Scream [Retro Viewing]

00:00:11

    The title flashes on the screen, screams ring out, knives slash. Very ominous. You’d think I was watching a horror movie or something.

00:00:20

    The phone rings. Cute Casey Becker, Drew Barrymore wearing a VERY realistic looking wig, picks it up and we get to hear the sexy phone voice for the first time. He sounds hot.

00:00:41

    The phone rings again. Hmmmmm….weird.

00:01:05

    We see an ominous shot of the swing outside creakily swaying in the breeze. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

00:01:34

    Ooooh, Jiffy Pop. Yummy. I wish I had some Jiffy Pop.

00:01:50

“What’s your favorite scary movie?” “Doom Generation, hands down.”

00:02:00

    Is that a knife in your hand Casey, or are you just happy to see me?

00:02:19

    The first of many self references in this movie. “Yeah, the first one [Nightmare on Elm St] was [scary], but the rest sucked.” Wes Craven only directed the first one (and his new nightmare).

00:02:33

    “Cause I wanna know who I’m looking at.” Okay. This line is on my Top 5 Creepiest moments in cinema. I’m not talking gross out or make you jump out of your chair, I’m talking creepy. I about had a stroke when I heard the phone voice say that. Just the thought that someone would be watching me while he talked to me on the phone and ask my name because he wanted to know who he was looking at makes me want to throw up.

00:02:48

    Scary pool outback, nice fog effects. Very creepy.

00:02:58

    The phone voice just got a lot scarier.

00:03:33

    If I hang up on you, you’ll gut me like a fish? Yuck. Have you ever actually cleaned fish? I have. It’s gross.

00:04:18

    You want to see what my insides look like? Ewwwwww.

00:04:23

    Ding dong. I’m sure it’s the pizza boy.

00:04:38

    Self reference #2: “Never say ‘who’s there?’. Don’t you watch scary movies, it’s a death wish.”

00:05:51

    Hmmmmm, Casey has herself a pretty cute little boy toy. This guy makes Tom Green look like an unwashed homeless man. Wait, Tom Green always looks like that. Nevermind.

00:06:06

    “I wanna play a little game.” “What kind of a game?” Parcessi. What the hell kind of game do you think?

00:07:19

    Ugh. The answer is Jason’s mom, you stupid bizatch. I knew that the first time I saw this my sophomore year of high school.

00:08:41

    She grabs a letter opener? What the hell good is that? And why haven’t you called the police yet? I would’ve called the police as soon as I heard, “Cause I wanna know who I’m looking at.” Right after I regained consciousness, of course.

00:09:00

    Looks like the popcorn’s done. Maybe scary guy wants some.

00:09:12

    OH!!! There goes the killer. Get ‘im!

00:09:44

    Don’t just stand there, dummy. Start running! Take off into a corn field or something. You are such a moron!

00:10:19

    Boo!

00:10:24

    Way to knock him down with the phone. This girl is not going down without a fight.

00:10:28

    Ewwwww, he just left poor Steve the Boyfriend sitting on the porch with his guts all over everything. Does blood come out of a letterman jacket?

00:10:35

    Flying tackle, ouch! I heard some bones crunch on that one, John.

00:10:52

    The first stab wound is always the worst. After awhile, you don’t even feel it anymore.

00:11:51

    Fire in the hatch! Quick mom, don’t look around for your daughter or anything, make sure the popcorn’s not on fire!

00:12:07

    Oh gross. Someone’s getting filleted on the other end of the phone. That’s it, tomorrow we switch long distance companies.

00:12:59

    End opening scene. Pretty scary s**t. Gave me nightmares after I saw it the first time.

00:13:02

    Awwww, fresh-faced Neve Campbell as the heroine Sidney. In her jammies, no less. How cute. Excuse me while I pause the movie and stick my finger down my throat.

00:13:15

    Uh oh, a scary noise. Let’s be smart and walk over to the open window to investigate.

00:13:24

    Phew. It’s just Johnny Depp. I mean, it’s just her boyfriend Billy.

00:13:38

    Wow, that’s a neat trick, using her closet door to block the door to her room. I wonder if I could rig that up in my room……

00:13:54

    Dad’s going outta town huh? Sweet! Wild drunken orgies, party party party. Oh wait, this is Neve Campbell. Never mind. Wild Things isn’t for another year or so.

00:14:16

    Does Billy use that cute voice when you’re getting it on?

00:14:30

You were watching The Exorcist and thought of your girlfriend? Wow, nothin’ says lovin’ like a pea-soup-vomiting-devil-possessed 12 yr old.

00:15:02

    He thinks your relationship is edited for TV, so he sneaks in your window? I think Billy’s lookin for a pizza……a pizza ass.

00:15:13

    She has an underwear rule? Like, wear it everyday?

00:15:40

    I like the background music, it’s a cool version of Don’t Fear The Reaper.

00:15:58

    Ah ah ah Romeo, not so fast. Don’t gimme no lines and keep your hands to yourself.

00:16:35

    You’re not trying to rush her? Right, so when you sneak into her room in the middle of the night and try to get a piece, the “not rushing” her part comes where?

00:16:59

    She flashed him!!!! Slut.

00:17:16

    Ah, good ole high school. Why is it that in the movies all high schools look like these totally awesome castles or something? My high school isn’t nearly that nice.

00:17:55

    Hey, it’s Monica! In a chartreuse suit!

00:18:05

    Hey, it’s Marilyn Manson’s girlfriend! You know, she is SO much cuter as a blonde.

00:18:13

    Self reference #3: “And we’re not just talking killed, we’re talking splatter-movie killed.”

00:19:04

    Fonzie!!!! “Heeeyyy.”

00:19:19

    AHHHHH!!!!! It’s the annoying guy from the 1-800-Collect commercials, run for your life!

00:19:59

    This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Matthew Lilliard and Jamie Kennedy are SO funny, they were perfectly cast as Stu and Randy. I love Randy’s shoes, they rock.

00:20:09

    Female serial killers kick ass, go Basic Instinct! And Noxema girl from Urban Legends. Hmmm, on a side note, I think in a Celebrity Death Match between Sharon Stone and Noxema girl, Sharon Stone would beat Noxema girl to a bloody pulp without even breaking a sweat.

00:21:02

    Hey Tatum, don’t knock working at video stores. Blockbuster is a very cool place to work. You get free movies, what else could anyone want?

00:21:21

    Jamie Kennedy does a pretty good Jerry Lewis impression.

00:21:31

    “Liver alone.” how clever.

00:21:50

    Sidney lives in this huge sprawling house in the middle of the beautiful countryside, she’s an only child, and she rides the school bus? Right.

00:23:46

    Ah, we finally get the dirt on Sid’s mom. That explains why Sidney constantly looks like she’s on the verge of tears.

00:24:54

    Very cool sunset shot.

00:25:04

    The phone rings, oh no! We know what this means! Phew, it’s just Tatum.

00:25:22

    So can you really see Tom Cruise’s penis in All The Right Moves? I’ll have to check that out. Purely a fact finding mission, of course.

00:25:39

    Ohhhh, it’s sexy phone voice again. This can’t be good.

00:26:11

    Hey, even Sidney thinks this guy’s voice is sexy. See, I’m not weird.

00:26:20

    Self reference #4: “What’s the point, they’re all the same. Some stupid killer’s stalking some big-breasted girl who can’t act, who’s always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door, it’s insulting!” (I agree)

00:26:35

    “I’m not Randy!” doesn’t pack quite the same punch as “Cause I wanna know who I’m looking at.”

00:26:56

    He’s on the front porch, scary. At this point, I’d be running for the closet or something.

00:27:14

    But good ole Sidney decides to call his bluff and check it out. Ballsy move.

00:28:07

    Pick your nose to see if he’s really watching you, very clever. Sidney’s no ordinary horror movie heroine.

00:28:22

    “Hang up on me and you’ll die, just like your mother.” Wow, low blow Mr. Killer Guy. That’s just cold.

00:28:37

    There he is, coming out of the closet.

00:29:02

    Way to fight back! A good kick in the nuts will get ’em everytime.

00:29:19

    And here we have the closet trick employed to keep the killer out of her room, very clever. Way to bring back something we’re already familiar with.

00:29:50

    So Billy just happens to be at your window again? Hmmmmm….

00:30:04

    And he has a cell phone? That’s it, he did it! Lock him up.

00:30:33

    Sidney running downstairs and opening the front door only to scream when she sees Dewey holding the mask and then Dewey screams because Sidney screamed. One of my favorite funny moments of the movie. And it is a nice breather to the scary scene that proceeded it.

00:31:35

    I love the way Tatum abuses her older brother. “Yes doofus.” hee hee

00:32:00

    “Jesus, the camera, hurry!” “My name isn’t Jesus.” Again, another underappreciated moment of comedy in this movie. I didn’t catch this til, like, the third time I saw the movie, but it makes me laugh really hard now.

00:32:22

    Wow, Gale such is a first class bizatch. Kenny’s not fat, he’s festively plump.

00:32:58

    Oooh, Dunkin’ Donuts, yummy.

00:33:54

    Is it just me, or does Billy’s dad look like one of the goblins from Labyrinth? If the goblin had a name, I’d go find out because I’m thinking of a very specific one here. Go watch it and tell me.

00:34:31

    “Bitch goddess.” If you listen closely, you hear another great response to Gale from her cameraman Kenny.

00:35:41

    More abuse for Dewey a la Tatum. “The janitor’s your superior.” hee hee

00:36:40

    Bam, bitch goes down!!!! Sidney 1 Gale 0

00:36:57

    Yea, Sid: Super Bitch!

00:37:16

    And here we have a great shot of Neve Campbell’s perfect lips. I wish I had lips like that. Not too skinny but not so pouty they look weird. Perfect size, perfect shape. I’m so jealous.

00:37:28

Hey, it’s the mom from Gremlins and Back to the Future!

00:37:47

    Sexy voice man again, I wonder if I could get a voice changer like that for some of my friends. It would certainly make “Hey Andie, what’s goin’ on?” more erotic.

00:38:22

    Okay, pay very close attention to the way Dewey says, “Hello?” when he picks up the phone. He sounds like a phone sex operator.

00:38:32

    Cool music in the background.

00:38:42

    The Cotton Weary story on TV. We finally get all the background info on Sidney’s mom.

00:39:20

    Tatum’s outfit is so cute in this scene. Cute red pants, cute silver football jersey, cute pigtails. How the HELL did she ever end up with Marilyn Manson?!?!?!

00:41:36

    “Nice welt sweetie.” Yet another cool line from resident bitchy girl, Tatum. What a fun part to get to play.

00:42:49

    Matthew Lilliard and Rose McGowan have good chemistry together. I love their little exchange here. “Are you kidding me, it’s like Christmas!” “Stupidity leak” [as she whacks him with a blow pop]

00:43:39

    “A girlfriend who’d rather accuse me of murder than touch me.” What an insensitive prick. Dump his ass right now, Sid!

00:44:04

    And if that didn’t make you dump him, this line should. “Your mom died a year ago, I think it’s time you got over that.” Wow. If I was Sid, I’d give him something to get over.

00:44:42

    This is a great little speech by The Fonz. “desensitized little s**ts.” That about sums up my generation.

00:45:33

    Another underappreciated comedic moment. This cheerleader chick in the bathroom talking about Sidney is hilarious. Especially because I actually know some girls like this. [shudder]

00:46:58

    What was that? Oh, just the fan.

00:47:23

    Okay, that whisper definitely said, “Sidney” that time. Get the hell out of there woman!

00:47:54

    One boot, two boot, long black cape. Could be a goth chick going to the bathroom, but I’m guessing it’s not.

00:48:35

    Ugh. Gale and Dewey sitting in a tree……this flirtatious banter has GOT to stop.

00:50:16

    You were 24 for a whole year? Gee, thanks Captain Obvious.

00:50:40

    Tatum’s so lucky. Matt Lilliard can pick me up and hoist me over his shoulder anytime he wants to.

00:51:04

    Wow, from this angle, Tatum’s outfit makes her hips look huge.

00:51:16

    Fonzie’s lost it. He’s scaring himself in the mirror

00:52:09

    Self reference #5: Wes Craven wearing a Freddy Kruger sweater as a janitor named “Fred.”

00:53:01

    Behind you Fonzie, watch out!!!!! Too late.

00:53:16

    The eyeball reflection is pretty cool, I like that shot.

00:53:20

    I love how right after the principal bites it, we hear “School’s out for the summer.” Good song.

00:54:08

    Richard Gere gerbil story? I have NEVER heard that. Yuck.

00:54:26

    Self reference #6: “some Wes Carpenter flick or something.” Wes Craven, John Carpenter, get it? Ha

00:54:46

    Yay for Blockbuster. This is my other favorite scene in the movie. Anytime Randy and Stu interact, it’s good stuff.

00:55:42

    Self reference #7: “It’s Prom Night revisited man!”

00:55:50

    One of my favorite lines, “There’s always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend.” Definitely. So you can date me.

00:56:10

    And the best exchange of dialogue in the whole thing. Randy asks, “Do you think Sid would go out with me?” Stu laughs so hard, then goes totally deadpan, “No. I don’t. At all.” Classic. Love it.

00:56:42

    Randy goes postal. “Everybody’s a suspect!” Stu’s reaction, again, wonderful.

00:56:58

    Uh oh, it’s Billy! Creepy as ever.

00:57:11

    Self reference #8: “If this were a scary movie, I would be the prime suspect.”

00:57:38

    Great music again, Red Right Hand. I’m pretty sure this song makes it into all the Scream movies.

00:58:33

    I like how they talk about who’s going to play Sidney, but a young Meg Ryan? Dream on. I also thought it was pretty funny that they convinced Tori Spelling to play Sidney in Stab in Scream 2 even though this is such a slam on her.

00:59:17

    “Billy and his penis don’t deserve you.” Right on Tatum! Men are scum!

00:59:44

    Uh oh, all the calls have come from Sidney’s dad’s phone. Uh oh, the sheriff has boots just like the guy from the bathroom. Uh oh, do you think we’re even close to knowing who the killer is? Nope.

01:01:12

    So, do you think they bought all the alcohol for the party themselves, since they’re all, like, 27.

01:03:07

    Scream Queen. Poor Jamie Lee Curtis. Between Terror Train, The Fog, Prom Night, AND being Janet Leigh’s daughter……

01:03:12

    Tatum says Jamie Lee Curtis is in all those movies cause of her tits. “Hello kettle? This is Tatum. You’re black.”

01:04:25

    Whoa Tatum! Turn off your high beams sweetie.

01:04:45

    What a cool skirt. My legs would look great in that. Too bad it’s gonna get all messed up since you die next.

01:05:04

    Obligatory cat scare.

01:06:11

    Possibly the stupidest line of the entire movie, “Cut Casper, that’s a wrap.” [if I could roll my eyes any harder, they’d disappear back into my head]

01:06:38

    Way to fight back Tatum. Slam that guy with the fridge, yeah!

01:06:47

    Party foul! You’re wasting all the beer.

01:06:57

    The cat door? You’re trying to escape through the cat door? Stupid bitch.

01:07:24

    Ouch, that’s gonna leave a mark. Not to mention getting a new garage door.

01:07:52

    Okay, this little look Billy gives Stu when he pops into the door frame out of nowhere says, “Okay, I just killed YOUR girlfriend. Now it’s your turn to kill mine.”

01:08:33

    Yet another great exchange between Stu and Randy. “As if. That’s all I’m sayin, as if.” “Oh really, Alicia?”

01:08:52

    We have now established that Gale’s little spycam has a 30 second delay on what it’s filming. Could that be important later…..hmmmmm.

01:09:35

    And now comes the incredibly yucky, boring part of the movie. Nobody wants to see Sid and Billy make up. And they talk in such cheezy metaphors. Gag me. I think I’ll go get a pop, be right back.

01:10:42

    Self reference #9: Life’s just one big movie.

01:12:57

    Self reference #10: The rules!!!! Great part of the movie, especially as we see Sid and Billy getting it on in violation to rule #1.

01:13:22

    Matt Lilliard has the longest tongue ever! Cool.

01:14:00

    I love what the cameraman is doing to keep himself occupied. Playing with cheetos is always fun.

01:14:36

    So Dewey wants to go check out an abandoned car down the road and Gale says she’ll go? And he wants to walk and that’s okay with her? Didn’t this activate any red flags in Gale’s thought process here? There is a killer on the loose, you moron!

01:15:20

    Billy looks like he’s kneading dough or something. Don’t guys know that mauling our breasts like they’re play-doh is not the biggest turn-on?

01:15:37

    Self reference #11: The obligatory boob shot. I love how the one in the movie coincides with Sidney taking off her shirt, that’s pretty funny.

01:17:21

    You think the name Dewey is sexy? Have you been gargling with bong water? He is such a dork!

01:17:49

    Look closely and you’ll notice the disappearing car trick. In one shot, there are two cars looming down on Gale and Dewey and in the next shot, only one car goes by. Where’d the other one go? It’s a mystery.

01:18:05

    Dewey finally gets some play. Good for him, maybe that’s just what he needs to not be such a drip.

01:19:08

    And here we are in the romantic ambiance of post-coital putting our clothes on. I find it very clever that Sidney asks Billy who he called when he was in jail, but why would you sleep with a guy if you still thought he might be a psychotic killer? Whatever floats your boat, dude.

01:20:14

    Billy has the creepiest looks. I don’t know if I’d go out with him even if he wasn’t a psycho killer. He’s scary enough as it is.

01:20:29

    Yeah, die Billy die! hahahahaha

01:20:45

    The killer wipes the blade of the knife off. That gives me a little shudder every time. And now the big final chase scene commences.

01:20:58

    Damn, this is one humongous house. Must be nice.

01:21:52

    Sidney falls from an attic window and lands flat on her back on a boat and she just rolls off and keeps going. Right. She’s tough, but she’s not that tough.

01:22:05

    I also think it’s really creepy how the killer will just be gone. Sidney will turn to look for him and he’ll have disappeared. And there’s really creepy music that always accompanies those parts.

01:22:13

    AHHH! Tatum’s dead. And she looks so real, clutched in the jaws of the garage door like that.

01:22:22

    Okay, this is one of my favorite parts of the whole movie. I think it is so clever that Jamie Kennedy is laying on the couch telling “Jamie” in Halloween to look out behind her because the killer’s right there, all the while the killer is slowly sneaking up on him. And he’s using his own name and it’s just cool and tense.

01:23:23

    I also like how Sidney and Kenny are sitting in the van doing the exact same thing to the videotape of Randy as the killer creeps up on him. Very trippy.

01:23:35

    You killed Kenny, you bastards!

01:24:36

    Dewey’s got a gun, everybody duck and cover!

01:25:59

    This also cracks me up. Gale’s trying to drive away and call 911 at the same time and Randy just pops up in her window and says,”Hey, what’s going on?” and she proceeds to beat him senseless with her phone. Hee hee

01:26:13

    Blood all over the windshield, very cool. I love Gale’s face when she starts to smear it all around.

01:26::21

    Okay, this pisses me off. If you are backing your van up and you slam on the breaks, whatever is on top (Christmas tree, luggage, dead body) will not come flying forward onto the windshield. It will continue in the direction it was previous going and it will fly off the back. Argh. You don’t just go around messing with the laws of physics.

01:27:11

    It’s Dewey! Hooray!

01:27:14

    He’s dead! Dammit!

01:27:25

    The killer wipes the blade again, creepiness.

01:27:52

    This is another great funny/chills moment. When Sidney is in the police cruiser and searching for the keys, the killer taps on the glass with his knife (funny) and shows her the keys (creepy).

01:28:03

    Then the killer just disappears and the doors start unlocking and she’s calling 911 and ohmigod where is the killer and AHHHHH he’s right behind you, get outta there! Phew, that made me tired.

01:28:41

    And yet again, Sidney looks back at the cruiser and the killer has mysteriously disappeared. Creepy.

01:28:50

    It’s Randy!

01:28:58

    It’s Stu!

01:29:13

    Oh my gosh, one of them must be the killer! What are you going to do Sidney?

01:29:18

    “F**k you both.” [slams door] Hee hee, way to go Sidney. Save yourself girl.

01:29:38

    Billy’s not really dead? Damn. I thought we had found a foolproof way to get Sidney a less scary boyfriend.

01:30:18

    “We all go a little mad sometimes.” Great movie line. Norman Bates is the original serial killer. I love Psycho, that movie kicks ass. I think that Anthony Perkins is really attractive.

01:30:25

    Don’t shoot Randy! I like Randy, he’s funny. You big meanhead.

01:30:39

    Ewwwwww, Billy’s licking the blood off his finger. Gross. Oh, it’s just corn syrup. Well, still.

01:30:55

    Surprise Sidney! Stu was in on it too. You just had sex with a psycho killer. Sucks to be you.

01:31:49

    And they framed Cotton Weary? Holy cow! You just had sex with the guy who killed your mom? Sucks even more to be you.

01:31:50

    “Watch a few movies, take a few notes. It was fun.” If that doesn’t sum up the recent plague of school shootings, I don’t know what does.

01:33:02

    Look at Stu’s face. You can tell he had no idea they were doing this because Sidney’s mom had an affair with Billy’s dad. He was just going along for the ride and was completely in the dark about motive.

01:33:35

    “It’s a scream baby!” says Stu, as spittle flies from his lips. They have your father! Those lowlife sons of bitches.

01:34:45

    Now they stab themselves? These guys thought of everything! Good for them, you never wanna go on a mass murder spree without planning ahead.

01:35:49

    One of my favorite lines, “Movies don’t create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative.” Nice.

01:36:42

    Gale Weathers to the rescue, hooray!!!! Sidney 1 Gale 1

01:37:00

    Gale Weathers, down for the count. Dammit. Stupid safety.

01:37:33

    The neck cracking just adds to Billy’s creepiness factor. My ex-boyfriend used to do that, it’s gross.

01:37:52

    “Oops, Stu messed up again. He let Sid escape……” Now we have a problem.

01:38:50

    Sidney called them, how clever. And I love Stu’s motive. “Peer pressure, I’m far too sensitive.”

01:38:55

    “You’re gonna have to find me first, you pansy ass mama’s boy!” What a great insult to use on someone. I’m gonna have to remember that.

01:39:15

    Another classic Stu line. “My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me.” Yeah, those killing sprees can really be a downer for your allowance.

1:39:29

    Creepy, creepy, creepy. That’s all I have to say about Billy.

01:39:50

    Ouch! You stabbed him with an umbrella? That’s gonna leave a mark.

01:40:00

    Why did she put on the costume? What possible purpose does it serve? Does it help you fight more effectively? Does it serve some sort of orthopedic function? When the hell did you have time to slip into that? And was it just magically hanging in the closet with the rest of the coats? Good god.

01:40:40

    This is your brain. This is your brain after too much TV.

01:41:02

    Yay!!! Randy’s not dead!!!! And he’s happy to be a virgin, that’s so cute. If he needs any help with that problem later, I think I’m available.

01:41:10

    Billy’s not dead either!!! Ahhhh!!! Ewwww, Sidney sticks her finger in his umbrella injury, gross.

01:41:26

    Way to go Gale! Gale to the rescue (again)! Sidney 1 Gale 2 Why didn’t Randy offer a little assistance, huh? He only got punched, it’s not like he got shot again. Sidney is so much tougher than Randy.

01:41:33

    As Billy crawls across the floor to finally die, he looks just like a guy I went to high school with, Mike Mosley. Mike was totally hot and not creepy at all.

01:42:24

    Boo! One last scare.

01:42:33

    I love how they all scream when dad falls out of the closet. Classic!

01:42:51

    And Dewey’s still alive, hooray! And he’s asking for Gale, barf. Excuse me while I go lose my lunch again.

01:43:46

    One last shot of Ghostface, roll credits.

The End

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