Saturday’s Six: Cinematic Angels You Don’t Want To Mess With [Retro Feature]

1. Gabriel (Prophecy)

A good angel-turned-rogue is a scary enough proposition, especially if it’s one of the big hitters from the Bible. But when you have Christopher Walken behind the role, suddenly your pants are soaking in urine and you can’t run fast enough in the opposite direction. And you just know he’s going to play chicken with jumbo jets, causing pilots to juke out of fear of confronting his winged mightiness.

2. Angel (X-Men: The Last Stand)

X-Men fans were psyched beyond belief that Angel — one of the first X-Men from the comics — would finally be making an appearance in the third film. It wasn’t until they got to the theaters that they learned that Angel was going to spend most of his screen time in a chair, or playing taxi service for his father. Still, for the brief moment when he got upset and unleashed his powerful wings of vengeance, you could see that this wasn’t a turkey to be trifled with.

3. Al (Angels in the Outfield)

What’s that you say? Al and his cadre of baseball-playing seraphim are about as imposing as a baby hedgehog sent to fight a grizzly bear? Well, consider it from the side of the opposing teams. They used to have a chance, playing league ball and all, and suddenly they’re forced to contend with nothing less than the FULL POWER OF HEAVEN in their faces. How can kids compete with that? Will their parents believe them, as they go home all dejected, that they failed because angels have a thing for ruining the lives of prepubescent athletes?

4. Bartleby and Loki (Dogma)

Here we have two fallen angels who were banned to the midwest for their sins, and decide to attempt to reenter heaven through a loophole in Catholic dogma. Problem is, it’ll end all existence. That doesn’t stop Damon and Affleck from trying, perhaps out of penance for their own movies, and seeing as how these two are capable of mass murder in the name of righteousness… well, it gets a bit messy.

5. Gabriel (Constantine)

I don’t know why Gabriel is always ticked off in movies, but he/she/it needs to find a new agent. Constantine’s Gabriel is no less thrilled with humanity, blowing away people with her breath and conspiring to end God’s plan of redemption on earth. How’d that work out in the long run? Here’s a hint: never bet against the all-time champ.

6. Seth (City of Angels)

What? Another emasculated, non-threatening angel on this list? Why yes, it is. But sometimes the one you suspect the least is capable of the worst attack. In Seth’s case, it’s planting the seed in women’s minds that there are all these extremely handsome angels out there — perfect in every way — just waiting to fall in love with them. Especially if they’re Meg Ryan. Guys, good luck trying to compete with an immortal, perfected angelic being. You’ve already lost the battle you didn’t even know you were fighting.

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