Epic Movie [retro review]

“Who wants to play with Willy?”

The Scoop: 2007 12A, directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, and starring Kal Penn, Jennifer Coolidge and Fred Willard.

Tagline: We Know It’s Big. We Measured.

Summary Capsule: It’s as if someone took the notion of “parody” and gave it the worst wedgie you’ve ever seen.

Justin’s Rating: Crispin Glover? Man, George McFly would’ve KNOWN better.

Justin’s Review: If I was to do a casual research study of what genre most of the widely-recognized “bad movies” lay in – and I have things to pickle, so I’m leaving it up to you to do – I’d bet the farm that a large percentage would rest on some dusty “comedy” shelf. There’s something deeply insulting when filmmakers try to shove a lame product into your mind under the pretense that it’s supposed to make you laugh. When said product is not only devoid of any promised laughs, but is also a receptacle for a cinematic sewer line, I’d call it justifiable cause for loud screaming, random looting and worldwide anarchy. In other words, it’s hunting season on Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. I have declared it, and you shall obey. Bring me back their scalps, and you shall be richly rewarded. Bring me back any other body parts, and I’m gonna go “ew” and fire up the grill.

Friedberg and Seltzer are guilty of numerous movie crimes dating back to Scary Movie, which introduced to the world a new type of parody movie: one in which no actual parody takes place, but they hope you won’t notice if they just reshot other movies scene-for-scene and throw in the collected waste product of a thousand cows with the trots. Then Date Movie came out, and film critics everywhere declared it one of the portents of the apocalypse. I saw it, I hemorrhaged internally, and I tried to warn you. You thought, “Oh ho, that crazy Justin is being a silly bunny” and watched it anyway. Then, after the courts found the movie acceptable cause for your mass killing spree, you re-entered society and drank in Epic Movie without a second thought.

Let’s look at this another way: each of these three movies that Friedberg and Seltzer have worked on had a budget of $20 million. That’s 60 million perfectly good dollars that weren’t just wasted, but were used to slaughter our minds the same way Smithfield Foods butchers pigs. They could have handed $1 million to 60 different indie movie directors, and we would’ve been guaranteed at least one or two films that wouldn’t have based entire plot points around poopy pukey pee boobies. Think of that, next time you purchase a movie ticket and give Friedberg and Seltzer the satisfaction of thinking that they’re real movie-makers and not putrid bottom-of-the-garbage-can scumwater.

Perhaps you’re thinking that I’m being too hard on these two guys, who might very well be nice fellas just trying to earn an honest day’s wage. Perhaps you might like to invest in a tanning enterprise at the North Pole – I have no notion as to the depth of your delusion. After watching these movies, the “fruit” of their hoary “tree”, there’s no room in my mind for the thought that these two idiots are anything but those hyena-laughing frat boys you used to see in college who might devote an entire weekend to chuckling over a well-timed fart. They’re unfunny dolts who, if the world was fair, would be hauling manure around while thinking lustful thoughts about 47-year-old diner waitresses named Flo. I don’t like to sling the word “hate” around much, but I genuinely hate these guys – I hate their attitudes, their laziness, their disrespect of women, and their humor.

There’s just not much to say about Epic Movie, partially because there isn’t much to the movie itself, and partially because I’m literally seeing red and having a hard time keeping my heart rate below 200. There’s nothing “epic” about it, just scene after scene of extreme anti-humor, as they copy one of the last few years’ summer blockbusters, make some retarded twist to the concept, and suck the last shred of dignity out of filmmaking. I mean, it’s $20 million for a scene that is nothing more or less than actors vomiting all over each other. How can that not make you cry?

I’m reminded of Mike Judge’s Idiocracy, which, by the way, is a great example of biting satire. In it, Judge envisions a future where society had become so dumb that the highest grossing movie was called Ass, and was simply that: 90 minutes of a butt. If people are flocking to films like Epic Movie in enough numbers to make that studio a profit and guarantee future endeavors by pseudo-humans Friedberg and Seltzer, then how far removed are we from this horrific vision?

P.S. – I just thought of another idiotic thing. You’re making an epic movie parody and you choose to focus on the Narnia movie far above and beyond the BIGGEST EPIC OF THE LAST DECADE? I mean, Lord of the Rings only gets lip service here! Go back to kindergarten, directors, you need to relearn life!

Justin lied! This is clearly an awesome movie!

Intermission

  • Is it worth staying through the end credits? Well, there’s stuff that goes on during and after the credits, but you’ll be in a blissful coma so I don’t think it matters.
  • If there’s breakdancing in the first two minutes, is that a bad sign?
  • Is Nacho Libre really classified as an “epic movie” to parody?
  • Well, they certainly ran that Samuel Jackson quote into the ground
  • “As if!” They still say that? I’m pretty sure they don’t.
  • Ha ha, he ate poop. Must be a high point for Kal Penn’s career.
  • Yay for watching a TV in a toilet that someone is peeing in
  • Ah, a Kal Penn/White Castle joke. Splendid.
  • How many pee jokes can one movie hold? Poop jokes? Crotch punches/kicks? Random nudity?
  • The Harry Potter scene was… well, just a little bit funny. Just a little bit.
  • Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly gave this movie a positive review. He’s yet another reason why that magazine sucks.

 

Groovy Quotes

Edward: Whoa, Stifler’s mom!

Willy: Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?
Edward: Uh-huh.
Willy: It’s a special secret ingredient. It’s real human parts. There’s gonna be a little itty bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy, literally.

If you liked this movie (and gee, who wouldn’t?), try these:

  • Date Movie
  • Scary Movie
  • Freddy Got Fingered
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2 Comments

  1. The Harry Potter scene was… well, just a little bit funny. Just a little bit.

    A proof of the old saw about how a broken clock is right twice a day.

    I’m thinking that perhaps Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer is in reality a manifestation of Nyarlathotep.

  2. Pingback: Hellboy II: The Golden Army | Mutant Reviewers From Hell

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