Heather does Dead and Breakfast

“Johnny stay away from that box/ Johnny stay away from that box!/ Just pretend it’s a girl under eighteen if you touch it, bad news, if you know what I mean/ Johnny stay away from that box!”

The Scoop: 2004, R, directed by Matthew Leutwyler and starring (deep breath) Ever Carradine, Brent David Fraser, Bianca Lawson, Erik Palladino, Oz Perkins, Gina Phillipps, Jeremy Sisto, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and David Carridine

Tagline: It’s like a bad horror movie, only worse.

Summary Capsule: A group of teens get lost in the Middle of Nowhere and set off a non-zombpocalypse. Also a country singer is possessed by the devil and starts singing terrible rap music. There’s a Kid Rock joke in there, somewhere.

Heather’s Rating: *fist pump* YES!

Heather’s Review: Recently I was looking for my next review subject and decided to check out our forum’s review suggestions section (The List, if you want to contribute) and there was a call for us to do Dead and Breakfast. I’d been putting off what I thought was a scholocky horror flick in my Netflix queue for so long that I had forgotten about it.

D&B sat, unassuming, in my Instant Play queue  for a couple of months or so. It was jammed in between about five other zombie movies, the result of Netflix getting a whiff of my interest in the undead and then proceeding to bombard me with suggestions that I view everything on their site featuring a shuffling corpse. As a result I had to ban the words “Tom Cruise” from all future search results.

D&B is strange, to say the least. Things start out typically for a horror film, with a group of teens travelling through BFE when they find themselves stuck in a blink-and-you-miss-it-town for the night. Once they reach said town and settle into a local B&B the movie lets out a Spartan war cry and beats anyone with expectations of a “normal” horror film within an inch of their lives.

David Carradine, playing the B&B owner, has acquired an ancient, evil spirit trapped in some enchanted container that looks like a mini Weinermobile. One of the group members gets himself possessed by the spirit of the hot dog box and begins turning the town into his personal army of undead slaves. There’s a cowboy crooner singing goofy songs based on the movie’s action, a woman that totally MacGuyver’s a shotgun from junk she finds around the house, and the possessed break into choregraphed dance while singing about how they’re gonna kill the survivors.

I love this movie.

As extra sauce on the BBQ of crazy is Jeffrey Dean “The Comedian” Morgan as a country bumpkin sherrif and Diedrich Bader hamming up the role of a French chef to the point that no self-respecting vegetarian can watch the film. Oh and I can’t leave out one of the main characters slipping all over blood on the kitchen floor to the tune of some goofy music. Sam Raimi would be proud.

I’ve seen this movie 4 times since I first sat down to take notes on it. It’s on my list of favorite genre spoofs and I order everyone I meet to watch this weird thing. That includes you. Now GO!

" 'Just beat it! Beat it! No one wants to....' Oops. Sorry, guys. Wrong song. Again, from the top."

Intermission:

  • NOBODY says “nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”. Seriously, Hollywood… are we ever going to move past that old joke?
  • When the Sherriff is pulling the chainsaw out of the closet, an Evil Dead poster can be seen.
  • When Melody (Gina Philips) kills one of the zombies, the Sheriff (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) says, “Nice move, Buffy.” Bianca Lawson, who plays Kate in the film, played Kendra on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series.

Groovy Quotes:

Randall Keith Randall: [chorus of song in closing credits] Well, this used to be such a quiet little town / We never had too much trouble around here / Until that spirit was released / And we were haunted by the deceased / And now there’s all this crazy s**t that’s going down here.

David: Had I known it was going to feel this good to bash your brains in I would have done it a long time ago.

Lisa Belmont: I would love to go with y’all, but I’ve got to stay here and protect the records. It’s mah job.

The Sheriff: Well! Ain’t you about as handy as a pocket on a shirt.

Kate: Do you know how long we’ve been dating?
David: You’re kidding, right?
Kate: I’m asking you a question!
David: And you think this is the right time to ask a question like that?
Kate: [laughs] there’s always some excuse for not wanting to talk about these things.
David: I think defending ourselves from a demon spirit that’s now inhabiting your best friend’s cousin ranks pretty damn high on the list of good excuses for not wanting to analyze our relationship right now. Could-could you hand me that loaded pipe so I can take care of this tall freak with the ax that’s coming up the steps?

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3 Comments

  1. Pingback: Heather does Undead or Alive: A Zombedy [Wild Weird West Week] « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

  2. Pingback: Heather does Lo « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

  3. Pingback: Heather does The Dead Inside | Mutant Reviewers

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