Hang on. An infomercial for 70s music explosion is on.
August 3rd. Western Mass. 94 Degrees. Nancy. Can’t. Sleep.
What better time to review Batman-The Movie? Sitting on my dog-haired floor… having a fan blowing on me full-blast… hearing creepy noises outside… drinking milk. What a fantastic setting to sit back (scratch that, I don’t have a chair, awkwardly lean) and a enjoy an old campy delight from 1966 starring Adam West and Burt Ward. You guys all know my passion for the Bat, so no need to elaborate there. Let’s just jump into the intensely detailed reviewing.
Menu – Ya know what’s a funny phrase? Bat Languages.
00:09 – Nine seconds in and I’m already noticing the old-timey Twentieth Century Fox. I’m such a youngin.
00:34 – This picture is dedicated to me on so many levels! I’n an enemy of crime, I’m a lover of adventure/the bizarre, I’ve very much a funlover, and I especially love kissies!
01:04 – There he is! Batman’s first expression in this movie is as follow : “What’s going on? Trouble? I’m Batman! Oh… oh, it’s just you. Seriously, kid, go home.” Watch it and see for yourself. Whatever. It’s Batman!
01:13 – Oh, hey Robin. Nice to see you too and all…
01:23 – I don’t think words can describe how much I want to be Catwoman.
01:27 – The Joker doesn’t frighten that easily!
01:30 – Is it weird that I’m bothered by the fact that Penguin and Joker have the same spotlight colors?
01:35 – I always think of The Riddler as Spider-Man gone awry. The same ‘nerd-affected-by-science’ idea.
02:47 – Great, the credits are over, I can stop writing something every. single. second.
03:15 – OH MY GOSH BATMAN AND ROBIN ARE BOTH WEARING CARDIGANS!
03:45 – It’s so strange that this movie took any element of mystery or danger out of the Batman legend… mostly by making his mansion not dark and brooding, but brick and nicely furnished with waving folks on the front lawn.
04:40 – Good thing they had the Bat-Helicopter ready.
05:04 – Now they are just throwing in babes in bikinis to make up for the cardigans. I’m not falling for it, guys.
05:55 – Hey, look, there’s the yacht already. Good thing the plot didn’t take an annoyingly long time to unfold.
06:55 – “Watch out, Batman! This could be tricky!” I can’t tell if Robin is talking about the villains Batman will battle at the end of the rope ladder or the rope ladder itself.
08:11 – I looked down at my keyboard, I heard Robin say “Holy Sardines, Batman!”, I look up, and then there is a shark on Batman’s leg.
08:21 – Oh, good, it’s just biting the ladder.
08:40 – Oh, good, Ocean Repellant Bat Spray is an actual thing and not just a joke I made up one day.
11:34 – Robin’s cape is so pretty.
12:07 – Gasp! Someone is luring Batman to a watery grave?
12:21 – My eyes are itchy.
13:11 – I can’t handle their deductive skills. “We were in the sea! Sea! C! C stands for Catwoman!”
14:17 – Would ya look at her boots?!?! She is like the hottest thing ever!
15:05 – “How was I supposed to know they had a can of Ocean Repellent Bat Spray handy?!?!!?” My sentiments exactly, Mr. Penguin.
15:33 – Why can’t evil geniuses just get along?
15:55 – Guys, the villains have cubbies.
17:10 – Why doesn’t the Commodore suspect anything when THE LITERAL AND QUITE BLATANT JOKER serves him tea in captivity?
18:14 – What if The Joker was tickling you? How horrible would THAT be?
19:21 – I like this. I’m rooting for the bad guys. This is a change of pace for me and my Batman experience.
20:04 – It’s so weird to watch this and to know that this isn’t a parody or an over-exaggerated SNL sketch – This is actual meant to be taken seriously. Also, Robin is wearing a ladies bathing suit.
21:20 – “Secret Island Hideaway”. Now Batman is just making things up.
22:05 – Everyone makes fun of Batman and Robin having a love affair, but judging from the sexy and slinky confrontation right there, I’d say Penguin and Riddler might have a thing going on.
23:43 – “What cruelty! Stuffing a poor shark with TNT!” YOU SPRAYED HIM IN THE EYE WITH THE SHARK EQUIVALENT TO PEPPER SPRAY!
25:46 – The Joker looooooves to say “YooHoo!”
26:38 – Notice how Catwoman is oddly missing during the torpedo scene. Clearly, girls can’t work torpedoes so she is off painting her nails somewhere.
27:38 – Again with the yoo hoo hoo!
28:17 – “It was noble of that animal to hurl himself in front of that torpedo… he gave his life… for ours.” I don’t even have to make fun of this movie, it does it for me.
29:15 – What a cool phone!
29:33 – There is a dog outside my house barking and I’m kind of creeped out by it.
30:14 – “A riddle! In the form of a joke!” Told by a cat who thinks he’s a penguin! Whoooo could be to blaaaame?
32:16 – “Their minimum objective must be… the entire world!”
33:14 – Riddler has such a beaaaautiful vest!
34:38 – “We’ll kidnap Bruce Wayne! Batman will be so sad!” Little do they know… wah… wah… wah…
36:20 – Catwoman just hinted at her secret identity to Bruce Wayne by purring and he totally didn’t get it.
38:02 – Finally, we are getting some Alfred Action. It’s about time.
38:50 – I vote it would be awkward to have dinner while violinists play and eavesdrop on your every word.
40:59 – Aw, Robin wants to give Batman some sexy privacy.
41:47 – “I’ve just thought of a clever ruse!” AKA Batman is with some chick and I got jealous so I had to do something fantastic to get his attention back, my name is Robin, I have insecurity problems.
43:01 – Aaaand Catwoman purred again.
43:55 – I’m officially a part of the United Underworld, as decided by Me, right now.
45:07 – Catwoman and Batman are kissing and Robin is getting visibly jealous! I was making a joke before but now it is serious.
45:47 – Oh, good, I was worried The Penquin might forget his flying umbrellas.
46:31 – Batman just recited Poe to Catwoman.
46:53 – Her little hair bow is so cute.
47:21 – Ha ha! They got him! Catwoman doesn’t love Batman at all! It all just a trap! And now they are fighting! Fighting, they are! They are having a crazy good time and yes, yes I believe so… yes, they are currently DOG PILING on Batman and giggling!
48:17 – Ha! If Robin hadn’t gotten so visibly jealous at Batman’s kissing and had to turn off the surviellence he wouldn’t have to say ‘Holy Demolition, where’d Batman go?!!?’ now, would he?
49:28 – The Riddler is incredibly bouncy.
49:51 – I can’t believe Bruce Wayne just ran headfirst into a wall.
50:27 – Oh, come on, Catwoman, you got him, why keep this facade up?
51:36 – Bruce, if you tell Catwoman who you are, I swear, I will freak out.
51:56 – Ahhhh, good job keeping your secret identity.
52:30 – “CAPITALISTS LIKE MYSELF OFTEN CARRY LARGE SUMS OF MONEY” is what Bruce Wayne JUST SAID!
53:36 – I wish that, in the fight scenes, The Joker would be displayed as he actual is, a worthy foe and not just some big doof like the rest of the big doofs. And also, despite the faked love affair, I vote there should be more sexual tension between Batman and Catwoman. Also, the dog is still barking and I’m genuinely frightened.
55:43 – There is a pretty fan on the wall. Why are the evil geniuses incredibly into decorating?
56:11 – Wahoo! Catwoman just winked! It was wicked cool.
56:46 – If they say Yoo Hoo one more time…
57:02 – They actually said it again while I was typing that.
57:43 – Imagine if every day you watered that little pile of dehydrated person dust and left it in the sun, giving it lots of love and care, and eventually it regenerated into a full-flown pirate again and it loved you like a mother?
1:00:26 – “Gosh, drink sure is a deadly thing. I’d rather be dead then be unable to trust my own eyes!” That’s right Robin, endorse Pepsi-Cola while you’re at it.
1:02:07 – I love scenes with a bomb AND a tuba. It’s like having peanut butter AND jelly. Not necessary, but preferred.
1:03:46 – “BATMAN! You’re dead!” “It’s okay, I’m just hiding behind these tube-shaped appendages” “Why did you risk your life for those dirty drunks?” “Well, I’m Batman, I don’t know why I do the things I do. Don’t drink, kids.” “I’M A KOOK WITH AN UMBRELLA LOOK OVER HERE BATMAN AND ROBIN!”. That’s very close to what happened, word-for-word, kind of.
1:05:25 – Robin uses his lips too much when he talks.
1:06:13 – “The drinking water dispenser is CLEARLY marked!” Seriously, Penguin, what’s wrong with you? It practically says “Mr. Drinking Water” right there, and you just walk right by it?!?! I’m gonna have to ask you to leave the Batcave now…
1:08:17 – And the Penguin regrew the piles of dust and now the pirates love him like a mother! (And are also in the Batcave and able to fight Batman).
1:09:23 – Whew! I thought Batman tripped for a second there and my entire world almost came crumbling down. But nope. Nope, he just jumped a short distance.
1:10:11 – I just hit me that I haven’t seen a ‘Pow’ or a ‘Zing’ yet and I’m really sad about that.
1:12:41 – Did you know I can type with my toes?
1:14:54 – Robin is TOO good at riddles.
1:15:26 – Applesauce = unification = world domination. That is how their logic works, and they are always right.
1:20:00 – I love the look on Joker’s face when he dehydrates people.
1:21:37 – Oh, man, Catwoman is so heartless, I loooove her!
1:22:03 – “Holy Captain Nemo!” That’s a new one.
1:22:20 – My eyes are itchy.
1:23:50 – Ya know, all Catwoman has really done so far is seduce. I guess that’s all woman are good for… oh well… I guess I’ll be dropping out of medical school now. What’s that? Oh, no… I don’t really want to be the President. Thanks for asking, though. I’ll just go wear a boa somewhere.
1:25:15 – I figured it out! My eyes are itchy because I am sitting on a rug full of dog hair! I’m *almost* as good as Robin at riddles.
1:26:30 – Just when I thought Joker was done with his Yoo Hoos…
1:27:42 – “Shut up, you feline floozy!” That’s right, Penguin, put her in her place.
1:29:00 – I’m digging the multi-colored shock waves, but Commodore is an idiot.
1:29:52 – Aw, the bad guys are protecting each other and holding onto each other. Except Penguin, he’s just yelling.
1:31:29 – Pow!
1:31:37 – Thwack!
1:31:43 – I think The Joker was just mocking the very same sound effects I am.
1:31:46 – Biff!
1:31:48 – Double Bap!
1:31:54 – Simultaneous zwapp!
1:32:00 – Sploosh! (Riddler fell off the boat)
1:32:03 – Klonk!
1:32:06 – Penguin just lightly tapped Robin on the back with his umbrella and then ran away.
1:32:14 – Urkk!
1:32:33 – Swoosh! (Silly Joker, thinking he can hit Batman)
1:32-34 – Swa-ap!
1:32:35 – Eee-Yow! (I went frame-by-frame to get the exact spelling of that one.)
1:32:43 – Ouch!
1:32:51 – Kapow!
1:32:54 – Ker-ploosh! (Riddler loves to fall into the water)
1:33:16 – Spa-a-t!
1:33:27 – Plop! (That ‘plop’ was Robin doing a perfect dive after being pushed off the boat by Catwoman, by the way. Perfect.)
1:33:31 – Urrrk!
1:33:34 – Blurp!
1:33:44 – Ker-plop!
1:34:00 – Treading water AND fighting villians at the same time? I say yay!
1:34:44 – Batman is having a very emotional and out-of-place moment as he realizes the woman he loved was always Catwoman in disguise. “It’s just… one of those things… in the life of every crime-fighter…” Batman, just hug Robin.
1:36:24 – I just realized at the begining of this review I declared myself an enemy of crime but now I’m a part of the United Underworld.
1:38:25 – “Gosh, yes, Batman! When you put it that way!” *The things Robin say speak for themselves.*
1:42:06 – Yay. World leaders are back.
1:43:31 – Batman is political, apparently.
1:44:17 – Robin has Lost Boy shoes. Not like cool vampires. Like, Peter Pan.
1:44:43 – Oh no, it’s over! And my last comment was about Robin’s shoes!