Resident Evil [retro viewing]

Hidden in the Ancient Mutant Vaults ™, this Mutant Viewing of Resident Evil was recently unearthed. To the horror of many. And now it’s out there… too late to contain… spreading its virus wherever readers go…

Justin: Is Mary Poppins the spokeswoman for the Umbrella Corp.? Oh, this is the company that manufactures Evil (with apologies to MST3K)

Rich: How much fun would those robot arms be? I mean, seriously?

Justin: I wonder if he uses those arms to bust a groove?

Alex: I would kick ass with those… I used to practice at arcades all the time.

Rich: Ah – look, a double helix – surely that can’t be symbolic of anything.

Alex: Perdy colors though…

Justin: He wants the stuffed bear with the virus center.

Rich: Just for once, I’d like to see an evil corporation that stored its deadly diseases in beakers.

Justin: You’d think the vents would be better protected from an accidental outbreak in the air conditioning.

Alex: Honestly, what self-respecting Biohazard lab would be built with air-conditioning ducts like that?

Rich: “You’re gonna die, you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die…”

Justin: I like how the fake window backgrounds make you think this is above the ground.

Alex: Haha… Starcraft sound effects? No, damn, where are they from?

Justin: Here comes the Zerg rush!

Rich: I hate lifts. Just thought I’d throw that in there.

Justin: This guy’s just not having a good day. I remember Bill Cosby saying that if he was ever in an elevator that fell, he would jump a second before it hit the ground… when I was a kid, that made sense to me… took a while to figure out why that wouldn’t work.

Alex: Heh… “sealed” enough for the virus to escape. It’s the sound of impending Doooooooooooom! Doom doom de-doom doom-dee-doom doóm doom.

Justin:Always the axe-wielding scientist that unleashes doom on us all.

Rich: Oh, oh, just my total nightmare unfolding on screen.

Justin: The screaming elevator was definitely creepy. Can you imagine hearing that next to your car?

Alex: Better yet: Trying to reason with a security camera.

Rich Now, what company installs nerve gas dispenses in their office space? That’s just uncalled for.

Justin: I think that’s halon, don’t you? Drowning, suffocation, falling, or virus mutation… which is the best way to go here?

Alex: I’ll take quick beheadings for 2000, Alex. There went her clean undies.

Rich: Don’t squeeze through!

Justin: It’s called an elevator hatch, use it, morons. Great double psyche-out tho.

Alex: A favorite scene for all the fan-boys out there… I love the strategically placed shower-curtain.

Rich: Hey, its naked Milla Jovovich – this film just got 10 times better!

Justin: Oooh, yeah, that’s never a bad way to introduce a character. She’s so modest even when alone in the shower, I know I cover my naughty bits.

Justin: Niiiiiice House tho… Complete with wardrobe!

Rich: There’s just so many bad taste jokes about that comment I could be making, but I choose not to. On a more, you know, movie related topic, I beleive the house we are seeing now is meant to be the house in which the original Resident Evil game takes place. Niiice boots. Got to love a girl in boots. Well, I do, anyway.

Justin: I wish they had recycled some of the atrocious dialogue from the first game, it really was memorable how bad that was.

Alex: I’ve got a pair of boots like that. Now all I need is the dress… and the body.

Justin: “Fighting evil is hard work… that’s why I let Maybeline and J.Crew prepare me for battle!”

Rich: Maybe she’s born with it, J.

Alex: ‘Cause she’s worth it

Rich: Oh, Rich scores with the make up related pun only seconds before Alex!

Justin: So what function does that whispy scarf skirt serve, Alex?

Alex: I think it’s some kinda new-fangled zombie-repellent.

Justin: That’s a military-brand spaghetti strap, indeed it is. Zombie leaves! Soundtrack brought to you by Nine Inch Nails… and now, our movie…

Alex: The soundtrack’s sweeeeet. Hee hee…. sweet dialogue too.

Justin: This would be a completely different scene with a traditional score.

Alex: The score makes the movie so much better in so many places.

Rich: Their beautiful house!! All smashed up! Look – it’s not-Vasquez-from-Aliens.

Justin: Ooh, Growly Girl’s here. I’d say her panties are always in a bunch, but she’s so macho that I’m fairly sure she chooses a different brand.

Rich: It’s practically a new cliche: The all-action-gritty-mannish-girl with the heart of gold.

Alex: You guys think she’s wearing panties? Traditionalists… heh. Their logo, I gotta say, is just silly.

Rich: What, the umbrella one? I’m kinda partial to it myself. More underwear humour – this is heading for the gutter faster than I thought.

Justin: This countdown doesn’t make much sense. Either the whole place shuts down immediately upon a virus outbreak, or it doesn’t. None of this “maybe 3 hours is enough time” stuff. And she’s a mechanic! I’m not saying ANYTHING about how that flashlight is in her mouth.

Rich: Damn, J – I wasn’t going to make that joke either. That train is straight out of Resident Evil 2.

Alex: We’ve got the femme and butch, people…. you figure out which is which.

Justin: Next stop, Piccadilly Circus! And then, Nasty Zombie Town.

Alex: Mind the gap!

Rich: For an airtight security system, this place sure had a lot of people just hanging around, didn’t it?

Alex: What a sweet inscription.

Rich: Yeah, ‘Property of the Umbrella Corporation’ – that’s true love.

Alex: This supermodel don’t take no guff!

Justin: I keep expecting the Red Queen to play Tetris with the people she’s turning into cubes.

Rich: Next Block: Arm and Head.

Justin: So… does anyone else think it’s not so wise they took off their gas masks to come in here? Yeah, I bet the rest of this movie will just be a boring cleanup operation.

Rich: The games were never this detailed.

Justin: So, if the facility is underground, do they have to pump their sewage UP? AND she welds! What does this girl not do?

Rich: Of course she welds. Welding is mandatory in these films.

Alex: We’ve breached the Hive… I hope no one’s got allergies.

Justin: A SEXY nerve gas was released into the house… it waited until she was in the shower, kind of it.

Rich: I wish I had more access to sexy nerve gas.

Justin: Should’ve been the “Queen Bee”, not the “Red Queen” then. Relax fellas, it’s only 22 minutes into it, you’re not going to be fighting anyone for at least 20 more. So don’t bother jumping at everything.

Rich: Yeah, but they’re all gonna be dead in about 50 minutes – ending it now is probably the best thing to do.

Justin: No! Shut up! You be quiet! Say it isn’t so!

Rich: Oh, sorry. They’re all gonna be fine, honest J.

Alex: Gee, they really built in a lot of precautions… bullet proof glass and whatnot.

Justin: This is the most exciting that walking down stairs has ever been in ANY film. I can see the director going up to the industrial band and saying, “I need something appropriate for people walking down stairs, with nothing happening”

Alex: I wonder how she’s credited in the end… Aqua-zombie #1?

Rich: Hey, he gave her his jacket… I think someone has a crush!

Alex: …Someone… and… um, whatsyername, sittin’ in a tree…

Justin: It’s a SEXY jacket that triggers SEXY flashbacks!

Rich: I need more sexy flashbacks also.

Justin: Take my jacket, Rich.

Alex: Hee hee.

Rich: Hmmm – somehow, I feel that those aren’t the kind of sexy flashbacks I want – I’ve repressed those memories for a reason.

Justin: I laugh at that nod the soldier gives Mr. Amnesia… “Yo. What up.” She’s so patient to wait until they walk away to start her Sea World routine.

Alex: Oooh great idea… we don’t know what we’re up against, so obviously the best idea is to split up and face it one on one.

Rich: Hey, what’s in this box?

Justin: Secrets? In a secret underground base? Neverrrrr… “Today’s weather will be intense fog, but just around your ankles. Forecast calls for a shower of blood, tapering off to a light splatter come evening.”

Alex: Does that count as soda ad-placement? I sure thought of Coca Cola.

Rich: Yes, nothing to worry about from those lights!

Alex: It’s Cube-time! I love this scene… even if it does rid us of one of the cooler guys on the team. Hey, It’s a Tamagotchi!

Justin: Would hate to be this corporation’s IT guy… have to travel through this hallway every day to do a backup.

Rich: Really. Especially considering that the thing you are poking around in controlls those beams…

Alex: Hehe…. can’t imagine the Red Queen is too happy with that idea. Man that’s cool. Finger lickin’ good. I wish they hadn’t copped out and blurred the slice ‘n’ dice.

Rich: Oh, thats gonna leave a scar. Medic!!

Justin:They have guns, why don’t they start firing at the wall? Game over man, GAME OVER!

Rich: “There’s no way I’m going in there!” That, is a smart guy.

Alex: Hehe… you go first, boy-chick.

Justin: And who just had Chinese for dinner?

Rich: Man, I wondered what those chunks were… Kinda tasted like chicken to me.

Justin:I want an Armputer for my birthday… or something like Leela has on Futurama.

Rich: You know, if I were Umbrella – instead of this massive metallic thing, I’d maybe have just put an on/off button.

Alex: Now let’s think: what usually happens when you reboot a system? Was that really the smartest thing they could have done?

Justin: Why would you model a defense computer after a kid? I mean, they don’t have a great record for common freaking sense.

Alex: That’s one vindictive little kid, too.

Rich: Ladies and gentlemen, now for your viewing pleasure, Umbrella Corporation would like to show you its newest line in fashion. They call it: the zombie collection. Featuring lack of skin, gratuitious wounds, and a desire for flesh.

Alex: I love the dagger manicure, too.

Rich: What is it that these people don’t understand – haven’t they ever SEEN a zombie film?

Alex: Five times, man… five times!

Justin: “I mean it!” “Anyone want a peanut?”

Alex: Mmmm… cue impending sense of doom.

Rich: Blood doesn’t coagulate ’till after you’re dead? I hope I don’t cut myself shaving any time soon.

Justin: Hmm… that doesn’t sound quite right Rich. Sucks to be a handcuffed guy in the middle of a secure underground base that’s infested with zombies.

Rich: Really, I’m thinking that the handcuffs are the least of his problems.

Justin: No, they’re a pretty big problem, all things considered.

Alex: Bitch *is* standing now! Eh, strike that.

Justin: I love the verbal warnings… “What are we supposed to use, man, harsh language?”

Alex: I swear, it must have been so much fun to be a zombie extra.

Rich: “Yes, these walking dead will listen to reason.”

Alex: And yet, no one has thought to uncuff that poor guy…

Justin:I’m sure the zombie’s will help him out.

Alex: Awful good time for a flashback.

Rich: Come on – he’s a cop. Everyone knows they can’t be trusted.

Justin: Save you game, man! Save your game!

Rich: They’re all out of Ink Ribbons, and there’s not a typewriter in sight.

Alex: Hee hee… I love that guy, deadpan. “Come on man. Come on.”

Justin: I remember this level, where all you had was a weak kick to defend yourself… that was fun, hammering on the X button.

Rich: Hey, he’s not handcuffed any more, but he is on fire. Is that a better trade-off?

Justin: “Athlete’s foot is like a burning, itching sensation between your toes”

Alex: Wrong frikken door, buddy. See how easy it is, to get eaten alive?

Rich: It’s like a zombie cook-out! Everyone gets a meal.

Justin: Do you think they used to date? I mean, before he was Soldier McNuggets?

Rich: You think she dates men?

Justin: I’m not sure she dates humans, to tell the truth.

Rich: I think you’re missing an underlying subtext somewhere J.

Alex: Who, IT guy and Soldier McNugget?

Justin: Straight, heterosexual women can be aggressive and use heavy weapons to mow down zombies too, you know. She does have that one emotion, ah, um, “glaring”, down pat. So thoughtful for Umbrella to put in a swimming pool for the employees to enjoy.

Alex: It’s your fault, dumbass, Yeeeaaaaah. I was too busy welding. Another great scene… a real treat for the pet-lovers here.

Rich: Yay – more computer game references for the geekazoid army. The Resident Evil dogs rule.

Alex: Heeeeeere puppy… gooooooood puppy!

Rich: They even make that clicking noise on the game too.

Justin: It would’ve been *awesome* if the dogs were still friendly and playful even while mutated and inside-out.

Alex: The only qualm being that Zombie dogs can somehow run fast and have awesome sharp teeth, as opposed to zombie humans…

Rich: “Suddenly, I was reminded of my first fight with Tyler.”

Alex: Umbrella Bullets… that rocks. A little Trinity action never hurts, either.

Rich: Why does every single action film, regardless of content, have to have the “slo-mo bullet casing” shot.? I blame the Wachowski brothers for a lot of things…

Justin:I think you have John Woo to blame first.

Alex: *quick little sigh* Well, this is obviously just not going to be my day today.

Rich: John who?

Alex: Woo who, Woooo who who who… Ya gotta love the terrified look on our IT’ guy’s face.

Rich: Now, if I’m this guy, I don’t hang around offices, sat at desks reading papers. Shock! There’s more to this little escapade than first meets the eye. Gotta love plots told in flashback.

Alex: Well, what else are you going to do to kill time while waiting to be devoured by reanimated corpses?

Rich: How about tell your life story to an amnesiac in a red dress?

Justin: She reminds me of Seven of Nine a bit.

Alex: That’ll work too, especially if she’s just brained your sister/zombie with a glass paperweight.

Justin: Well, aside from Ms. Five-Bullets-Don’t-Slow-Me-Down and Ms. Glare, I don’t think he’s got a better chance for a makeout session down here.

Rich: Good point!

Justin: So Alex, you hate Tatu, huh?

Alex: Yar.

Rich: “How did you get through all those zombies?” “Oh, we ran. But they didn’t show that on screen, so it is ok.”

Alex: And they didn’t do that really well, either.

Justin: Yeah, we ARE the backup, dumb butt.

Rich: OK. So they’re turning the maniac computer back on. Good call. It’s a good job no-one got sliced into little pieces to turn her off in the first place.

Alex: The lesson to learn here? When all else fails, take orders from your nearest supermodel.

Justin: If only Zoolander were here.

Rich: “They’re driven by the basest of impulses, the most basic of needs.”

Alex: Oh, I thought it was the need… the need for SPEED!

Rich: It’s a lab full of frat boys!

Justin: The director was like, hey guys, just stand there looking dumb while the computer voice does our exposition for us.

Alex: Protean virus… yeah, that’s why they installed the air conditioning system they did.

Justin: She’s just too grouchy to turn into a zombie quickly.

Alex: She gets bitten and scratched and attacked like what… five, six times?

Justin: So now we have three parties interested with making out with Milla?

Rich: “They’re coming out the walls, they’re coming out the darned walls!!”

Justin: GRR! MAN IS STUPID! SHUT UP MAN!

Alex: I actually really liked that moment…. “Those things are right behind us….” *Grab*

Rich: Man, that zombie just dies in the best way imaginable.

Alex: “There’s too many of ’em!” Like one is just enough.

Justin: “These tracks are too precise for Bantha raiders…” She’s just like zombie chow, ain’t she?

Rich: “Zombies always travel single file, to hide their numbers.”

Justin: Hehe… feed da zombies… 25 cents for another handful of blood pellets.

Rich: She’s like the zombie equivalent of broccoli. One bite, and then they just play with their food.

Justin: And her optimism is almost as contageous as the darn virus, dontcha know… Well, YOU’RE getting out, but do you honestly think these poor saps who aren’t on the poster are going to make it, Milla? It’s a zombie rave!

Rich: Uh-oh, plucky young cornbread military is about to have a bad day.

Alex: Why don’t Zombies chow down on their own? I mean… how can they tell the difference?

Rich: “Quick save, the girl in the dress.” “What about that guy?” “Ah, he’s a guy, leave him…”

Justin: If he was in a skirt, they’d save him.

Alex: Ahhhhh, that explains PoolMan, then. I’m itching for some more loud music, by now. That was great: You’re gonna have to work for your meal.

Justin: Your Happy Meal! Now, with a zombie surprise!

Rich: Military Rations, ready to eat in the field.

Justin: He’s soaking in a sweaty shirt, but she’s merely sheening… ah women and their sweatless qualities.

Rich: Women don’t sweat, they glow or perspire gently.

Alex: I like the extra little CGI prize. Was the extra monster in the game, too?

Justin: Yeah, it’s the Licker. It showed up in the second game when you went into the police station and walked down the first hallway… it was on the ceiling and dropped down on you.

Alex: Hey wait… We’re forgetting the better piece of tail!

Rich: “I see dead people.” Zombie bunny! Now that would be devastating.

Alex: Killer Bunnies!

Justin: Bugs is back… and this time, he don’t want no carrots!

Alex: We gotta do Night of the Lepus sometime.

Rich: “That’s no ordinary rabbit, I tell ya – he’s a killer! He’s got a vicious streak a mile wide!”

Justin: So, she’s letting a man drag her around… does this mean she’s in love? They’re not boots, they’re fashionable galoshes!

Rich: In my experience, love usually results in the opposite of that taking place.

Justin:I swear, my new “this whole movie is just a depraved rave” theory is gaining ground.

Alex: Gone: Not present, away, non-existent. Obligatory sex scene… Now!

Justin: It’s SEXY betrayal!

Rich: So who’s sleeping with who?

Alex: No one took notice of the leather coat paired with latex gloves?

Justin: I thought this bit with him knocking over the coffee was pretty inspired and shows a patient hand for a filmmaker.

Alex:And I love how he stayed just long enough to watch the vial break…

Justin: Join me and together we will rule the universe… Generic Guy and Supermodel!

Alex: One of the better lines: “I wouldn’t wanna shoot you… might need the bullets.”

Justin: You know he’s evil, cause he’s got a 5 o-clock shadow, and Handcuff Guy is clean shaven.

Rich: Yep. Facial hair is always evil.

Alex: Is that a Boston Accent I’m hearing?

Justin: Ms. Growly’s got a 5 o-clock shadow too. Hey! Watch the language! You’re in a family-oriented R-rated zombie flick!

Rich: “I’ve been a bad, bad girl.” Never words you want to hear. Well, except in certain specialised circumstances, I guess.

Alex: With AI Computer systems based on vindictive six year old girls.

Rich: I have to say, they did a really good job on the Licker.

Justin: Not only is she a little girl, she’s got that creepy English accent… Super-Evil. “Pro-cess” “Shed-dule”

Rich: Hey, Hollywood knows the truth – we’re all evil.

Justin: Just your children, Rich. I bet Ms. Growly’s upset that the computer isn’t male, then she could hate it more.

Rich: Hooray for noble self sacrifice!

Alex: Heheh. Nice guys finish last, ya know.

Justin: You know, if she was killed, it probably would’ve helped our heroes more.

Alex: That is one sadistic computer kid. Where’d the Licker go? Hey there Buuuu-dhy!

Rich: Hey – it’s the guy we left for dead making an unexpected return! No-one could have seen that coming.

Alex: And Milla’s dress gets *even* shorter, yet.

Justin: “So… they’re still working hard to eat you, huh? How’s that going for ya?”

Alex: Well, I’m glad *I* don’t have to clean up this mess…

Justin: Now she’s being *carried*… I think she’s married the guy at this point.

Rich: You know, it’s touching scenes between a zombie and his lover that make this the weepfest movie it is.

Alex: Hand me some more tissue’s would ya? Chalk one more up for those kick-ass boots!

Justin: So what did the Licker do to him? He just has some minor flesh wounds!

Rich: This music is straight out of Resident Evil 2.

Justin: That really was a great game, for all of its lesser sequels (and predecessor).

Rich: “Hey, no-one else is gonna die”. Milla just hates the people she’s with, doesn’t she?

Justin: “Well, except for you, but we wouldn’t want you around after the end credits anyway.”

Rich: They were close – almost like sisters, for the 30 minutes they knew each other.

Alex: Useful stuff, in that transport train. There’s that glowing persperative sheen again.

Justin: She’s been lightly misted by a set assistant. Wait… forehead furrowing… could it be… acting? Nooooo…

Alex: She’s been waiting to hear that from Milla the whole movie.

Rich: So, that Licker killed him in what, 0.1 seconds?

Justin: Well, the Licker didn’t have to work hard for it, eh?

Alex:Those Umbrella Bullets are really effective.

Rich: The bane of all genetic monstrosoties – pipes!!!

Alex: Gotta love the neck-crack. Let’s get adjusted to our new zombie-role…

Rich: Oh – I think he trod on the third rail…

Justin: She’s a little more happy as a zombie, wouldn’t you say?

Alex: I think she’s found her calling in life… how ever short-lived it turned out to be.

Justin: “Well, no one ELSE is gonna die!”

Alex: *Now* we have a breakdown. Heh, that’s a little disconcerting.

Justin: It’s the G-men from E.T.!

Rich: Noooo!! They’re gonna stop Milla from getting to her mothership in time!

Alex: “You’re infected… you’re going to be okay…” Is that like her patented Death Sentence to hand out?

Justin: She’s like Captain Kirk, kissing a girl… it’s a guarantee that they’re gonna bite it.

Rich: Nice mention of the Nemesis program from the games as well.

Alex: Oooooh, so That’s how Star Trek Nemesis got made. I see.

Rich: To say what a crock this film is; the references back to the source materials are both faithful and effective. Kudos to you, Resident Evil!

Alex: ‘Cause Re-opening the hive worked so well the first time around.

Rich: Hey, she’s naked again. This is more like it! That paper can’t be keeping her very warm.

Alex: Pins and needles, pins and needles!

Justin: The part where she wakes up in the hospital are very reminiscent of the guy escaping from the bio facility in The Stand (and to a lesser extent, 28 Days Later).

Alex: I loved that scene in 28 Days Later, I just gotta say. Rack one up for the gals.

Justin: So the costume designers were in a quandry… how do we give Milla something LESS revealing to wear, after an entire movie wearing a postage stamp red dress? And they came through admirably.

Alex: And her blood has aparently been replaced with liquid Jell-O.

Rich: And don’t forget, they had to also trump the 5th element, where she begins wearing basically 2 towels.

Justin: She’s wearing the Smurfs’ shower curtain.

Rich: I’m looking forward to her next film; Showgirls 2.

Justin: But heck, that’s never a nice thing to see the second you get out of the hospital!

Alex: Lucky someone left a shotgun behind for her. That’s a seriously creepy last scene… well-done.

Justin: GREAT pull-away! And the blood coming out of the highrise windows.

Rich: And after blood-pumping 90 minutes, what better way to wind down through credit than with ‘My Plaugue’, speed-thrashcore metal from Slipknot?

Justin: That guy’s last name is “Salmon”. He’s never gonna make it big.

Alex: Doctor Colors??

Rich: I just noticed that?

Justin: And that girl’s last name is Dicker. Weird names on this film.

Rich: Well, as far as films go, that was Aliens with Zombies and more nudity.

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1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Resident Evil [retro review] « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

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