because I’m not normal, either. Bruce is right!
NANCY: Goood music!
KYLE: The mouthing of “I’m Batman. I’m Batman!” is great!
KYLE: I love how Bruce and the Joker both note the spaciousness of Vicki’s apartment.
KYLE: I know, it’s so good
NANCY: Ha-ha, well it is very spacious, Kyle.
NANCY: She just grabs a bowl of popcorn for protection.
KYLE: Nah, she doesn’t want him to break it.
NANCY: Mmm, popcorn IS tasty.
KYLE: It’s cool how Bruce gets all “nuts.” Awesome!
NANCY: Man, I really wish I didn’t already pack my popcorn popper.
NANCY: Oh my gosh, yes.
NANCY: I can’t wait.
KYLE: LET’S GET NUTS!
NANCY: It’s so out of character.
NANCY: Vicki must be so weirded out.
KYLE: True, but it’s a weird situation, so that’s what you have to do, kinda.
NANCY: You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
KYLE: That would freak me out, too.
KYLE: There goes all the popcorn.
NANCY: I know, Bruce’s reaction is so good. Just like “…what?”
NANCY: Oh, darn.
NANCY: His rhyme and his little dance he does is so funny.
NANCY: The camera going in is amazing, too.
NANCY: Also, the part with the flower now!
KYLE: Yeah. Nearly every creative aspect of Batman is just so great.
KYLE: Good musical swell!
KYLE: So sad, so sad.
KYLE: See how easily Vicki pretty much deduces Bruce is Batman? You’d think half the city would figure it out, too.
NANCY: ‘Don’t get personal… with Bruce! You can get personal with me, if you like.’
NANCY: I know, it’s so frustrating.
NANCY: I’m just like “Really guys… take one guess. Just one guess, that’s all you need.”
KYLE: Is Alfred down with the crusade or not? It’s hard to tell!
NANCY: Alfred is just there to sit and offer ambiguous advice, so you always feel either bad or great about yourself.
NANCY: Bruce is pretty much a pessimist, so he always feel like he needs to improve.
KYLE: “On the other hand, he had a tremendous singing voice.” That’s awesome!
NANCY: That feels like it was improvised by Nicholson.
NANCY: I wonder if any of his lines were.
KYLE: I like how no one cares about any of this until the money element pops up.
KYLE: Hard to say. It seems pretty natural. Except for “Bat-man.” Weird emphasis there, Jack-o!
KYLE: This part is so tragic.
KYLE: Very well executed pathos!
KYLE: Synchronized footsteps!
NANCY: That’s a very good choice.
NANCY: High heel clinks will always raise suspense. IT will never get old.
NANCY: Jack reminds me of the bad guy in The Frighteners in this scene.
KYLE: Hey, not to be lame, but do you want to finish this up tomorrow or something? I’m like a blink away from passing out and I have to get up super-early to work.
KYLE: I’M SO LAME.
NANCY: Lame, but I’ve actually been sneaking to my room to make my bed and put on pajama pants.
KYLE: So yes, let’s pause right… now!
KYLE: What time tomorrow?
NANCY: All I’m doing is packing, so I’m pretty much free all day.
KYLE: Okay. I work until the afternoon and then I have a work meeting, but I’ll try to let you know an exact time around noon via email. Cool?
KYLE: Are you staying up late again?
NANCY: Cool. I can, doesn’t really matter.
KYLE: Alright. We’ll figure it out.
NANCY: Excellent, sleep well.
KYLE: Thanks, Nancy. And I’ll save our transcript on my end: it’s all good.
NANCY: Good call, cause I’m hoping from comp to comp.
KYLE: You, too. ttyl!
THE SECOND NIGHT: FINDING EACH OTHER VIA CHAT AND GETTING READY TO FINISH ‘BATMAN’
If you’re happy and you know it… well, you’re dead
KYLE: I will fight you!
NANCY: Aha! Yes!
KYLE: I am full of hamburgers and visibly aroused. Are you ready to roll with this?
NANCY: I just spent three hours perusing through magazines trying to find articles about my college for the records. I’m considering popcorn. And yes.
KYLE: Sure. I wrote some superhero poems: I’m going to send them to you so you can tell me if they’re “cool” or “lame.”
KYLE: You know it. So what’s the plan here?
NANCY: Hold up.
NANCY: Let me end some other conversations before I roll with this.
KYLE: Sure. I need a few minutes, too! Then I’ll be ready.
NANCY: Alright, I’m almost wrapped up so lemme know when you’re good.
NANCY: I had Batman on pause and then it unpaused.
KYLE: Sorry. Ready!
KYLE: Where do I need to go in the movie?
NANCY: Kim Basinger just said “But that wasn’t just another night for either of us, was it?”
NANCY: Bruce Wayne and Vicki are in the Batcave.
NANCY: Alright, unpaused!
NANCY: “I mean, we both got to each other didn’t we?”
NANCY: How could she have REALLY loved him since she met him?
KYLE: It happens. Souls connect, in reel life and real life!
NANCY: Ha-ha, cute
KYLE: It can pay off, quite well, in life.
KYLE: I love how much of this dialogue gets used in the AWESOME prince soundtrack.
NANCY: Yeaaah! You go to work!
KYLE: He just blows her off, like “Well, if I get back let’s get it on, but I’ve GOT to do this. That Batplane was expensive, you know?”
NANCY: He’s very responsible, putting work before sex and all that.
NANCY: I’m also double-commenting with my roommate now, so I’m in witty overload!
KYLE: This part is awesome, although this is where I had the most discussions with friends. They were like “Batman wouldn’t use a bomb knowing he was going to kill all those people!”
NANCY: I love it when the Batmobile goes through fire.
KYLE: And I was and continue to be like “BOOM! f**k yeah he would!”
NANCY: “F**ck yeah he would!” is always the best argument.
KYLE: Wonderful music here! When my mom bought me the Batmobile toy for me, I would always hum this “Attack of the Batmobile” music while driving it around.
KYLE: I have no idea what the Joker says. “Junior bird man?” That’s great!
NANCY: Weird, cause I always hum this song.
NANCY: I love how he dances.
KYLE: All these songs, prince and Danny Elfman alike, are wonderfully “hummable.”
NANCY: Like a real, legit forty year old with back problems.
KYLE: Keep in mind: he has a gun with like a four-foot barrel in his pants. So that’s affecting his dancing here.
NANCY: Is it weird that I expect my villains to maintain their dance moves even with evil plans underway?
NANCY: I’ll be honest; I’d trust the Joker
KYLE: It’s a very “James Bond villain” expectation of you. I have one similar, so I can’t complain.
KYLE: That’s why I’m glad I’m dark and brooding, because I’d totally go along with Batman on whatever. And I’d live!
KYLE: The Batwing music is so awesome. I remember when the movie preview was around and it started with the Batwing, and it was like “oh man! Batman!”
KYLE: I love the bill that happens to drop on the Joker’s hat. Great job, gravity!
NANCY: Sorry, someone just walked in my dorm.
NANCY: College is crazy!
KYLE: Fo’ ‘soh!
NANCY: This part freaks me out.
NANCY: So. Hard.
NANCY: I like how she says ‘no!’ AS SHE’S ENTERING the car.
NANCY: THAT’S SO SCARY!
NANCY: (for our readers, the part where the guy lies smiling dead on her window)
KYLE: See, this is an appropriate “secondary hero” part for movies like this. Knox helps out, but not overbearingly or in a way that makes us go “Man, HE should be the main hero.” (see: James Marsden in Superman Returns)
NANCY: Knox always sounds like he’s about to tell a joke, even when he is on the hood of a moving vehicle.
KYLE: It’s very rewarding to have Batman do a reconnaissance of the scene before he takes action. It makes him seem more into strategy and planning things out.
KYLE: Probably because [Knox is] a douchebag.
KYLE: I have no idea how he gets cut on that head like that. Are those feathers sharp? Weird.
NANCY: He’s probably one of the more precise super heroes.
NANCY: I love that — “…those are my balloons!”
KYLE: I don’t like how the baby balloon is all swollen in one shot, but back to normal in another.
NANCY: Oooh, good catch.
KYLE: Pretty much anything the Joker says is fabulous.
NANCY: Yeah, we should just stop talking about it.
KYLE: “Bob, gun. *BANG*” = genius.
NANCY: I love it!
KYLE: No, you need a guy like Joker to counterbalance (Michael Keaton’s) Batman.
NANCY: “I’m gonna need a minute or two, boys…”
KYLE: Christian Bale would have a raspy witticism, so there you go.
KYLE: Great use of a bat-shaped plane! Why does he do this, exactly? To gain a lot more potential energy for the strafing run? I don’t care: it’s the Batwing in front of the moon and I’ll never forget it!
NANCY: Me either, it really is just for little show off-y looks.
KYLE: See, this is the only cool thing missing from Batman Begins: Batman using heavy artillery on everything.
NANCY: …’only’ cool thing missing?
NANCY: I beg to differ.
NANCY: But alright.
KYLE: Oh man. Discussion for another time.
KYLE: Pretty clearly toy cars on the street for the big Batplane crash, but otherwise it’s looking good!
NANCY: Vicki is an extraordinary woman.
NANCY: I love the cute little marriage talk Joker does.
KYLE: I think it’s impressive that for wearing white, she doesn’t get dirty at all, except a little in the face.
KYLE: Ever hear how apparently it really is exactly ten minutes from the Joker saying that to the helicopter arriving at the top of the cathedral? Nice, Tim Burton!
NANCY: Completely side note – I think it’s the funniest think in MST3K – The Movie when one of the aliens says “You are starting a very long journey” and Crow/Tom Servo goes “Mawwage!”
NANCY: No, I haven’t!
KYLE: Oh, no! Holy internal bat injuries!
KYLE: That’s impressive!
NANCY: I love this tower chase scene.
KYLE: I would LOVE to do that in a church, and accidentally knock down like every pew. and be all “I’m Batman!”
NANCY: I know.
KYLE: It’s hard to run in high heels. probably.
NANCY: What a bitchy thing for Joker to do.
NANCY: It’s actually fun.
NANCY: If you have good balance, you make cool clinky noises and it’s a hell of a good time.
KYLE: Sure. It’s fun and completely against the laws of physics for her shoes to fall in front of Batman like that.
KYLE: But it IS dramatic, so it’s all worth it.
NANCY: Oh yeah.
NANCY: My roommate just asked me if the cops were good or bad and all I can say is…
KYLE: “They’re kinda dumb.”
KYLE: Especially after the big bell falls and no other cop except Gordon even tries to move it. “Sorry, comish, we’re union guys.” nice!
KYLE: It’s very mythological that Batman has to make the trek all the way to the top as well. He probably has some kind of grappling apparatus on his belt, even after the crash, but to “prove” himself he makes the climb. Cool!
NANCY: I love screaming flip flop man.
NANCY: And the death dance!
NANCY: Not death.
KYLE: When me and a bunch of soccer teammates saw this, we all winced at the crotch-smash scene, because we all knew how that feels.
NANCY: But carting Vicki around like she’s a corpse.
KYLE: Random henchman death is cool, though. He just happens to hit a bad part of the floor, and bye bye!
NANCY: I know, luck is on Batman’s side.
NANCY: I LOVE THE JOKER!
KYLE: if I’m doing tai chi or something strenuous where I have to grunt, I ALWAYS think of the rope-and-pulley henchman guy and the noises he makes.
KYLE: Eeah! Ergt! Hungt! Braft!
KYLE: Batman is one tough motheryouknowhwat.
KYLE: More wanton, blatant Batmurder. I see no problem here.
NANCY: Me either.
NANCY: I always feel bad for Vicki when she has to kiss his arm.
NANCY: I think it’s the creepiest thing in the world.
NANCY: And the look on the Joker’s face.
KYLE: It’s probably the finest material around, though, so it probably tastes like butter or something.
NANCY: It gives me the shivers.
KYLE: “Love that Joker!”
NANCY: That’s true, his outfit is made out of butter. Purple butter.
KYLE: Wait until your first big college dance/kegger/rave! You can’t help but taste clothes.
KYLE: Here’s where Batman becomes completely and totally awesome!
NANCY: …that’s a hard thing to pinpoint.
KYLE: Like Michael Keaton is CRAZY as Batman here. so awesome. That’s great acting.
NANCY: I love Michael Keaton is the best Batman because he is not the stereotypical Batman.
NANCY: Also, we can’t call Batman on things like walking up the tower!
NANCY: Because we should always assume he has some kind of bat apparatus to get him out of any situation, including this one.
KYLE: Cool that the Joker immediately knows (or pretends to know) exactly what Batman is talking about regarding killing Bruce’s parents.
NANCY: Oooh, that’s true.
NANCY: The Joker could put two and two together and reveal his identity.
NANCY: No, he could not.
NANCY: Actually, I thought that through.
NANCY: Alright, now he doesn’t have the gun in his pants and he’s still dancing funny.
KYLE: Nah, it was more later when I heard about “feats of strength” and the like that I realized having Batman make the complete climb instead of using a bat-tool to zip up was rife with mythological heroism type of elements.
KYLE: Must be the cut of his pants. They’re really high.
NANCY: “Feat of strength?” What’s that?
KYLE: Does the Joker care if Batman and Vicki pull themselves up? Who knows?
KYLE: Take a mythology class, and you’ll find out!
NANCY: I’m not sure.
NANCY: I will!
KYLE: Edith Hamilton’s Mythology is required reading. Or just have it out on your table at lunch to impress boys.
NANCY: I’ve read it.
NANCY: Freshman year.
NANCY: I still have it.
KYLE: You can tell the Joker is thinking it over. He’s like “should I tell the helicopter to carry me over the building so I’ll fall a few feet, or just fall to my death? I think I’ll fall to my death! Aaaaaaah!”
NANCY: My problem – I wish they brought the Joker to Arkham Asylum
KYLE: Strangely, the Joker’s death is EXACTLY how I’d like to depart this world. Laughing bag in pocket and all.
NANCY: I think it would just be cooler to think that the Joker had a possibility of popping up in future Batman movies
NANCY: I love Knox! He is not a douchebag! I don’t even care!
KYLE: True. I guess for the world of film, they think villains need to be dealt with finally and decisively in the film they show up in.
NANCY: He’s such a cute fellow.
KYLE: Knox IS cool.
KYLE: I guess that’s fair.
KYLE: He’s just not Batman.
KYLE: But in something like All The President’s Men he’d be like a god.
NANCY: Haha, true!
NANCY: He should relocate out of Gotham City.
KYLE: Maybe Vicki picks him up before she leaves town (before Batman Returns) and Knox gets a happy ending with Vicki?
KYLE: That can be your dream.
NANCY: It is!
NANCY: And Batman still reigns supreme!
KYLE: Which is not a problem. Batman belongs with Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina Kyle. You know it to be true!
NANCY: I KNOW.
NANCY: Also refer to my Batman Returns review.
NANCY: For my latest revelation about how I am, actually, Selina Kyle.
NANCY: It’s over, kids.
KYLE: I read that. Fantastic.
NANCY: It’s been a great ride.
KYLE: Stay for the music, though! Danny Elfman did such a great job, all he has to do now for the rest of his life is rip himself off. (see: Spider-man theme music)
KYLE: Final thoughts? how does Batman help you in your new life as “Nancy: college student?”
NANCY: Well, I think that it is probably gives me the courage to walk up staircases for posterity as opposed to taking the elevator… oh, hello Prince… it gives me the bravery to maintain mystique and it gives me the strength to carry on.
NANCY: How does Batman help you in your current life?
KYLE: Man, Prince is cool.
NANCY: Tonight is gonna be scandalous!
NANCY: It might be.
NANCY: I don’t have class till 1:40 tomorrow.
KYLE: I’m a big brooder, so I draw upon Michael Keaton’s dark and mysterious brooding (especially that introductory scene in ‘Batman returns’) when I’m trying to brood and impress girls who might be observing me.
NANCY: Good call!
NANCY: That’s exciting for you.
NANCY: So are you gonna fix all this up and send it to the captain?
KYLE: Sure! Have we said enough greatness? Probably.
NANCY: I’m pretty sure this will entertain the masses.
NANCY: Shall we consider Batman Begins in the future?
KYLE: I would think so. DEFINITELY!
NANCY: Drop me a line when you’re schedule allots the time!
NANCY: (that almost rhymed!)
KYLE: For that, let’s figure out an evening where we’re completely free enough to do the whole movie at once YOU JUST BEAT ME TO SAYING THIS DANG IT!
KYLE: Sure. Maybe next week. Let me know about those poems, if you can, yeah?
NANCY: I’m gonna go socialize for a little bit and expand my horizons.
KYLE: Rock on, btw. Enjoy the collegiate experience!
NANCY: I’ll talk to you later.