Heather does Dangerous Curves

“There are no cows in San Diego!”

The Scoop: 1988 directed by Paul Lewis and starring Tate Donovan, Grant Heslov, Danielle von Zerneck, Valerie Breiman and sortakinda Leslie Nielsen

Tagline: What do fast cars and beautiful women have in common?

Summary Capsule: A boring eighties shame-fest unlike boring eighties shame-fests before!

Heather’s Rating: Well, you can add my watching this movie to the list of unfortunate results of Leslie Nielsen’s death.

Heather’s Review: On a recent Sunday night I received a Facebook message from the Big Banana himself. The first two words I saw were Leslie’s name, and I got sick at my stomach because I knew then what must have happened to cause Justin to write all of us.

Eighty-four years old was too young, Leslie.

So at the behest of the BB I scoured the internet for some L.N.-related material that hadn’t already been reviewed a billion times on our site. That proved difficult, as the man is something of a cult legend and this site was up for a decade before I came on staff.

That prompted me to look a bit deeper for some offerings I had never heard of in Mr. Nielsen’s repertoire. It’s at this point I should mention that Netflix can be both a blessing and a curse. There were a lot of his movies available through the company, but I needed something available streaming, and something that didn’t suck. I managed the first one, anyway.

I picked Dangerous Curves because of its having been made in the 80’s (an era that produced some of his most memorable roles) and because I saw the German poster for it. Seriously, have you seen that thing (or course you did, because I provided it for you!)? It’s Leslie Nielsen on a sports car waving a gun and a Molotov. Yes, please!

Well, only if you’re seeing the picture at a small enough resolution and your brain is making it the poster that you want it to be. Turns out he’s holding a set of keys and a….a pageant sash? I don’t know. I could barely make it out even though my post-movie pain and disappointment had me scouring the poster to see how I could have made such a mistake.

I can’t say that I didn’t have at least some idea of what I was getting into. I knew that this probably wasn’t a good movie when I saw that Nielsen was the ninth cast member credited in a list full of people I had never heard of.  Still I pressed on because of the aforementioned obstacles and decided to get at least something done for our Leslie Nielsen Week.

Which was over two weeks ago. You see, this movie is just so full of nothing worth talking about that I have labored every single day to get out a review, but usually just end up staring at the screen in frustration. I even went so far as to play the horribly boring and forgettable movie a couple of more times while I was writing to see  if it would inspire a joke, trivia, rant….anything. The sad truth is that this movie was really a waste a time and money for everyone involved. It’s not good, it’s not bad, and it’s not so bad it’s good. It’s just lame.

The plot is the eleventy-billionth instance of an uptight college guy, his over-sexed, irresponsible roommate and the wacky (stupid) hi jinx that he gets them into. Uptight Guy gets a chance to deliver a Porsche to Lake Tahoe as a birthday present for the daughter of a big wig in hopes of earning enough respect and trust to get a cushy job with him. Overly Sexed Goober invites himself along, and soon afterward the two are heading for San Diego to watch a baseball game (and catch a sideshow of bathing suit beauties). The trip is terribly derailed when the two stop for some snacks at a local gas station and find that their sundries came at a dear cost: The Porsche has been stolen! Le gasp!

I have seen this movie four times now, easily, and the best I can tell you is that a bunch of barely attractive women strut around in completely unattractive swimsuits, two of whom manage to catch the attention of the even less attractive male leads. The foursome (BLARG!) end up outwitting Leslie Nielsen who, though he can afford a Ferrari, hired some guys to roam about San Diego county stealing other expensive vehicles that one usually only sees in a calender with half naked ladies strewn about the hood.

In conclusion this movie is a double crap sandwich drizzled in special sauce. It’s completely incapable of holding the attention of anyone over the age of 5. In fact, I dare to theorize that if you were to place a two year old in front of this movie, said toddler would immediately eschew television forever and instead decide that playing with an abacus is infinitely more enjoyable.

So if that’s your main motive, I say go for it. Otherwise, I sincerely plead for you to not waste your or any of your loved ones’ time with this one.

Jobs that promise the chance to rotoscope over images like this is what keeps the young men of America from aspring to greater things.

Intermission!

  • Hey, you know what? Absolutely no one cares about this piece of crap, therefore there is no trivia available.
  • If I have to set up a fishing net to shield me from your debris, there is no way that I will even ask you to care for my mold specimens, much less allow you to ride with me in the luxury car that I am delivering to secure my future.
  • This movie has what is easily one of the crappiest taglines in the history of cinema.
  • Unsolved Mysteries guy! He apparently has teeth the same color as his skin!
  • The lesser leading lady sounds like King of the Hill’s Nancy with a mouth full of Novicaine.
  • The license plate says Maria4U
  • Preservatives is apparently pronounced “pehsahrvatives”
  • Yay for fake Southern accents. “Great”=”Graheet!”
  • Would absolutely anybody say “At least they didn’t swipe the skis” upon discovering that the brand new Porshe they were just riding in was stolen?
  • As an announcer, is one supposed to drag the microphone off stage like that and pull the wire taut, treacherously, between the groups of contestants who then immediately have to step over the wire to get offstage?
  • What on earth is going on with the music at 38:22?

Groovy Quotes:

Blake: [about Michelle’s  hair] It kahnda looks lahk you’ve been wahrnin’ a kandam on ‘yer heead.

Mrs. Brooks: How do you expect to win a beauty contest with thunder thighs?

Hector: I got a one way ticket on the Highway of Hell and there ain’t no sense in draggin’ two young men with bright futures into the fiery pits with me.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

  • NPR
  • Anything. Anything, at all. Watch Battlefield Earth! At least it will make you feel something!
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3 Comments

  1. Pingback: Heather does Forbidden Planet « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

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