Jack Frost [Retro Review]

“Don’t eat yellow snow!”

The Scoop: 1997 R, directed by Michael Cooney and starring Scott MacDonald, Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel and Shannon Elizabeth

Tagline: He’s chillin’…and killin’!

Summary Capsule: Serial killer turned snowman rampages small town. He’s got a killer resume.

Justin’s Rating: He’s Chillin’… and Killin’… and Spillin’… and Millin’…

Justin’s Review: With the planet in turmoil and lacking the general can-do party spirit that departed the same time the New Kids On The Block broke up, the world cried out for a leader to shepherd the masses into the promised land. Oh, and also a film about a killer snowman. Lo and behold, that cry was answered!

Don’t get Jack Frost confused with the sappy father-son flop starring Michael Keaton. You can’t miss this title on the rental shelves, as it has one of those “morphing” pictures that changes when you move from side to side, going from an innocent snowman to a killer snowman that looks nothing like what’s in the movie. Still, how can you resist the haunting call of a horror movie about a death-dealing ball of snow? Surrender your free will, and we will give you a movie to remember for the ages!

When families passed Christmas Eve to the likes of Jimmy Stewart and Charles Dickens, this Yuletide tale of mayhem played in the Manson Family’s VCR. A serial killer, on his way to execution, gets involved in a car crash with a truck carrying special chemicals. Ho-ho-ho, he becomes a giant snowman bent on getting revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. Jack Frost has the ability to use water and his snowman powers to kill the local inhabitants in various interesting ways.

When you invest in this fine piece of celluloid craftmanship, you receive a fine return for your investment. A snowman with arms and fangs! Shannon Elizabeth having weird sex with said snowman! A kid who concocts lethal oatmeal! A town so full of morons that the streets are lined with rubber to save costs! Bad puns and snowman decorations everywhere! Hair dryers as weapons! Sure, you might go for a “safe bet” in your next rental, or you can walk on the mildly wild side of passion and angry snow. I think you know the right thing to do.

The filmmakers knew they were going to make a bad film, and they actually did it the right way. While most of the acting is predictably bad, the quality of the work is pretty good. Eerie Chrismas music plays in the background to most of the murders, which are all amusing in a black comedy fashion. To see Mr. Fatty Snowman drive a car, take form in a bathtub, and terrorize the fleeing masses gave me the holiday cheer. Or sent me to the floor shrieking in laughter.

The next time your family lets you choose the traditional Christmas movie, take our advice. Pop this in and get banned from every family gathering for the next ten years. You’ll thank us.

Safety Snowman sez "Stop and be killed!"

Intermission!

  • The strange opening credits story
  • Are the drivers of the truck cuddled together for a reason?
  • State Executional Transfer Vehicle
  • No snow pretty much anywhere in this town!
  • Antifreeze? What was this kid thinking?
  • Snowman decorations everywhere (I counted 90 total)
  • Stay tuned for the end credits, which not only feature more great Christmas tunes, but also a lot of quotes and in-jokes.

Groovy Quotes

    Frost: Gosh. I only axed you for a smoke.
    Tommy: What the heck are you?
    Frost: The world’s most pissed-off snowcone!

Sally: She’s only talking back to you because she’s upset.
Jake: Sally, when I want philosophy, I’ll turn on “Oprah.”

Frost: [in pieces] Look, Ma, I’m a Picasso!

[After seeing a corpse dressed up like a Christmas tree.]
Deputy Chris: Do you think we should wait until after the holidays to take her down?

Jack Frost: Don’t eat yellow snow!

If you liked this movie, try these:

Advertisements

1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Al and Heather Judge the Films of 2012 and Reveal Their Total Lack of Standards « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s