“Do you smell that? It smells like death and fungus. It’s vampire BO.”
The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by P.J. Pesce and starring Tad Hilgenbrink, Angus Sutherland, Autumn Reeser and Corey Feldman.
Tagline: Never grow old. Never die. Never know fear again.
Summary Capsule: Two siblings move to a California coast town and encounter some less-than-laid-buck surfer dudes.
Heather’s Rating: More fun than a barrel full of nonexistent monkeys.
Heather’s Review: Before the discovery of Netflix, my husband and I made many ill-fated trips to the local movie rental cesspool-I mean-chain store. Over the course of a couple of weeks we discovered that the “video” store was a sham and that any journey through its cold, fluorescent aisles would yield not film favorites or even goofy, harmless fun but cinematic turds that, once inserted into your DVD player, would stink up your entire home and make you feel as if you need to take a three-hour hot bath to scrub off your epidermis afterward.
On one particularly upsetting slog through the plastic-cased sewage that the store laughingly called a “selection”, husband and I found that Lost Boys was completely absent. Not rented, mind you. Not misplaced or damaged. The store had never owned a copy. Oh, but they lovingly adorned their horror section with Lost Boys: The Tribe, permeating the aisles with its straight-to-video funk.
Lost Boys: Aboriginals comes twenty years after the beloved 80’s vampire film to offer the audience absolutely nothing new or interesting to the story. Instead it chooses to beat us over the head with references to its predecessor that it hopes are sly and homage to the classic tale, but the end result is about as sly and subtle as a vaudeville act and as flattering as a 300-lb half-naked sax player in hot pants.
Outdated theater references aside, Lost Boys: Cherokee Warriors executes (in every sense of the word) a plot that mirrors the original and just plays switcheroo with the details, hoping that we won’t notice or that, if we do notice, we’ll be too busy riding the wave of eighties nostalgia to give in to the desire to take a sledgehammer to this piece of film feces. Instead of two brothers moving to a new town to live with a relative it’s a brother and sister. The move, originally necessitated by the tragedy of divorce is now one-upped with the tragedy of the parents dying in a car crash. The resident family member is an aunt now instead of a grandfather. Our biker gang of vampires is now a “tribe” of surfers, supposedly because being a biker isn’t “X-Treme” enough for the 2000’s. If you’ve seen the original you know exactly how the plot goes. Even the tagline is an almost word-for-word recreation of the first. Just plug in the necessary changes you have no need to expose yourself to this movie manure.
Please don’t watch it. I beg you. An ear-stabbingly bad remake of “Cry Little Sister” is played over the sister’s squirm-inducing sex scene. Look those lyrics up, if you don’t remember them, and tell me you’d want to have that image burned in your brain.
Still thinking about watching it? Really? Look, I didn’t want to do this, but I warned you…..
- Corey Feldman and Corey Haim are the only two original Lost Boys castmembers to return for the sequel. That being the case, I have watched this exercise in entertainment excrement thrice and still can’t find Haim anywhere. Via extensive research (Googling his name and the movie title and reading the first couple of results) I’m led to believe that Haim was unable to meet requirements for his performance, due to personal issues and addictions and that his scenes had to be deleted.
Edgar Frog: I’m Edgar Frog, surfboard shaper and vampire hunter.
Edgar Frog: Your sister’s a suck monkey.
Nicole Emerson: I tried to eat that guy. Do you realize that? Do you know what it’s like for me to want to drink blood? Do you know how disgusting that is? I’m a vegetarian!
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