Queen of the Damned [retro viewing]

[00:00:12]

ALEX: AOL Time Warner turns out such gems
RICH: Hey, you’re forgetting The Matrix’. For that, all their sins are forgiven.
ALEX: Fair enough… But I’ll never forgive Stuart Townsend for this….

[00:01:29]
RICH: Oh, great – the exciting ‘narrators voiceover’
ALEX: Is that a Quasi French accent he’s trying?
RICH: You know, had you not pointed that out, I don’t think I would have noticed.
ALEX: What really gets me about the flick as a whole, is the fact that the majority of the plot isn’t even *from* Queen of the Damned…. but the previous book.
RICH: Indeed – in fact, I really, really liked The Vampire Lestat (the previous book)- which is why I just know I’m gonna hate this film
ALEX: Yeah…. it got me too.

[00:04:12]
RICH: “I am the Vampire Lestat”. Kill me now.
ALEX: I love the lack of shirt together with the leather coat.
RICH: Given that he’s been sleeping for 100 years, when did he find time to go to Hot Topic for his clothes?
ALEX: Yeah, so he chooses a pithy goth band…. And Aaliyah was such a horrible choice for Akasha.

[00:05:04]
ALEX: Heh…. can you hear the similarity to Orgy? I’ll have to make a note of who actually does the music.
RICH: It’s actually Jonathan Davies from Korn.

[00:06:04]
ALEX: Oh nice…. based on “The Vampire Chronicles”… a nice broad sweep!

[00:06:25]
RICH: Whoa, its London! I now feel right at home!

[00:07:25]
RICH: How many self-respecting journalists have ever asked a question containing the words “You guys” when referring to vampires? Why are these journalists taking this so seriously?
ALEX: Yeah…. They did vampire research before going to the press gig. Whatever happened to the bit about leaving clues in the club in Paris?

[00:09:29]
ALEX: Suck you on your neck… hey, that sounds like fun, do I get paid extra?
RICH: Come on – like Lestat really needs to get Pro’s in?
ALEX: Now that he’s a rock star, he wants Rock bitches…
RICH: He’s just too lazy to go pick up his own women, so he gets the elderly balding guy to do it for him…

[00:11:10]
ALEX: It’s time to play cat & mouse.

[00:11:29]
RICH: Let’s see the girls do this – Spidey, eat your heart out…
ALEX: Now he’s doing a lame Spidey impression.

[00:11:52]
ALEX: Lol… Totally lame…
RICH: You know, as soon as he was climbing those walls, if I was one of those girls, I’d be, say, running away at that point.
ALEX: They were fine with him crawling the walls until he showed his teeth and growled.

[00:12:35]
ALEX: She must’ve inherited all Claudia’s dolls.
RICH: I was thinking the same thing.

[00:13:22]
ALEX: Lena Olin is one of my favorite actresses…. she was at least a good casting choice. Maharet is one of my favorite characters… But Jesse, although cast well enough for the look of the part… the actual part they’ve given her bites ass instead of neck.

You know, what does it matter what she looks like? Blood is blood and it's all nasty to drink.

[00:14:42]
ALEX: Heh…. next will it be Werewolves turned gormet chefs?
RICH: Next time we do this, I’ll get you to watch Dog Soldiers, so you can see just how accurate that statement is.
ALEX: Hee hee… you’re on!

[00:15:01]
ALEX: That song in particular sounds like Orgy.
RICH: Yeah, that’s them.

[00:15:35]
ALEX: The video is awful…

[00:17:00]
ALEX: Just wait for this one… casting….

[00:17:21]
RICH: *Shock* Paul McGann! THAT’S David?
ALEX: *That* is David!!! He’s not OLD.
RICH: I noticed that as well – kinda defeats the purpose of his character in the books, yes?
ALEX: Well, makes Body Snatcher completely irrelevant…

[00:18:58]
ALEX: Heh. WRONG.
RICH: Isn’t Marius dead?
ALEX: Nope… but he didn’t make Lestat…
RICH: Now I’m really confused. Are they just making this up as they go along now?
ALEX: Lestat found Marius after searching for his own kind years after he was made by a crazy vampire who incinerated himself just afterwards…. nah, that’s not important. No big change there whatsoever.
RICH: Yeah, I just remembered, I’m mixing up my vampires. I can’t remember the name of Lestat’s real sire
ALEX: He wasn’t a big character… I am not sure he was ever actually named.
RICH: I think he’s named in The Vampire Lestat, but not for very long, due to his self-incendiary nature
ALEX: Yeah… maybe he was… I can’t remember it either, though….

[00:17:21]
ALEX: It’s completely against character for Marius to have done that anyhow. Arrrrrgh…. Marius was in seclusion to try and keep the Divine Parents a secret!

[00:22:04]
RICH: Is Marius’ blood made from tomato juice? That’s the runniest blood I’ve ever seen.
ALEX: Well, apart from the blood on Lestat’s neck, you mean.

[00:22:29]
RICH: Oh, that’s nice – the paintings in David’s office are hanging on the walls of Marius keep there…
ALEX: Yep… David was lucky to come by them on ebay, or something….

[00:23:25]
ALEX: That was quick, eh?
RICH: And yes, very, very quick – back from the dead good as new in 30 seconds. I think we’ve established that this film bears little resemblance to the actual books
ALEX: It borrows extremely badly… it’s a farce compared to the books. And what about France… and Lestat making his mother a vampire….and that stint as an actor?

[00:24:26]
RICH: Do you not think that that the gypsies might have noticed that Lestat and Marius are wearing EVENING DRESS? Makes them stand out a little – very ‘discrete’, Marius.
ALEX: Beachwear of that era *was* very formal, Rich…

[00:25:50]
ALEX: Now we get a taste from another Anne Rice novel, Violin….
RICH: Oh, a musical number. Will there be dancing girls next?

[00:26:34]
ALEX: RUN, it’s gonna Blow!!

[00:27:00]
ALEX: Oopsy.
RICH: Poor doomed Lestat…
ALEX: All for that poor fiddle.
RICH: Awe, he’s all sad now.
ALEX: And they’re all dead now… When, in the early years, was Lestat ever filled with remorse for his actions?
RICH: The moral of that story – don’t Jam with people in evening wear.
ALEX: Hee hee…

[00:28:28]
ALEX: Ooooh, and THIS is great! It’s like Scooby Doo or something…

[00:28:42]
RICH: What a brilliant hiding place! I never would have thought to keep the creators of the vampire race hidden under a dresser!
ALEX: Hey guys, Look, this switch must open the secret passage!

[00:29:25]
RICH: Magic torches: the latest spooky dungeon lighting. Never a good sign.

[00:29:49]

"Whoa...you watched Buffy, TOO?"

ALEX: Doors that bust that easily aren’t either.
RICH: Yeah, that bar across them made a lot of difference.
ALEX: What happened to the glorius mural Marius painted…?

[00:30:26]
ALEX: Yeah, that music stirs me too… I have to find a window to jump out of soon.
RICH: Hey, Lestat needs somewhere to practice his violin so it won’t piss Marius off too much.

[00:30:46]
ALEX: Tremble much, Aaliyah? Heh… I Know, I know… it’s not nice to speak ill of the dead… or is it the undead?

[00:31:50]
ALEX: Mmmm, Crispy!
RICH: It’s like the vampire equivalent of Skittles I guess – a crunchy shell, with a juicy inside.

[00:31:56]
ALEX: Talk about your bloodshot eyes…
RICH: My word, Lestat’s a sloppy eater.

[00:32:58]
RICH: I sense EXPOSITION SCENE!
ALEX: DAMN… Marius knows her name in this version… He’s not quite as reverent as I pictured him… wrong wrong wrong wrong….
RICH: I’ve given up on the associations already. Its just a vampire film with some characters with similar names now.
ALEX: But it’s such arrogance… calling itself after the book…

[00:35:47]
ALEX: Nice outfit Jesse has on, tho.
RICH: Yeah, pretty.

[00:36:06]
ALEX: Now she’s borrowed from Queen Amidala’s wardrobe…
RICH: Oh, furry shoulder pads.
ALEX: Complete with weird hairdo.
RICH: Really – I mean, how do people even persuade women to screw up their hair like that?
ALEX: It’s part of the masochistic element of our chromosomes that make us put up with high heels stockings, and thongs too…

[00:37:16]
RICH: It’s not a very popular club is it? There’s like 12 people in here.

[00:38:29]
ALEX: He’s around here… somewhere… He’s… he’s… hey, look at my hair!!
RICH: I’m convinced – Jesse is the best liar ever.

[00:39:12]
ALEX: She thought she could get away…
RICH: I sense – Lestat to the rescue…

[00:39:30]
RICH: Wow, it’s like I’m psychic
ALEX: Bionic woman effects… verra nice… and she becomes…..eternally…grateful to our hero. The dialogue here is pure class. “Well, I know a lot” … “not how to stay alive”
RICH: “Now how to stay alive”, “It seems we have that in common”. Very nice, straight out of the Happy Vampire Jokebook 101.
ALEX: heh

[00:41:10]
ALEX: Mmm… accupressure… “What do I Yearn”… Could I have Prepositions for 500, Alex?
RICH: Hey, he’s French – English is obviously not his first language.
ALEX: This is great… Appeal to his ‘humanity’… good work! What a play. She really *is* an awfully clever librarian.

[00:42:50]
RICH: Hey, he’s even a little less pale in these shots. Now THAT’S impressive.
ALEX: Bad post production work… We haven’t even gotten to the first page of QotD…

[00:43:37]
RICH: So, all of a sudden she’s going to Los Angeles for this concert we know nothing about, and she calls her boss who she knows won’t approve? This girl needs to learn some office politics.

[00:44:07]
ALEX: Oooh, the city of *lost* angels… that’s smart! They’re living in a high-tech tin can.

[00:45:18]
RICH: You would think Marius had time to go shopping once in a while.
ALEX: Heh… How did you manage to slip through the 50’s in red velvet???
RICH: Elvis.
ALEX: While Lestat is wearing draperies.

[00:46:31]
ALEX: “Vampire’s don’t settle old scores – they harbour them.” They don’t? So… he thinks everyone’s going to show up to the concert just to tell him that they’re *harbouring* their grudges…
RICH: Yep. He’s ever the optimist vampire.

[00:47:18]
ALEX: My fans. They worship me.
RICH: No, your fans STALK you *grins* Besides, I think Lestat’s just trying to reach out and touch someone
ALEX: “With all my black little heart” kill me now…. kill me dead.
RICH: That’s quality dialogue, right there. Overlooked for the Oscars, this film.

[00:49:17]
RICH: More top tunes in the background.
ALEX: I wouldn’t mind having the soundtrack… I might even buy it if I didn’t already own Orgy, Marilyn Manson, and Korn abums.

[00:49:27]
ALEX: Hey, look, Mama’s in da house!
RICH: My word, she’s terrible.
ALEX: You’re going to love this…

[00:50:21]
RICH: Oooh, I sense a dance number coming on.
ALEX: Apart from the outfit not remotely being Egyptian… I don’t remember Rice’s description of Akasha being so dark, or non-Egyptian for that matter…
RICH: Is everyone in the background going to join in as well?
ALEX: Yep… she’s gonna set the dance floor on fire with her moves… I mean, come on…. she’s not even a tiny bit pale….

[00:51:17]
RICH: Ooooowwwwwww.
ALEX: Mmmm… dinner. Good that she got a bite before it turned to dust.
RICH: Why doesn’t she just set them all on fire?

[00:51:50]
RICH: Oh, right… At least they kept that in then.
ALEX: Spontaneous combustion is fun for Everyone!

[00:52:32]
RICH: CGI at its finest, right there.
ALEX: “And I will …walk…through the fire….’cause what else can I do….”

[00:52:57]
ALEX: Mmm…. Moonbathing.
RICH: Totally ripped of from The Cable Guy.
ALEX: It sure seemed that way. Same dish, I’m sure.

[00:53:43]
RICH: Arghhhh – Papa Roach… noooo, angsty nu-metal.
ALEX: Okay, so now after close to an hour of the previous book, we’re finally getting close to QotD…

[00:53:50]
RICH: Hey, Jesse looks different!
ALEX: Heh… yeah, mucho sluttier.
RICH: You say it like is a bad thing…
ALEX: She’s gonna use the Ho entrance. Gotta love the plaid, anyway. Goth plaid…. I gotta get me that dress.
RICH: You think the other girl has used a little too much makeup?

[00:55:04]
ALEX: My favorite line: I’m an Episcapalian!
RICH: “Will I still get to go backstage?” This film is chock full of exciting dialogue.

[00:55:45]
RICH: Jesse’s been stealing office stationary again.
ALEX: She didn’t want late-fines.

[00:55:58]
ALEX: I’ve gotta be on stage in two minutes, baby! You’re forbidden fruit, My Favourite. Nice shoes. Not.
RICH: You know, I haven’t looked at her shoes once…
ALEX: Her hair is *so* dyed.
RICH: Not getting catty now, are we dear? Or perhaps a little jealous?
ALEX: Heh… when the movie is superficiallity incarnate, it’s difficult not to let it rub off on ya.

[00:57:30]
ALEX: Yeah, ’cause Lestat could do that *before* Akasha taught him.

[00:59:01]
ALEX: She’s got tomato juice for blood, too…

[00:59:25]
RICH: Lestat and Jesse, sitting in a tree…
ALEX: HA… that’s exactly what I said the first time I watched this!

[00:59:56]
RICH: Niiiiice red leather pants on Lestat there.
ALEX: He’s awfully good at changing gears… lusty / hungry to lusty/ angry in two seconds flat.
RICH: He’s just a wellspring of emotion.
ALEX: Oh no, I feel a horrible exposition of truth and contradiction here…
RICH: Is it me, or is Jesse’s dress getting shorter and shorter in each scene?
ALEX: Nah, must be her legs getting long and longer… “human life is precious… that’s why I made that little demonstration for you…”

[01:01:47]
RICH: Oh, some Disturbed in the background, now. Cool. That’s one hell of a concert.
ALEX: All of Australia attended, er, I mean California.

[01:02:04]
ALEX: But, predictably, little Jesse is back for more.

[01:02:54]
RICH: David got lucky – 100,000 people at this concert, and he finds both Jesse and Marius in the space of 30 seconds.
ALEX: Well, he does have that built in vampire tracking device…

[01:03:11]
ALEX: Oh look, they handed out props to the extras!
RICH: Oh, come on – who doesn’t own a plastic pitchfork nowadays?
ALEX: What’s with the guy who dyed his skin green?
RICH: Not sure – I’m mesmerised by Stuart Townsend’s awful lipsynching.
ALEX: Nice lip synching, Stu.

[01:04:32]
ALEX: No one wanted him to keep the jacket on.
RICH: You know, they could have picked someone with a less distinctive voice than Jonathan Davies to provide the singing for this.
ALEX: Complex music is overated… let’s have some guy bang some drums while Stu Townsend lipsynchs badly to someone else’s vocals. With some guitar riffs here and there.
RICH: But they have got big fire chimney things…that makes up for the terrible concert.
ALEX: Mmmm… I’m diggin’ Lestat’s see-though black & gold lamé shirt.
RICH: Why are all the vampries wearing hoodies? Is it some universal vampire dress code at concerts?

[01:05:13]
ALEX: It’s nice that the other ancients decided to coordinate their outfits for the evening.

[01:07:29]
ALEX: Thanks, Dad!
RICH: Gotta love Marius’ polite clapping.
ALEX: Nice kick to the collarbone…

[01:08:21]
ALEX: His head fell off while his body fell backwards!

[01:08:34]
RICH: Now that’s a lightshow!
ALEX: Ow, it burns and stings.

[01:09:03]
RICH: Enter page 1 of Queen of the Damned…
ALEX: Shame on you, Claudia Black.
RICH: I can’t deal with Claudia in this. I keep expecting her in Ivanova mode all the time

[01:09:24]
ALEX: Nice (wrong) entrance.
RICH: What was she doing under the stage? Hiding?
ALEX: Heh… you can see the band members just think: Damn, well, it’s all downhill from here.
RICH: At least they’re not dead…
ALEX: Her headdress bugs me.

[01:10:53]
RICH: “You’re bold, like your music” Who wrote this? The same people who scripted the Amidala/Anakin love scenes from Epdisode II?
ALEX: Well, they don’t call him the Brat Prince for nothin’.

[01:11:55]
RICH: Deftones – cool. This film has a kickin’ soundtrack, at any rate.
ALEX: The soundtrack is the best thing about this flick. I’m having a flashback to American Beauty….oh, wait…there it went again.
RICH: Those rose petals are probably very good for their skin.

[01:12:53]
ALEX: She looks so attractive with blood running down her chin… what is that tunnel in the visions?
RICH: Hey, thats what every guy looks for in a girl, right?
ALEX: And why are Maharet and Mekere not in the visions?
RICH: Hmm, that timing could have been better with that message.
ALEX: hee hee….

[01:13:50]

"Did someone just fart rose petals in here?"

RICH: Wow, we’re actually into the 3rd book now.
ALEX: So Jesse made it out of the concert without a scratch on her?
RICH: Hey, she’s had a nights sleep – easily enough to heal any wounds. Wow, Maharet would have been pissed if Lestat had embraced Jesse, wouldn’t she?
ALEX: I always thought it was pronounced… Mah-ha-reet.

[01:16:09]
ALEX: And meanwhile, at the Playboy Mansion….
RICH: Time for Lestat to slap on the sunscreen. I mean, if Lestat really, REALLY wanted to upset all the other vampires, imagine how pissed they’d be if he showed up with a tan.
ALEX: Hey, *that’s* how Akasha’s still so tan…. but didn’t all other Vampires suffer when she was set out in the sun with her king…?

[01:18:05]
ALEX: Oh, he’s pretty quick to decide that she’s out of control… it’s taken all of 30 seconds for him to disagree with her.
RICH: “Hey, she killed everyone on that beach – that’s not a good thing” Jeez.

[01:19:41]
ALEX: Why did they dress Pandora in Indian garb?? I love that we don’t get any explanation of who the other Ancients are, whatsoever.
RICH: They’re vampires – like we need any more information.
ALEX: Wasn’t it Akasha’s motive in the books to create a perfect world by subjugating men and raising women to ultimate power?? Not kill all humans.
RICH: Yep.

[01:21:47]
ALEX: Stu has bad posture.
RICH: It’s all that metal he’s wearing.
ALEX: And he needs to shave.

[1:22:15]
ALEX: There goes the family tree!
RICH: Nice bra-strap action there, girl.
ALEX: He’s a breast man. Does it occur to you that Akasha shouldn’t have been able to fly Maharet across the room? Jesse’s just fine….busy dyin’ and all while the Ancients have a nice chat.
RICH: She’ll be ok in just a second.

[01:23:50]
ALEX: Oooh, nice Foreshadowing! Who was that supposed to be, anyway?
RICH: Not sure.
ALEX: Hey, Pandora got incinerated.
RICH: I noticed. Let’s be fair, its not like they need to follow the books any more – they’re not gonna make another one of these films, are they?
ALEX: I certainly hope not, unless they make a new set that’s more respectful of the original books. I kept expecting Mekere to show up, at least…
RICH: Well, after Akasha sliced him up earlier, I wasn’t confident about him making an appearance.
ALEX: No, Mekere, Maharet’s sister… the one whose tongue Akasha cut out… like she cut out Maharet’s eyes.

[01:26:08]
ALEX: She’s past her expiration date… Hey look… it’s Leonardo Dicaprio’s stunt double…
RICH: “I’m melting, I’m melting… what a world…”

[1:28:02]
RICH: Wow. Akasha was in this film for all of 23 minutes.
ALEX: So… now to save Jessie… She’s only been dying there for about six minutes…

[1:29:02]
RICH: Ah, David… Are we at least going to get a proper ending for him?

[01:29:50]
ALEX: Well… there’s our Fiend… I mean Friend, Lestat. It’s just so full of twists and turns.
RICH: See, vampires aren’t all bad – at least they return their books when they’re done with them.
ALEX: gah. Yeah… at 45, he’s too old to live forever.
RICH: Hey, 25 is the statute of limitations on vampirism nowadays, weren’t you told? I love the way, now Jesse’s a vampire, she has to dress in black.
ALEX: Yep… and the Talamasca has its doors open to vampires, so that whenever they want to drop in and visit, they can…

[01:32:29]
RICH: I guess they couldn’t really do the ‘walking off into the sunset’ ending…
ALEX: Ray Of Light, anyone?

[01:33:09]
RICH: Oh, nice classy flashing headstones on the tribute there.

[01:34:00]
ALEX: I’m curious to see if the other members of the Talamasca are listed by name… same with the other vamps apart from Marius and Pandora… yep seems they are… maybe there are deleted scenes!
RICH: You know, even as an immortal, that film still wouldn’t be worth the hour and 35 minutes I just wasted, were it not for your company, of course, Alex.
ALEX: I couldn’t agree more, especially since I’ve seen it before.

[01:35:29]
ALEX: LOL… credited as Guy Being Sucked.

[01:35:52]
RICH: Oh, cool – the guy who tries to sell Jesse the concert tickets is Jonathan Davies, the guy who provides Lestat’s vocals.
ALEX: Cool…
RICH: Well, the soundtrack was pretty cool. But as a vampire film – well, it sucked
ALEX: You beat me to it…

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1 Comment

  1. ALEX: Shame on you, Claudia Black.
    RICH: I can’t deal with Claudia in this. I keep expecting her in Ivanova mode all the time.

    Did you confuse your Claudias there? Claudia Christian is Susan Ivanova on Babylon 5. Claudia Black is Aeryn Sun on Farscape.

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