Justin does Final Destination 3

“It was this guy, uh, black cloak, I couldn’t see his face, but uh, the ride attendant, did take his sickle, if that’s helpful, in any way.”

The Scoop: 2006 R, directed by James Wong and starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ryan Merriman and Kris Lemche

Tagline: This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

Summary Capsule: The Final Destination series lumbers back up the hill of creativity before crashing horribly

Justin’s Rating: You’d think that by now, we would have come to the actual final destination. I guess the previous destinations were just part-way destinations.

Justin’s Review:

MRFH: Welcome back to the program. We’re sitting here with Death, who’s graciously taken time out of his busy schedule of decimating the human race to share his thoughts on Final Destination 3, a movie some are calling “Death’s Autobiography”.

GRIM REAPER: Oh, I certainly did not authorize that project, and they will be hearing from my lawyers.

MRFH: I take it that it’s riddled with an incredible amount of hyperbole and silliness?

GRIM REAPER: No, no, it’s pretty spot on, I just didn’t get a consulting credit or any residuals. These $5,000 Italian black cloaks don’t buy themselves, you know.

MRFH: Indeed. Let’s talk about FD3, as the Death Heads are calling it. It seems as though these films are about an embarrassing gaffe on your behalf, individuals who receive a vision about a horrifying accident in the very near future and avoid dying because of it.

GRIM REAPER: (Sighs.) Listen, can we be candid for a moment? The death industry is quite a large one, with several tiers of beaurocracy and red tape like you wouldn’t believe. Thousands die every day, and they all have to be approved and processed before the collection can occur. That requires a staff of a couple hundred souls, chained to their desks, to assist in the task.

MRFH: Wait a minute. Are you saying that you are not the sole arbiter of everyone’s fate?

GRIM REAPER: No, it hasn’t been a one-person job for a few thousand years now. Our employees receive generous benefits, such as a coffee break every eon or so, but once in a while you get a malcontent. A mischevious soul. In our case, it was Tony Hastas, who decided to fling a little “head’s up!” memo to a few particular souls.

MRFH: And you caught him, I suppose.

GRIM REAPER: He’s been relocated to be a gas station pump attendant in New Jersey as punishment.

MRFH: You fiend! So once you realized that a few folks were skirting around death…

GRIM REAPER: We had to make an example so this sort of thing wouldn’t continue. Cheating death? Please. People have developed such arrogant attitudes in this century that they now think dying is an optional activity, like fooseball and hair extensions. So we had to make an example of these people.

MRFH: How so?

GRIM REAPER: Oh, they were going to have it easy the first time around – a quick, relatively painless demise. But when they start wagging their finger in my face and start talking smack to the Grim Reaper? It’s on. They’re not going to go quietly into that good night. They’re going to enter a funhouse that is lodged in the deepest recesses of my twisted imagination.

MRFH: What do you do to them?

GRIM REAPER: I like to mess with these people a bit, like a cat toying with a mouse. You know, supernaturally manipulating radio stations, causing suspicious gusts of wind to rise up, making the soundtrack turn all ominous and forboding. Nothing like the scent of fear as one of the perks of the job. Once they’re properly spooked and running every which way, I crank up the slaughterhouse to 11.

MRFH: A lot of people see these movies as cursory examinations into the whole topic of predestination and free will. Would you like to comment?

GRIM REAPER: Hm. Let’s put it this way. If they are indeed predestined to die in a certain way on a certain day, then all the flailing about and silly monkey faces they make as they try to outrace me is just for show. I’ll let you examine my track record from these films – how many people make it to the end?

MRFH: Thanks for speaking with uURK!

GRIM REAPER: That’s one way to end an interview.

Tanning Beds: They'll burn you alive. Or give you skin cancer. Same result.

Intermission!

  • Cool as anything carnival-themed opening credits
  • “HIGH DIE” on the sign
  • I love rollercoasters, and this film still made me terrified of them
  • Um, how does he know from searching the mighty internet that the people who stepped off of flight 180 died in the order they would have on the plane.  Didn’t they all sort of blow up at once?
  • “Rollercoaster of Love” – in no way is that ironic
  • And that is why I’ll never use a tanning bed
  • Death can summon bursts of wind just to appear ominous
  • So why is she carrying a photo of the Twin Towers and Abraham Lincoln to a graveyard?  That’s like, taunting Death’s mom or something.
  • EVERYBODY knows Spongebob lives underwater
  • Nail gun a pigeon.  Nice.
  • It’s Super Whiny Girl!
  • Texas Battle is the actual name of a person?  What is WRONG with parents these days?
  • Yeah, you tell Ben Franklin!  About time somebody did.

Groovy Quotes

Kevin Fischer: It’s never better staying ignorant. Willful ignorance is surrending control.

Devil’s Voice: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You may NEVER return… from “Devil’s Flight”! Try not to scream! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Kevin Fischer: So what, is he going to get crushed by a giant Spongebob?
[pause]
Kevin Fischer: Spongebob lives underwater!
Wendy Christensen: It is so sad you know that!

Ian McKinley: Ok. Let’s go with what you guys are saying: let’s just say, you know, that Death does have a conscious plan, and that it’s been set into motion. Great. So, Newton’s Third Law of Motion and well, look, I’m just guessing that it goes for Death, too, when he’s working in our world. Newton says that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So, that means that if Death has taken action, so can we. And that that action may thwart Death’s intent.

Subway Performer: [singing] There is someone, walking behind you. Turn around, look at me. There is someone, watching your footsteps…

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5 Comments

  1. Pingback: Justin does Final Destination 2 « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

  2. Pingback: Final Destination [retro review] « Mutant Reviewers From Hell

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