The Scoop: 2003 R, directed by David R. Ellis and starring Ali Larter, A.J. Cook and Michael Landes
Tagline: For every beginning there is an end.
Summary Capsule: There are people. They will die. This is all you need to know.
Justin’s Rating: Better than death by Spongebob Squarepants… I guess.
Justin’s Review: Things we learn about death from the Final Destination films: he doesn’t only want to kill you, but when you miss your appointment with the Grim Reaper, he’s ticked. He wants to mess with you. And it’s going to pull out more fake scares before doing the dirty deed than Michael Myers, Leatherface, Freddy and Jason combined. What else? Death grooves to the tune “Rocky Mountain High”. Oh, and let’s not forget that death kills people in a specific order, according to some sort of “To Do” list, so it’s very likely that Death is a girl.
It’s no great surprise that an existential catfight breaks out when a living human girl, A.J., has a premonition that a horrible highway pileup will happen and takes a quick step to avoid it – in the process, saving a bunch of other suckers. Death goes “Uh UH, no you did-NT” and A.J. goes “I so did, whatcha gonna do about it, cry to your momma?” and then Death sulks and decides that going after the survivors, one by one, is far more entertaining.
Death is apparently unable to stymie a padded cell in a psych ward, however, which is where the last survivor of Flight 180 resides. Hey, it’s Ali Larter! Hi Ali, how’s it feel to be the Final Girl who most likely won’t be the Final Girl this time around? Oh, not so good. Sorry to hear that. A.J. goes to seek her advice, which, as you might expect, isn’t sunshine and great news. It’s more of the “DOOOOM!” variety, but they’re not picky when it comes to combating Death.
Really, how does one do that? I don’t see anyone leaping with a vorpil blade into the maw of hell to hack the head off the ferryman at the River Styx. The best thing that Final Destination 2 can come up with is to revisit the Candyman who gives them a half-hearted speech about how “new life” can replace a death. Perhaps Death would also be satisfied with a Mars bar?
What I want to know, and what is never explained, is why the lead characters in these films get these life-saving premonitions in the first place. If Death is supposed to be a real, anthropomorphic force at work in all these elaborately staged one-act plays, then who’s on the other end of the spectrum? Is there a supernatural power at work in these films that wants to give life a fighting chance? Where are all these signs coming from?
Ah, well, enough intelligent thought. Enjoy watching people die without knowing exactly how it’s going to happen until it does. That’s kind of like real life, I suppose.
- So is this a special highway for drivers and vehicles that are particularly death-prone?
- Looking at the way these cars explode, they all have to be nuclear-powered
- …brought to you by iMac
- This kid is a really disgusting cook
- The magnet falls off the fridge to spell “EYE”
- She smokes while treadmilling? Neat-o.
- In a horror movie? Might as well read a Stephen King novel while you’re at it.
- He’s practically sitting straight up in the dentist chair. Most dentists I know will have you flat on your back when doing any sort of work.
- I love it when my dentist is the jumpy sort
- This is a great mortuary – stone walls, fog, random furnaces lighting up
- “For every life there is a death, for every death there is a life” – geez, he’s going to start singing the Lion King, isn’t he?
- Hey it’s a literal mouse trap!
- It’s Coincidence City! And also the most morbid car ride ever.
Kimberly Corman: If Clear was right, that means Nora and Tim are going to be killed by pigeons!
Clear Rivers: You told me Death has a distinct design. But Alex and I cheated Death, not once but dozens of times. The design is flawed, it can be beaten.
William Bludworth: Such fire in you now. People are always most alive just before they die. Don’t you think?
William Bludworth: Only new life can defeat Death.
Burke: What the hell does that mean?
Kat: [while being freed by a Rescue Worker using the jaws of life] Could you be a little quieter with that thing, please?
Rescue Worker: Yeah, sure… I’ll just put it on ‘quiet mode.’
Kat: That would be good.
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