American Pie Presents The Naked Mile [Retro Review]

“What is this? Enter the Midget?”

The Scoop: 2006 R, directed by Joe Nussbaum and starring John White, Jessy Schram and Steve Talley

Tagline: No tagline.

Summary Capsule: Teens go to college for sex and nudist frolicking.

Justin’s Rating: What, you’re still around?

Justin’s Review: You know how there are rules about sequels? Well, there’s a definite rule about the fifth movie in any film franchise: it will blow like a surfacing Humpback whale. To find proof, you need to look no further than Star Trek 5, Attack of the Clones, Rocky V, Friday the 13th part 5, etc. Yes, there are exceptions, but by any series’ fourth sequel we can logically assume that the well is beyond dry, the horse beaten into a fine smear, and James Belushi is somehow involved.

American Pie Presents The Naked Mile (the acronym is pronounced like you’re spitting sunflower seeds) revisits the land of the teenage horny for another swipe at your wallet. We’ve long since disconnected from the story of Jim, Oz, Kevin, Finch and Steve Stifler, who by 2006 are probably planning their mid-life crises. I know I am. When I turn 40 in 2016, mark my words, there will be blood shed, chickens plucked, and at least one revolutionary coup in a South American country. However, the AmPie universe ticks on, and, well, boys will be boys.

We are introduced to our third Stifler, Erik (John White), who has besmirched the Stifler name by being a fairly nice guy… and a virgin. Ahh! Yes! The horror of no STDs nor unwanted pregnancies! Erik is more or less a photocopy of Jim from parts 1-3, as are his bosom buddies of Jim’s friends (aka “Thing One” and “Thing Two”). As a high school senior, Erik has a good relationship going with Tracey (cutie pie Jessy Schram). Good, except that Tracy isn’t ready to “do it” (that means “coitus” to our biology majors out there) and Erik is going “bananas”. I’m sorry, I really need to cool it with the “quotes”. As a way to keep Erik sane without losing her virginity, Tracy gives Erik a free pass to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants while visiting his cousin Dwight Stifler (Steve Talley) at college. By now, you can probably predict the rest of the course of the movie if you’ve seen even one other movie in your lifetime.

Here’s where I get hung up, because AmPie 5 perpetuates the idiotic myth that in a relationship, all guys must have sex (otherwise they’re a loser) and all girls must have sex (to keep their guy around). Even though the thrilling saga of Erik and Tracy does break through the sex barrier to approach the topic of love, it never tries to dissuade us that sex needs to happen or else they’ll fall apart. In a movie full of flung fluids, naked boobies and frank discussions of midgets, this was the most offensive thing to me.

Aside from that, AmPie 5 is a somewhat funny and breezy romp through the college party scene. It easily contains more nudity than the first four films combined (no joke), but about a fourth of the plot. I didn’t feel utterly bored or anything, but the college locale was incredibly underused, with only a subplot about a feud with a rival fraternity mostly made up of little people. I’m sitting here, looking at my notes (which pretty much says “Lots of breasts” and “Jim’s Dad has a cameo”) and wondering if I missed any other important piece of information that might be crucial for you in your key decision to rent this or a National Lampoon title.

I think we all know who the winner would be: your date, who would slap this DVD to the floor and force you to watch Ghost until you’re ready to mold pottery and move pennies through the air and whatever other mixed-up crap the spirit dating world has in store for you.

“Well, grandma’s dead. What’s for dinner?”

Intermission!

  • Nice Blues Bros. reference
  • A… midget fraternity?
  • Don’t pee out of the window while you’re in a moving car
  • Of course Trojan gets product placement
  • Slow… motion…
  • Tracy lets herself get bullied around a lot
  • The Naked Mile of the title refers to a real event that was carried out annually by students of the University of Michigan until 2004.
  • The scene in the car with the giant chicken is the first time drugs have been used on screen in the history of the series.
  • A Manchester University graduate named David Reid was killed by copying a binge drinking game promoted in the film.

Groovy Quotes

Dwight Stifler: What is this? Enter the Midget?

Ryan: Gentlemen, it’s Friday afternoon we’ve got a full tank of gas, a quarter ounce of weed, 3 cases of beer, a 10 pound tank of nitrous, we’re under age…
Cooze: And I’m too drunk to drive!
Ryan: Hit it!

If you liked this move, try these:

  • American Pie 2
  • American Wedding
  • Amercian Pie Presents Band Camp

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