This seems to be a relatively recent development – it didn’t appear, to my knowledge, ‘til round about the early ‘90’s. However, when it hit, it hit hard. There are at least ten Disney films that have gotten this treatment, and some of them have gotten it more than once – adaptation of The Jungle Book, for instance, has resulted in both TaleSpin (a debatable example, but many of the characters are clearly named and patterned after ones in the film) and Jungle Cubs (which gives the characters the ‘Muppet Babies’ treatment).

Despite the obvious fact that they are inspired solely by a desire for the mighty dollar, some of these cartoons turn out to be pretty fun. I was pretty much obsessed with The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh for a good chunk of my childhood, for example (expect a review of it one of these days), and the Aladdin show is regarded by many as a bit of a classic. These things can work, even if their whole reason for existence is to make a quick buck.

So without further ado, I present my Top Five Disney Films that should get TV spinoffs (and what I’d do with ‘em).

A few ground rules first – I am restricting my choices to the animated films, as opposed to Disney’s live-action efforts (which tend to be a bit spotty, anyway). I’m also excluding those that have already gotten shows of their own, as well as the Pixar films (not that several of the latter don’t deserve shows – an Incredibles show, for instance, would be great – but they’re not really Disney, so they don’t apply here). And as always, these are in no particular order.

#5: The Great Mouse Detective

The film: In Victorian London, Basil of Baker Street, the mouse version of a certain famous detective, battles evil in the form of the nefarious Professor Ratigan, while accompanied by his friend and sidekick Dr. Dawson.

The pitch: The main strength of GMD, it is generally agreed, is its cast of characters, and personally I think they would lend themselves well to a series. The fact that Basil is first and foremost a Sherlock Holmes expy gives you your basic framework right there – do adaptations of the original Conan Doyle stories, mixed in with original tales of derring-do in the shadowy London streets. Basil is, after all, a detective, and a detective is never shy of cases to solve or enemies to outwit (provided, of course, by Ratigan and his various ne’er-do-wells).

However, it wouldn’t be just another version of Holmes. Remember, this is set in the miniaturized world of mice and similar tiny creatures, which opens up all sorts of potential for exciting chases and battles of the sort that made the original so gripping. Furthermore, there are some dynamic story possibilities present in the form of the Flavershams, father and daughter. If you expanded the role of the former from toymaker to generalized inventor, he could be the Q to Basil’s James Bond, outfitting him with all sorts of improbable gadgets reverse-engineered from period technology. This would allow a steampunk element to creep in, along with the humorous consequences of the occasional misfiring prototype. Meanwhile, his daughter Olivia would be ever-eager to tag along on Basil’s cases, bringing him no end of frustration while at the same time allowing him to indulge his softer side by playing ‘Uncle Basil’, a thing that he would secretly enjoy (although he’d never admit it).

This is not to say that the transition would be perfect. The darker, more adult side of the movie would inevitably get toned down a bit (Basil’s pipe, for instance, would likely vanish altogether – that or he’d replace it with a bubble pipe or some such). Overall, though, I’d say Great Mouse Detective could make for a thoroughly enjoyable series, introducing younger viewers to the world of Sherlock Holmes while providing plenty of action, adventure and humor that would appeal to all ages. Don’t you think I’m right? I think I’m right.

#4: The Three Caballeros

The film: Donald Duck hangs around two other anthropomorphic birds and lots and lots of weird stuff happens.

The pitch: OK, I plan to review this movie before too very long, so you’ll pardon me if I’m a little… scant on the description. I’m savin’ it for later. Suffice it to say, The Three Caballeros is not a film that leaves many plots waiting to be continued. Basically, the Caballeros in question are Donald, a Brazilian parrot by the name of Jose Carioca, and Panchito, a Mexican rooster, and they… well… do stuff. Details to be found at a later date.

So if the movie is not one that inherently screams ‘adapt me!’, why am I putting it on this list?

Well, there’s this:

And while we’re at it, this:

Basically, the Three Cabs have great chemistry together, and while I enjoyed it in the movie as well, said enjoyment was kicked up a notch when I encountered the two comic book stories that feature them (three, if you count the movie adaptation). In the right hands, the trio are a key to pure undiluted adventure, with a healthy dose of fun mixed in. (If you’re interested in reading the rest of this comic, as well as its predecessor, go here:

http://disneycomics.free.fr/index.php

I haven’t linked directly to them, but they’re easy enough to find if you snoop around a bit. Look in the Don Rosa section.)

Besides, the fact that the Cabs are a bit of a blank slate plot-wise leaves things open for a somewhat more traditional Disney TV show in the vein of Ducktales. In fact, the concept I have in mind is more or less a sequel to Ducktales, taking place after Donald has left the Navy. What is that concept? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED!

Here’s what it is – the Caballeros are a singing group who travel the world, going on tour and getting in lots of adventures in the process. Their travels are bankrolled by Scrooge McDuck, who in turn expects them to be his agents in the field whenever one of his foreign businesses needs to be rescued from crooks – and is constantly exasperated by the amount of expenses the three inevitably wind up incurring in the process. They frequently cross swords with classic Disney bad guy the Phantom Blot (why? ‘Cause he’s one of my favorite characters, that’s why!), whose plots they inevitably foil.

The idea is to make the show reflect the evolution that the characters have gone through in the comics. Comics-Donald is far from the brash hothead depicted in the classic shorts – he has that side to him, true, but he also has a heroic, adventurous side that would shine through here. Similarly, Jose Carioca is a fairly big name in Brazilian comics, and we’d get to see a little bit of the evolution his character has gone through in those.

As you can probably tell, I’ve put a fair amount of thought into this one. In fact, it’s this idea that more or less gave me the inspiration for this article – I’ve been turning it over in my head for quite a while now. So whaddaya think? You like?

#3: Robin Hood

The film: In a version of Merrie Olde England populated by cartoon animals, Robin Hood does what he does best – rob from the rich, give to the poor, and tweak the nose of that mean ol’ Prince John.

The pitch: The things about the Disney Robin Hood that make it perfectly suited to TV adaptation (to my mind, anyway) are its open-endedness and relaxed story structure. Most transitions from plot point to plot point go something like this – the first scene ends, then we shift to somewhere else with the Rooster going “yep, Prince John sure was mad about that,” or the like. We never find out just how much time has passed in the meantime, and that is an ideal hook for a series – all you’ve got to do is extend the movie’s general situation indefinitely, and you’ve got room for an endless amount of tales involving our vulpine rogue.

Mind you, while you could just leave it at that, there’s also room for a good deal more. Like GMD, Robin Hood has an inherent advantage series-wise in that it is based on, well, the Robin Hood stories, which are A: a rich source of material to draw from in terms of plots, and B: full of all sorts of characters that could expand Robin’s supporting cast. I mean, we never got to see, say, Much the Miller’s Son in the movie, or Will Scarlet, or any number of other Merry Men that could be introduced into the general cast. And then there are the villains – sure, Prince John and Sir Hiss would obviously be constants, but there’s also characters such as Sir Guy of Gisborne. He’s often seen as a sort of rival to Robin Hood, so perhaps he could be a gray fox in contrast to Robin’s red. And then there’s greedy abbots, haughty noblemen, etc. For that matter, it seems to have become a tradition in recent years to include a Muslim in the Merries, often one who starts out as a villain but sees the light and joins Robin in his fight against injustice. This would be a nice touch of diversity, and allow a slightly more exotic sort of animal than the usual Euro-American or African ones – a jackal, perhaps.

Basically, Robin Hood is essentially a snippet of a series as it already stands, and could easily be extended into a TV format without straining disbelief in the slightest. There have already been plenty of other shows featuring Robin, and this one would feature a good deal more fun in the general mix than we’ve often seen, countering the recent obsession with period stories being all drab and gray and historical. Bring on the swashbuckling and the wisecracks! It can be done, Disney; heed my words!

#2: The Rescuers/Rescuers Down Under

The movie: Deep in the bowels of the UN Building there is a similarly international gathering; a group of mice from all over the world. This is the Rescue Aid Society, and their mission is to aid those in need – in most cases, human children. The everymouse Bernard and elegant Miss Bianca are two of the Society’s agents, and they form the titular duo.

The pitch: Actually, I’m fairly certain that at one point Disney really did have plans to feature the Rescuers in their own show. Why they ultimately chose to shelve them is beyond me, because honestly, have you ever heard of a concept more tailor-made for a series?

Think about this. The Rescuers have the same reason for regularly getting into danger as a policeman or fireman does – it’s their job. Just as the protagonist of a cop show can generally be counted on to bust crooks, the Rescuers can be counted on to rescue people. Said people needn’t have anything to do with each other – or, in other words, there doesn’t need to be any particular theme to the rescues; they just have to be carried out. You can therefore have a bunch of different rescues in rapid succession that needn’t be related in any way and can be set anywhere in pretty much any circumstances – what could be better for a series? Disney clearly understood this principle, as it’s basically the reasoning behind Rescuers Down Under – and, if you want to go back to the source material, the reasoning behind the series of books by Margery Sharp (which are pretty good, incidentally, if you have an appreciation for older children’s literature).

So why’d they back out? Beats me. It’s never too late for them to change their minds, though, and I kind of wish they would, because seriously, Rescuers would make for an awesome series. Take the same basic concept as Great Mouse Detective, plonk it down in a modern-day setting and replace mystery with international adventure, and you’d have a rough blueprint for what the Rescuers series would be like. Just put Bernard and Miss Bianca into repeated situations where they need to go rescue someone, and the series practically writes itself. (They needn’t always be rescuing human children, either – mix it up a little bit. They could rescue kids, adults, stray pets, lab rats, you name it.)

There would have to be a few changes, of course. Bernard would need to be made a little more assertive and sure of himself, and they’d need a bit more of a supporting cast – maybe some of the other Society agents could team up with them once in a while. Other than that? Smooth sailing.

#1: The Princess and the Frog

The film: Set in Jazz-age New Orleans, the film stars Tiana, a young waitress wanting to start her own restaurant, and Prince Naveen, a penniless member of the Maldonian royal family who’s out to replenish his fortunes through marriage to a rich heiress. They both get turned into frogs (long story), and have to get themselves turned back into humans again while avoiding the clutches of the evil Dr. Facilier and coming to grips with their mutual attraction for each other.

The pitch: This one, admittedly, would be a tad more sedate than the others on this list, as the basic concept doesn’t really lend itself to high adventure. But that’s not bad – there’s room in this world for other types of entertainment; not everything has to be adventurous.

The Princess and the Frog Show would have to be set just following the movie, after (spoilers – sorta; this is a Disney flick) Tiana and Naveen have settled down to run the restaurant, which provides a good launching point for wacky shenanigans – after all, lots of people go in and out of a restaurant every day, yes? Some of them the sorts of people who might kick off a plot, yes? Especially since (and here is where my own ideas kick in) both of them are suffering residual effects from Facilier’s spell, so that whenever either of them gets kissed by anyone other than their paramour – bam! They’re back to being slimy and green again, and only a kiss by the other one will return them to their normal selves. And naturally, they constantly encounter people who want to kiss ‘em – over-affectionate relatives, flirtatious flappers, ebullient French diplomats, etc. And, equally naturally, Facilier’s (somehow) back to plague them, so they have to deal with his various schemings as well. Gosh, how tough the life of a restauranteur can be!

This would provide the supporting cast as well – I mean, they can’t be running the place all by themselves; they’ve got to have cooks and waitresses and whatnot. Not to mention, of course, Tiana’s ditzy friend Charlotte and an assortment of swamp critters from the bayou. And if even those don’t suffice, hey, it’s New Orleans – I think having it set in the middle of a city should provide more than enough colorful characters.

Really, I think PatF would make for an interesting change, since we haven’t really had any Disney shows about the life of a young couple in love. They’re mostly about kids, or characters who are technically grown-ups but have nothing but the vaguest possible versions of romantic relationships – a more mature version of things would make for a nice change. Of course, to draw in boys as well as girls you’d want to avoid emphasizing the lovey-dovey aspect as much as possible, but that could be done – treat them as really good friends who just happen to be married, which is more or less what an ideal marriage is anyway. (The fact that it’s also an interracial marriage is icing on the cake.) They’re a sort of Odd Couple, really – Naveen is carefree and fun-loving, while Tiana is practical and a workaholic. Let the characters bounce off each other the way they did in the movie, and you’d have a classic situation comedy, only with bouts of voodoo and 1920’s culture thrown into the mix. Seriously, doesn’t that sound cool? I’d watch it.

The Scoop: 1988 R, directed by Katsuhiro Otomo and starring Mitsuo Iwata, Nozomu Sasaki, Mami Koyama and Tessho Genda

Tagline: Neo-Tokyo is about to E.X.P.L.O.D.E.

Summary Capsule: Neo-Tokyo falls under attacks as rival motorcycle gangs meet their match in a telekenetic young ‘un.

Justin’s Rating: Can Justin review a movie he saw three years ago? SURE!

Justin’s Review: This review is brought to you by the Why Not Be A Guy? campaign. In our continuing coverage of why guy movies are pretty freakin’ cool, we bring you the 80′s cult animated classic, Akira. It’s the timeless tale of Tokyo after a radioactive makeover, where kids speed around on high-tech motorcycles and spout stuff either in horribly dubbed English or subtitled Japanese. Obviously, the foreign language programs in the future still leave much to be desired.

The plot goes basically like this: there’s a top-secret government project, code-named “Akira”, that gets out and into this wimpy kid. As we all well know, from studying Carrie, rejected nerds with telekenetic abilities do not use their powers just for cleaning litter on the highways. So this telekenetic nerd battles it out with his best friend (a motorcycle racer) and there’s a lot of blood. That’s it, I’ve told you everything in the movie you’ll be able to get out of it anyway.

The reason Akira is such a cult hit is that the animation is about the best you’ll ever see. The Japanese are pretty good at this sort of thing, and it makes a world of difference when comparing a fully-produced Japanese anime against your average Saturday morning cartoon (do they even HAVE Saturday morning cartoons anymore?). The action is vivid, although some scenes contain what we movie critics call “gooshy” violence. There’s also one scene of brief female nudity, but in comparison to most Japanese animes, this is practically rated G in that department. It’s always the quiet ones…

I enjoyed this movie, although the plot and ending were both drawn out and convoluted. We think our American villains talk a lot before delivering the death stroke? Well, the Japanese like to re-enact the Lincoln-Douglas debates between spurts of action. It’s off-putting, but that’s what the FF button is there for. If you love great anime, then this film is a must.

Poolman’s Rating: I shudder to think what this movie would be like to watch stoned.

Poolman’s Review: It’s all about baby steps, learning new things. Despite my longstanding appreciation of the obviously obsessive quality of Japanese animation, I’ve never really been one to leap into the genre. I took in Princess Mononoke largely due to the North American hype that surrounded its release stateside, and I’ve caught the odd special on Teletoon, but I’ve been slow to test the waters. So caught on a Friday night with the same buddy who forced me into Gale Force not too long ago (Remind me to sabotage his wedding. I’m his best man, so it’ll be easy.), we picked something not only well known and established as a cult flick, it would serve as another insight into what would happen if the world ended and the Japanese ran everything.

I’ll begin with a little disclaimer. The clerk at the video store obviously knew Akira pretty well, because he sneered at our choice of the “redubbed version”. I don’t know what this means, and I don’t know how it relates to the original. I just know that once again, the term voice “acting” is a very liberal claim indeed.

So finally, into the movie. Justin did do a great job of summing the whole thing up. A bunch of kids in a motorcycle gang get mixed up in an rescue attempt of one of three (or more, I’m not entirely sure) psychic children from a government facility. When Tatsuo is injured in an accident caused by the freed child, he is taken back (with the freaky little blue dude) and subjected to a new round of tests and experiments. The end result is a psychic being with the uncontrolled power of a god and a flare for dramatic dress.

True to anime form (my other experience lies in Ghost in the Shell and Ninja Scroll), this movie is damned confusing. Despite minutes at a time of on and on diatribes on the power of Akira, governmental structures and betrayals, and souped up motorcycles, I never felt like I had a really firm grasp of what was going on. Multiple viewings would probably help, and I’m sure there are die-hards who’ve seen this dozens of times yelling at me through the screen right now, but I lost count of how many times me and my friend looked at each other and exchanged a silent “huh?”. But there’s plenty of action and gore here, if that’s your thing. Personally, the scene where Tetsuo hallucinates all his organs falling onto the floor and tries to scoop them back up into himself was really disturbing, but appropriate to the story and character.

Akira‘s a hell of a show. But just like the genre it exemplifies, it’s an acquired taste, and one that doesn’t come too easily. It’s absolutely worth your time in terms of quality and cult history, but don’t be too surprised if you come out wondering what just happened.

Great for the ego, great for the suspension.

Intermission!

• Michael Jackson fans (are there any actually left?) will recognize the scene where Tetsuo learns to fly from the video for “Scream”
• After Tetsuo cuts his feet in the hospital, they are briefly bandaged, but the bandages quickly disappear during the following scene.
• The technician in Akira’s storage facility announces that the temperature is at normal, 0.5 degrees Kelvin. That’s more than 270 degrees (Kelvin or Centigrade) below freezing, and just above the impossible theoretical lower limit of 0 Kelvin. Wouldn’t you want more than a heavy coat in that?
• Speaking as a Canadian, it’s distracting as hell everytime a character yells the name “Kaneda”. It sounds almost exactly like “Canada”.
• The small, shifty man with the large incisors is named Nezu, which means “rat.”
• Where is she now? By “she”, I mean the ever famous Tarô Arakawa, who played the unforgettable role of Watanabe in this movie. Come to think of it, she could be a he. I don’t know. But famous nonetheless.
• Akira was one of the first Japanese animes that recorded dialog first and animated its characters to match, instead of vice versa.
• Akira originally appeared as a comic book in December of 1982 in the Young Magazine anthology. The series of comic books sold over 3 million copies which made it one of the top sellers of all time. The series and later graphic novel gained even more popularity with audiences in the United States when it was translated and released by Marvel Comics.
• A neat opening interface featuring all the different motorcycles seen in the movie greets you when you put the DVD in the player. Past that, there’s a neat “spot the capsule” feature where you can hit Enter on your remote and pick up info on the movie, but I found the capsules to be a little too rare.

Groovy Quotes:

Kei: Amoebas don’t build houses and bridges, they only eat.

Kei: Amoebas don’t make motorcycles and atomic bombs!

Kaneda: It must be a trap.
Kei: Then go back.
Kaneda: I must find out what kind of trap.

[Inside the capsule bar]
Boy: Hey, dont take that stuff, it’ll stunt your growth!
Bartender: Hey, why dont you get outta here, ya punk! You’ll scare the customers!
Boy: Then I wont tell him what’s in it, huh?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Ghost In The Shell
• Princess Mononoke
• Macross Saga

“Anything, anywhere, any time. That’s our motto.”

The Scoop: 1990 R, directed by Roger Spottiswoode and starring Mel Gibson, Robert Downey Jr., Nancy Travis and Burt Kwoulk

Tagline: The Few. The Proud. The Totally Insane.

Summary Capsule: Gung-ho pilots forge the uncharted territories of Laos to form the first McDonald’s in the country.

Justin’s Rating: Let’s just pull out of this tailspin now, shall we?

Justin’s Review: Trying to break into the overcrowded field of Vietnam comedy movies is about as easy as slipping on a tube top and grinding to your own lip-synched lyrics in order to get a spot on MTV. But Mel “Gallipoli” Gibson and Robert “Live from a Prison Near You” Downey Jr. give it their best shot. Good for them, I say. Keep the world laughing through an intensely bloody military conflict… ahhh.

Air America is the story of two men, their joysticks, and a few thousand miles of pure unadulterated rice patty fields. Like Nebraska, except here the rednecks shoot at you. With higher caliber guns, at least. Set in Laos in the late 60s, Air America is the unofficial plane escort outfit that ships weapons, food and everything else under the sun to the “good” guys. Gene (Gibson) is the experienced pilot, sticking with the outfit just to further his own plans for profit and security. Billy (Downey Jr.) is the brash rookie with Han Solo flying skills and a general gullibility about the war.

Air America would have you believe that it’s the next generation of M*A*S*H. The American pilots (strictly civilians) scoff at the U.S. Military Intelligence officers who constantly put them in harm’s way. The movie is funniest when it’s a battle of wits between the witless and the Air Warrior. Few actors have the talent to ramble a torrent of jokes while keeping a mostly straight face like Gibson can. He reprises the wisecracking slightly-crazy man routine from his Lethal Weapon roles, and there’s nothing to complain about there.

There’s a number of flying sequences that evoke vivid images of Top Gun, as long as you substitute big bulky cargo prop planes for sleek jets armed with missiles and cannons. Whee. I am in flavor country now.

The comedy is good and strong, like a female wrestler with a goblet of deep red wine, but Air America does falter when it comes to injecting the more serious aspects of war. I want to laugh, but it’s no longer funny. This dramedy mix isn’t as effective as M*A*S*H, because Air America’s characters actually start to care by the film’s end and lose most of their irreverence. I’m not sure what kind of unique statement that AA is trying to make… perhaps that the rogue smuggling American civvie is much more honorable than the dedicated military officer.

So while Air America is not my major religion or anything, it’s a cheeky enough watch to make it into my VCR every now and then. If only to remind myself what Robert Downey Jr. looked like before the orange jumpsuit..

This picture just makes me happy.

Intermission!

• Airlifting pigs… why didn’t anyone think of this before?
• Oh come on… big bad pilots doing coloring books in the middle of high-adventure flying… that’s comedy!
• When Gene and Billy jump out of the helicopter, the landing mat is visible under the brush.
• Air America spawned a spin-off of the same name in 1998, which barely lasted a few episodes.

Groovy Quotes:

Gene: [on a mini putt-putt course] A little taste of the states… you feel better?
Billy: Yeah, everything’s back to normal now.

Billy: Is that an Uzi?
Gene: Hey, you know, that would make a great TV commercial. Excuse me, is that an Uzi? Why yes it is. Self defense is no laughing matter. That’s why I pack the number one submachine gun, an Uzi. Accept no substitutes.

Rob: Gene, is he dead?
Gene: Well Rob, if he’s not dead, then he’s very, very calm.

Gene: Anything, anywhere, any time. That’s our motto.

Gene: Here at Air America, what’s considered psychotic behavior anywhere else is company policy.

Gene: Why don’t you go home huh? Look at me, look at Neely, we’re all a bunch of trouble junkies, we’ve been mainlining danger and adrenaline for so long nothing else gets us off, it’s kind a sick. Before you pick up the habit and you will pick up the habit. Go back to L.A. and be the weirdest guy in the room again. Whaddya you think?

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Good Morning, Vietnam
• M*A*S*H
• Lethal Weapon

The Scoop: 1971 G, directed by Peter Sander and starring Paul Hecht and Charles Aznavour.

Tagline: None.

Summary Capsule: It’s about a giant who is selfish, and learns that this is not necessarily a good thing. 

Deneb’s Rating: 3 ½ flowering trees out of five.

Deneb’s Review: Yes, your eyes do not deceive you – here, at last, is another installment of Tales from the VHS! My apologies for taking so long between segments, but hey, there’s only so many of these that I can do, and I want to spin them out a bit – and when you start that sort of spinning, it’s sometimes difficult to stop.

Anyway. This time, I have something to share with you that I have decidedly mixed feelings about. It was a special part of my childhood, and will always have a place in my heart – and yet, there was a period of a number of years during which I actively avoided it.

Why? Well, we’ll get to that. In the meantime – ladies, gentlemen, farm animals, I present to you The Selfish Giant.

The story is based on a tale by Oscar Wilde, and is really pretty simple. Somewhere in the (presumably) English countryside lives a giant, who, like most giants, resides in a castle. This castle has a beautiful garden surrounding it, with many flowers and trees that blossom in the spring. As it’s situated close to a small village, the local children have taken to playing in it after school, climbing the trees, listening to the birdsong, and generally having a good time.

The thing is, though, they’re only able to do this because the giant in question (who’s never named, he’s just “the giant”) is not currently in residence. He’s away visiting a friend, but one day he comes back, and is not pleased at all to see his private garden being frolicked in by children. You see, he’s a selfish sort, and prefers to keep the place to himself.

So he cannibalizes part of the castle for stones (this is not, I think, in the original, but it’s a prominent part of this version), and builds a high wall around the garden. He then hangs a sign on the gate reading “Trespassers will be Prosecuted”. In other words, “keep out, you little nits! This is my garden, so there!” And it works – no more children invade his privacy.

The thing is, though, there are disadvantages to this solitude. The garden itself has become accustomed to being played in, and as time passes and winter turns to spring, inside the walls it remains winter. The trees and flowers just can’t muster up the get-and-go to bloom as long as the children are being kept out.

This is bad enough in and of itself, but now things get still worse. The personifications of Snow and Frost, seeing that in this one place spring never comes, gleefully decide to take up permanent residence within the garden – and while they’re at it, they may as well invite their friends the Hail and the North Wind to stay for a while. Soon they’re all having a merry old time, and as far as they’re concerned, things can stay this way forever! Winter party! Wheee!

The giant, though, is not enjoying himself at all. As the seasons shift outside his garden and his castle starts falling to bits through the Hail dancing on top of it, he grows steadily colder, more miserable, and more bewildered at how infernally long this winter is turning out to be. All he can do is hope that it will end soon. But how can it end, when the only way to end it is for the children to return, and the only way they can return is through the abolition of the wall and the sign? Hmm…

All right, let’s start with the good stuff, for good stuff there is. The Selfish Giant is a beautifully made little film – and I say “little” intentionally, because it only runs about twenty-five minutes. There’s little actual dialogue, and that is delivered by the film’s narrator, Paul Hecht (Charles Aznavour in the French version), who does quite a good job of switching voices, tones, etc., as the film demands. As someone who’s taken a few classes in such techniques, I can attest that it’s quite a quality performance, and carries the brunt of the narrative very well.

He’s helped out in this by the music, which is terrific stuff. The basic score is orchestral, but used very cleverly to highlight the action and serve as sound effects. When the giant is first entering the garden after having been away, for example, it launches into this combination of what I’m guessing are a tuba and bass drum that bring a terrific feeling of approaching menace, approximating the giant’s thunderous footfalls and giving you a good sense of just how big this guy is. Also there are a couple of very nice songs that, while not catchy in the traditional sense, will definitely stick in your head like a burr to a sock – not something you can often say about choral music.

But of course, this isn’t an audio book – how’s the animation? The animation would like to let you know that it is fine, thanks. In fact, it’s rather beautiful. It’s not exactly the lush, Disney-esque sort of animation you’d get from a big-budget studio, but neither is it the more limited sort of style common on TV at the time – it’s somewhere in between. It’s simple but fluid, with an overall look that reminds me of a finely-rendered picture book brought to life.

So it sounds great, it looks great – what about the characters? Well, the only real characters are the giant himself and the quartet of winter personifications. (There are the children, of course, but they don’t have much in the way of individual characteristics.) This is rather interesting, actually, as all of the above could be viewed as villains, but none of them actually are. The giant is a bit of a jerk when he drives off the kids, but most of the film is told from his viewpoint, and you wind up sympathizing with the big lug quite a bit, especially as he inevitably mellows out near the end. After all, the only thing the guy’s actually guilty of is wanting a bit of privacy – if he’d just been a bit more polite about it, the whole mess could have been avoided.

Speaking of which, while the giant may have been the main character, to my mind the four wintery types are the real scene-stealers. I love these guys – sure, they’re causing the poor giant a lot of grief (although it’s all his fault, of course), but they’re all having so much fun. They’re just dancing around, doing their thing, frolicking in their own private little winter wonderland. And their designs are perfect – I won’t go into all of them, but the Hail in particular is pretty much exactly what the personification of hail should look like. He’s a guy in a suit of armor who tap-dances on your roof – fits pretty well, wouldn’t you say? To this day, whenever I anthropomorphize inclement weather, I tend to think of these guys first.

OK, so if there are all these things about The Selfish Giant that I like, and it’s a cherished memory from my childhood, and so on and so forth, then why did I not watch it for years on end? Why the mixed feelings? Why not simple embrace it?

Well, there’s the rub. The thing about this is that it may very well just be me that takes issue with the thing in question, and I don’t want to make any blanket statements about it that might turn away potential viewers. I overall like it a hell of a lot, and I would be perfectly willing to recommend it unconditionally, if it weren’t for… well… this one little thing. (Note to those who dislike people venting their personal opinions in movie reviews: you may wish to skip the next part, because I’m sorry, there’s no way to avoid this and still make it an honest review – I am about to go off into a rant. You’ve been warned.)

Said one little thing is the ending. I’m not going to give it away, but suffice it to say that The Selfish Giant ends on a decidedly religious, specifically a Christian, note.

Now, I wouldn’t really have had a problem with this if such themes had been prevalent throughout the whole film (although admittedly, I probably wouldn’t have watched it in the first place had that been the case), but that’s the thing – they aren’t. It’s sort of foreshadowed a bit earlier on, but there is nothing – nothing – up to that point that suggests that such a message is being led up to or, indeed, is needed or relevant in any way. For the vast majority of its running time, The Selfish Giant’s theme is simple, universal, and really rather touching – “selfishness is bad, kindness and generosity are rewarded”, plus having a little fun with the forces of nature. And then all of a sudden, whack! The film hits you across the puss with a religious message, and if you’re anything like me you spend the final few minutes blinking and going ‘uh?’

Personally, I resent such tactics. I don’t like unsubtle stealth messages in my movies, especially not unsubtle stealth messages that appeal directly to a very specific audience. It gives one the feeling that you’ve watched the whole movie just for this one thing to be hammered home, despite the fact that it has virtually nothing to do with the rest of the film. You could take it out entirely and end the film a couple minutes earlier, and it would be just as effective, if not more.

So, yeah, I don’t like that sort of thing. I also don’t like being lectured or preached to, especially considering the fact that the film is basically aimed at kids, and I firmly believe that such things are the kiss of death for anything that hopes to attract a younger audience. When I was a tiny little kidlet myself the ending just sort of puzzled me, but it wasn’t too long afterwards that I realized what was going on, and I resented it. Moreover, I was offended by it. You might even say I felt betrayed. The rest of the movie is so good, and then hey, message time! Time for a bit of indoctrination, kids; gotta get this doctrine into your tender little brains! Even if I was a Christian myself (I’m not), I’m pretty sure I would have gotten mad about this, because dang it all, I don’t watch movies for that sort of thing. For that matter, I don’t know anyone who does – I mean, if you’ve already subscribed to the religion, you’ve already been given the message, and if you haven’t, you don’t want the message; at any rate, not like that. If you’re going to preach at me, be so good as to do so in a straightforward manner, don’t sucker-punch me with it when I’m least expecting it and have absolutely no reason to. That is rude, and bad storytelling, and, for that matter, no way to deliver any sort of religious philosophy, if such is your intention.

So as I started to understand the ending, I began to dislike it. And gradually the ending began to overshadow the rest of the film for me, until finally I took to avoiding The Selfish Giant entirely. This was not without some regret – I’d still hum the songs to myself every now and then; I’d still think wistfully of the rest of the story, but that damn ending – faaugh!

Mind you, having rewatched it with the benefit of years, I’m a bit more mature about the whole thing now. I know the ending’s there, and I can accept it as part of the film. But I can’t wholeheartedly enjoy The Selfish Giant in the way that I should be able to, because even now I can’t help but go “aw crap, here it comes” as its end approaches. It’s not exactly a fatal flaw, but it is a significant one, and one that I personally have never been able to entirely overlook.

Really, though, this is not necessarily the fault of the film itself – it’s an adaptation of an already-existing work, after all, and the original story ended that way, too. I can fault the filmmakers for the decision to leave the ending as is (would it really have been so hard to just excise or alter it a little bit, guys?), but I can’t fault them for unfaithfulness to the story. If the original Selfish Giant tale happens to be a favorite of yours, ending included, you will most likely have no problem with this adaptation of it.

And like I said, the particular reaction I had may very well just be me. Honestly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised. I mean, I do tend to have strong views on these subjects, and it’s quite possible that for more easygoing types, it’ll be a “water off a duck’s back” sort of viewing experience and leave them completely unruffled. And when all is said and done, I don’t wish to poison anyone against The Selfish Giant, or rail against it or anything. I really do like the majority of it quite a bit – it’s just that one little bit at the end that gets under my skin.

So because of that getting-under-my-skin bit, I can’t recommend The Selfish Giant as unreservedly as I’d normally like to. I do recommend it, however, because however many issues I may have with it, I will freely and gladly admit that it’s a good movie overall, and that there are, I’m sure, many, many people out there who would have no problem with such things at all. It is good, it is well-made, and watching it again was a nice little hit of nostalgia for me despite my reservations. If, while reading the first part of this review, you were going “hey, this sounds like something I’d like”, then it’s quite possible that you are completely correct, and will walk away from it going “man, I don’t know what that guy was going on about – that was great!” Or maybe you’ve already seen it, it was a childhood favorite for you too, and you can’t see why I’m getting so worked up over something that’s never bothered you in the slightest. If so, I couldn’t be happier for you. By all means, ignore my ranting and enjoy The Selfish Giant for the overall gem that it is.

But if the latter part has provoked some frowning and chin-stroking and “hmm – I don’t know”-ing to occur, then… well, make your own decision on the subject. But if you do decide to check it out, then you might just want to stop the movie a little early. Or at any rate, go in forewarned.

Thank you, and goodnight – or morning, or whatever. And if you’ve been distracted from your reading of this by some guy dancing on your roof in full plate armor, go out and lug a couple rocks at ‘im. That usually does the trick.

The giant looked at the stone and chuckled to himself. "You know," he mused, "someone once told me that falling stones in the mountains are a sign of avalanches, but as this is a CASTLE, naturally that'd just be silOWOWOUCHOUCHOUCH IT'S COMING DOOOOOWNN..."

Intermission!

• It was nominated for Best Animated Short.
• While the appearances of the four winter incarnations are all suggested by passages from the story, the Hail is the only one with a design that is a radical departure from it. Oscar Wilde merely described him as “dressed in grey”, from which it’s a bit of a leap to get to “wearing armor”.
•  The two songs are sung by the King’s Singers, a prominent a cappella group from Britain.

Groovy Quotes:

Narrator: After the seven years were over, he had said all that he had to say, for his conversation was limited…

Song lyric: You’re building a wall to surround yourself/You’re just building a wall to protect yourself/You’re just building a wall to defend yourself/but you’re building a wall/That will break your heart.

Narrator: The only people who were pleased were the Snow and the Frost. “Spring has forgotten this garden!” they cried. “So we will live here all the year round!”

Song lyric: You’re a fool if you think you can live/Your life without sharing sunshine and gladness/If you think you can live without love/You’re building a wall of sorrow and madness.

Narrator: “My own garden is my own garden,” said the giant. “Anyone can understand that. And I will allow nobody to play in it but myself.”

Song Lyric: Years go over/Years go over/And the pleasures of the past/Seem so empty/Oh so empty/But I’ve learned to love at last.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (‘70’s cartoon version)
• The Snow Queen (No particular adaptation in mind, but the story has some similarities in tone)

“Whenever you meet a beautiful woman, just remember somewhere there’s a man who’s sick of shagging her.”

The Scoop: 2004 R, directed by Charles Shyer and starring Jude Law, Jane Krakowski,

Tagline: What’s it all about?

Summary Capsule: Lecherously chauvinistic twit struggles with question of whether or not to remain an immoral weasly little dink, and can’t seem to decide on an answer.

Sue’s Rating: What it’s all about should be applied to your head with a baseball bat, Alfie.

Sue’s Review: Confession: As elderly as I am, I did not see (and have not yet seen) the original release of Alfie. It’s true, 1966 was before even my time. Absolutely the only connection between the original movie and myself that I will admit to is that I might possibly… possibly… own a CD of Burt Bacharach’s Greatest Hits with the theme song on it. If I did have such a thing, I’m sure I’d keep it between Bagpipe Christmas Classics and Evanescense, two slots down from Staind and three up from Ani DiFranco’s “Living In Clip” which would be across from Anne Murray or possibly Michael W. Smith. Make of that what you will. Let me know what you come up with.

Anyway, the movie. Obscenely beautiful Jude Law plays the schmoozily charming Alfie — a limousine driving British ex-pat who feels that his mission in life is to make the lovely women of New York City happy… by allowing them to make him happy. That rates at about .0000004 on Sue’s Logic Meter, but it seems to work for him. In fact, Alfie is so generous that he even rations a measured portion of charisma onto other deliberate targets — like the elderly woman who giggles happily and offers to clean his apartment for him just because he called her a sex-kitten or whatever. I nearly lost my popcorn in dramatic fashion right there and then.

The deal killer comes whenever any of Alfie’s ladies start making noises about commitment. (It doesn’t have to be a big noise, mind you. A wistful sigh is sufficient.) Then it’s bye-bye luv, bye-bye happiness. When mid-movie rolls around, there’s been a rather impressive swath of destruction left behind him. Then the worm begins to turn (what does that actually mean anyway?) and dear Alfie finds himself rejected and cast aside; a role that genuinely, genuinely mind you, hurts and bewilders him. This leads Sue to consider the man a super-deluxe dumba-ah, donkey. And poor Alfie feels compelled to start retracing his path in an apparent effort to validate, or re-ignite his appeal and maybe even to attempt a do-over somewhere back where the problem started. Kind of like you can do with the newer versions of Windows. What he discovers is that machismo purgatory hath no apathy like a woman unceremoniously dumped. Cry me a freakin’ river, Alfred.

The astute reader might have noticed that I haven’t exhibited much, (which is to say, any) sympathy for our poor hero’s plight. This would be correct. When it comes to this sort of behavior, I am just about as tolerant and good-natured as a fighting bull faced with a colorful array of rodeo clowns all singing “Mandy”.

Now, I did think about this a bit. Never let it be said that I can’t see both sides of an issue before I point my finger and snicker cruelly at the idiot on the opposing side. Alfie never married, never made promises, had no specific or implied warranties or guarantees. So why is my reaction to him one of utter loathing? Possibly because his choices were so totally inappropriate. A married woman? His best friend’s long time love interest? How about a single mom with a young’un just old enough to form attachments? Oooooh, I think my capillaries went from slow simmer to rolling boil just thinking about this. I’ll have to put it out with some Ben & Jerrys. The fact of the matter is that Alfie is a just a cute jerk. The world is full of them, but that doesn’t mean they’re cinematically viable unless the writer provides a foil to their masculine ignoramousnishness. (Cool, I just invented a word!) A Colin Firth to Bridget Jones’s Hugh Grant, if you will.

So what is this all about? Not very much. Is it worth seeing? Heck, I don’t know. My movie watching co-pilot and I spent most of the time trading dubious glances at some of the most chauvinistic — or at least moronic — monologue we’d ever listened to. My enjoyment, such as it was, derived mostly from slavering over Jude Law’s best features and listening to his lovely little purring accent (sorry, I’m just a sucker for accents) and counting his ironic eyebrow twitches. I guess it might be a guy flick if you’re a total misogynist or just have a thing for any of the leading ladies. It might be a chick flick if you find Jude dreamier than a very dreamy thing. Otherwise, eh. Whatever.

Is it his minty fresh breath?

Intermission!

• Jude Law wearing clothes looks like a bean-pole. Jude Law without clothes is yummily muscular. How? HOW?
• Random background signage as plot progression cues.
• Counting the women he comes on to would make a nifty little drinking game.
• Alfie’s highest mark for a woman is an A-.
• Alfie is a remake of the 1966 movie of the same name, which starred Michael Cain.
• In the shot where Jude Law punched a car’s windshield, Law actually cracked it after being told to imagine that it was paparazzi he was hitting. Apparently earlier efforts at punching it weren’t intense enough for the director’s satisfaction. In the end, the windshield had to be removed the rest of the way with a sledgehammer.

Groovy Quotes:

Julie: Where were you last night?
Alfie: I thought we agreed we weren’t asking each other those questions.

Alfie: I myself subscribe more to the European philosophy of life, my priorities leaning towards wine, women and… well, that’s about it.

Alfie: Whenever you meet a beautiful woman, just remember somewhere there’s a man who’s sick of shagging her.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Down With Love
• Alife (1966)
• Remedial sensitivity training classes.

]]> http://mutantreviewers.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/alfie-retro-review/feed/ 0 rori20 alfie2 suebanner alife http://mutantreviewers.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/magfest-2012-starting-the-new-year-off-nice-and-nerdy/ http://mutantreviewers.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/magfest-2012-starting-the-new-year-off-nice-and-nerdy/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:20:07 +0000 Heather http://mutantreviewers.wordpress.com/?p=15722 ]]>

It was the first Friday of 2012, and after watching two straight hours of videos on thatguywiththeglasses.com I made an impulsive decision: I wanted to go to whatever this MAGfest thing is they keep talking about and meet these people. The fact that the convention was already going on did not deter me in the slightest, as the website touted that tickets would be available at the door and would not sell out. Score!

The insanity of hosting a Christmas and a New Year’s party had left my husband and I exhausted, poorer, and on a desperate quest to rid our home of the terrifying new stains it had acquired. It’s a wonder, then, that I even suggested we spend our first free weekend of the new year together  at a convention where we would blow far too much money, be on our feet all day and try to avoid new and diverse stains.

We did it, though, and I’m going to tell you about my experiences and thoughts on the music and gaming con. I’ll break this up into an arbitrary list of things to know about MAGfest and things I really enjoyed or want to point out about my first small(er than SD Comic Con) con.

1. By Fans For Fans

This is MAGfest’s tenth year nerding it up, which surprised me seeing as how I never would have heard about it without seeing it mentioned repeatedly by the TGWTG people. Why is it so under the radar? Well, it’s certainly not because they lack big name guests, because holy cow were there ever some cool people there; but I’ll expand on that later. The reason is probably because this con is completely fan run and funded. No corporate sponsors here, and that also means that every event is open to the public, so you won’t find yourself left out of anything going on just because you don’t have the right name or numbers in your bank account. Speaking of parties and events…

2. Something To Do 24/7

The doors just don’t close. Once the panels are all over for the day, or if you have an hour or two to kill between panels, there are two rooms you’ll want to know about: The video room and the arcade room. The video room runs anything from Hollywood video game films like The Wizard, to the fan-made Mega-Man movie, to Hey Ash Whatcha Playin’ and The Angry Video Game nerd all day long. Good news for when you’re partying it up and want to take a break from the rockstar lifestyle, or when you get tired of sitting in your room and playing your Dreamcast in your underwear. I’m not here to judge. As for the arcade room, it’s exactly what it sounds like: A room full of arcade cabinets. Over 100 of them all set on free to play, waiting to infuriate you.

It doesn't even cost one money!

3. Fantastic Guests During Normal Waking Hours

As I mentioned before, I was completely enamored with the guest list and schedule for MAGfest. Here’s what I got to see, which is a small sampling of what was going on: A two-hour voice actors panel with Wes Johnson, Jon St. John and six other amazing voice actors; An Ellen McLaine (voice of GLaDOS and TF2 announcer) Q&A; Brentalfloss Q&A; Thatguywiththeglasses panel; the Unskippable guys from Escapistmagazine; the mother-lovin’ MINIBOSSES!; and Nobuo Uematsu (he only scored most of the Final Fantasy titles).

I had to miss the Hey Ash Whatcha Playin’ panel, but I did see the dad walking around the floor. I didn’t speak to him, because he looks every bit as terrifying in real life as he does on the show.

This is not the face of a man who wants you to ask for his autograph.

4. Minimal Cosplay

Disappointingly, there weren’t very many people dressed up (except that guy dressed as Dr. Forrester. You rock). I can’t point fingers, as I certainly have never made any moves to squeeze myself into a sketchily sewn monstrosity, but I did miss looking at the amazing/horrifying things people come up with.

On the plus side, I was spared gratuitous amounts of pasty man flesh forced into Sailor Moon outfits.

I think everyone knows better than this by now.

5. Gratuitous Amounts of Pasty Flesh Forced Into Mom Jeans

The way that some men and women can just completely let their moneymaker hang out baffles me. How is there no draft? Your entire butt is pouring out over that elastic band. At least have the courtesy to wear granny panties up to your armpits so that the most offensive thing I have to see is that you like having a My Little Ponies print next that that special area.

7. It Isn’t A Con Until Someone Makes Me Wildly Uncomfortable

You broke an unspoken code by continuously failing to pull up your pants every time we sat down. You then violated my personal space in line by having your butt be FAR too close to my head whenever you stood up. I should have never known where that mole was located, and your lack of underwear will haunt my nightmares, so no I do not want to discuss what comic Linkara’s going to review next. Screw off.

               NO PICTURE PROVIDED. YOU’RE WELCOME.

8. A Much More Intimate Con Experience

I went to San Diego Comic Con a couple of times while I was living there and honestly, if I had paid for travel fees plus exorbitant hotel rates and taxi/rental car on top of the completely silly admission price I would have been even more disappointed and angry than I already was. I enjoyed myself, don’t get me wrong, but SDCC is greatly flawed. here are some of the ways a smaller con like MAGfest fares better than SDCC:

A) If things continue like last year, you may not even be able to get into SDCC unless you were already there the previous year and pre-registered, as tickets sell out almost immediately now. Even pre-registration was poorly handled, and many people got shut out after waiting in line for hours. MAGfest had tickets still available at the door this year. They sold out last year, then wisely moved on to a larger venue. Also they don’t have Twilight and Desperate Housewives at their con, so they’re not selling copious amounts of tickets to people just trying to snag a piece of undeserving celebrity hair.

B) Because we weren’t fighting giant crowds of people, being told we can’t sit or stand longer than a few seconds, and having security heard us around like pimply cattle, everyone at MAG was a lot less stressed and I ended up chatting with quite a few nice people. The longest line I waited in was for That Guy With The Glasses, and that was an hour. Obviously everyone is in a much better mood and you really start to connect with these people who share your interests.

C) There were ongoing epic Nerf battles, LARPING, table-top games, and even a “jamspace” for aspiring musicians to get up and play in front of everyone. MAG had a much more laid-back, involved attitude and I loved it. Unlike a giant con such as SDCC, you get the feeling at MAG that you can be a part of anything there.

If this poorly structured list leaves you with anything, I hope it’s an inspiration to look into your local cons and check out my upcoming article about the voice actors panel I attended (plug!).

And for the sake of everything pure in the world, pull your damn pants up.

“Jack Flack always escapes.”

The Scoop: 1984 PG, directed by Richard Franklin and starring Henry Thomas, Dabney Coleman, and Christina Nigra

Tagline: It’s not just a game anymore.

Summary Capsule: Little boy’s spy fantasies come true in the third world nation of… Texas!

Justin’s Rating: Should’ve been called “Parachutes & Submachine Guns”

Justin’s Review: Ray Romano once made the observation that things kids say and think are often considered quite cute and adorable, yet if older folks did or thought the same things, they’d be considered senile and demented. Case in point: kids and their imaginary friends. Unless you were a soulless tyke, you probably had one of these that you toted around until you discovered girls, video games or long division. Seeing a kid talking about “Mr. Wigglesport”, a half-man, half-magical-pig who grants wishes every full moon, is the stuff of light-hearted adult laughter and fond recollections for the past.

When I talk to Mr. Wigglesport in my local Wal-Mart? Even the freaks in the discount aisle edge away and the store employees use the intercom to announce a “Code Marshmallow”.

So I guess imaginary friends are something that you’re supposed to grow out of, yet Davey (Henry Thomas, who looks pretty familiar considering that two years prior he played Elliott in E.T.) still has his, super-spy Jack Flack. Jack Flack is a leather-clad British spook sporting a beret, a pencil-thin moustache, and a penchant for giving Davey absolutely horrible advice. Because of his imaginary friend, Davey stumbles onto some real-life espionage action and stays “in the game” due to Flack’s impeccable advice. Davey’s mild yet adorable mental lapse results in him dodging actual bullets and eschewing the police in favor for putting his friends and family into danger.

We have some further issues with Jack Flack’s imaginary status, seeing as how he’s shown actually moving things physically, being shot and killed by a spy’s machine gun, and since the actor who plays him also plays Davey’s dad. Either Davey subconsciously wanted his dad to be his playmate or Davey hated his dad enough to want to see him die in a hail of bullets. Both possibilities are pretty disturbing.

Parents, if you’re reading this, MRFH highly advises you to publicly murder your child’s imaginary friend, perhaps going so far as to build a gallows in your kitchen with a working trap door. Sure, it might upset your kid now, but if it keeps them from playing “peekaboo” with the KGB (or whatever they are now), then it’s worth it.

Cloak & Dagger is supposedly revered by many children-of-the-80′s who grew up watching this two-hour commercial for an Atari game that didn’t actually release for the home console. I was not among the viewers of this film, back in the day, and back in this day, it’s even more ridiculous than it sounds. It’s very much a “kid flick”, in that adult actors have to look both menacing and grossly incompetent so that our plucky toddler can run circles around them with his Home Alone tactics.

There’s a few twists and turns to the story, as Davey tries to protect an Atari “Cloak & Dagger” video game cartridge that has Top Secret information hidden on it, but nothing you won’t seem telegraphed from a mile away. During his many escapades, Jack Flack appears out of thin air to constantly advise Davey on his next course of action, which includes getting his best friend kidnapped, driving a car despite being unable to see over the steering wheel, and gunning down a spy with a stolen pistol.

This last bit gave me some pause: Davey actually kills a guy, even though it’s in self-defense, and that seems a bit harsh for a movie of this light-hearted caliber. To be fair, Davey seems to take his newfound status as a murderer to heart, and mentally crumples under the weight of it. I foresee many years of therapy for young Davey.

Other than possible nostalgia or a desire to plow through every single 80′s movie known to man (and I am working on it, people), Cloak & Dagger should just retire in peace.

BUY STOCK IN ATARI. THIS, WE COMMAND.

Intermission!

• Although the movie has gained a reputation for being something of an Atari 5200 commercial, there is a ColecoVision, the 5200′s main competitor, visible in the main room of the Game Keeper. It’s visible at the top of the screen as Davie is collapsing the walkie-talkie’s antenna after talking to Rice.
• The elderly couple in the film, John McIntire and Jeanette Nolan, both had parts in the original Psycho
• All spy parachutes should have the American flag boldly printed on them
• Bad guys have no compunction against punching through doors and windows at risk of their knuckles
• You think Atari sponsored this movie? I do!
• A car phone! I remember those!
• Bad guys also love to wave around pistols in broad daylight at little kids. And shoot at them. Nobody seems to care.
• Ooh, 3-D vector graphics. Top notch!
• That kid’s a pretty good driver for his first time. And considering that he can’t see above the steering wheel.
• Davey’s dad works past midnight and leaves Davey alone all that time?
• This being a kid flick, no parents are ever useful (except at the end), and likewise the police
• The bad guy shoots a little cute mouse? OH GEEZ HE’S REALLY BAD!
• Bad guys talk forever before trying to kill you
• So does the bad guy actually see Jack Flak? I don’t get what happened there.
• Kids with a bomb in an airport. That’s… disturbing.
• This is a remake of the 1949 film The Window.
• The video game which is central to the movie had already been in development as production of the film began (the game then named “Agent X”); when Atari was consulted to provide a game as an element of the movie, they tweaked “Agent X” and renamed it Cloak & Dagger. Dabney Coleman’s character was then named “Agent X” in the movie. The Cloak & Dagger game screens are mostly from the arcade version, and not the Atari 5200 game console as it would appear in the film. Although an 5200 version of the game was planned, it never was released due to the video game crash of 1983 and eventual sale of Atari. The arcade version of Cloak & Dagger appeared in 1983 prior to the release of the film. Next to the Cloak & Dagger games are boxes for the 5200 version of Tempest. Like the 5200 version of Cloak & Dagger, this game was never released.
• The interior of the Alamo had to be recreated because they were not allowed to film the inside.

Groovy Quotes

Davey Osborne: Jack Flack always escapes.

Kim Gardener: It’s not fair. Jack Flack always escapes. How does he do it, Morris? I had ten times as many bullets.
Morris: Yeah, but Flack had ingenuity and the contacts, Kim. That’s better than bullets sometimes.

Davey Osborne: Loud and clear. I’ll proceed to the building and you follow me in.
Kim Gardener: This is what I meant by “embarrassing”.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Creating Rem Lezar
• The Man Who Knew Too Little
• Leonard Part 6

“Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing: that you will stay who you are – not a perfect soldier, but a good man.”

The Scoop: 2011 PG-13, directed by Joe Johnston and starring Chris Evans, Hugo Weaving, Tommy Lee Jones, Hayley Atwell, Toby Jones, Stanley Tucci, and Samuel L. Jackson.

Tagline: The first Avenger.

Summary Capsule: Former 90-pound weakling who got sand kicked in his face kicks some sand himself and becomes the hero of the beach! Or maybe it was America – yes, I’m pretty sure it was America. Oh well, there are beaches in America.

Deneb’s Rating: 3 ½ iconic striped shields out of five.

Deneb’s Review: My local movie theater annoys me. I’d just like to say that and get it out of the way.

Why does it annoy me? Simple – because it has the uncanny ability to stop showing movies just when I’m fixin’ to go and see them. It’s done this with… hmm… *counts on fingers* At least five films and counting that I’ve really wanted to see on the big screen. Dammit, Regal Entertainment Group, why must you pick on li’l ol’ me? Did I give you a hotfoot in a past life or something?

As you’ve probably guessed, one of said films was Captain America. And since I’m a man who loathes spoilers, I’ve had to scrupulously avoid every last hint of them for months and months, while people shower praise upon it all around me. I’ve even had to avoid reading Drew’s excellent review until just now! Oh, the pain! The anguish! You people really have no idea how much I suffer sometimes.

Anyway. Captain America. I have now joined the rest of the world and seen Captain America. How was it? Read on, MacDuff.

The story begins in the modern day, where scientists have discovered some variety of aircraft embedded in the polar ice. Upon excavation, they discover something else – a red-white-and-blue colored shield, one that belonged to a certain man – a certain very well-remembered man…

The rest of the movie takes place in the 1940s, where we learn all about said certain man. Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is a man who hates bullies. He’s been picked on all his life, and he sees the growing Nazi menace overseas as a case of bullying on an ominously large scale. So when the US joins the war, he desperately wants in.

Trouble is, there’s a reason why he’s been picked on all his life – he’s a wimp. A shrimp. A proverbial 90-pound weakling, with all the muscle tone of a sick lambkin. As a result, no draft board will take him – and he’s tried. He’s tried all over the place. But no dice.

Poor guy. All he wants is to do his part and show those nasty Nazzies what’s what. But due to his scarecrow frame and shrunken stature, it seems he’s destined to be left behind – until, that is, his persistence catches the eye of one Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci). He feels he just may be able to use Steve after all, in a context where his scrawniness will make no difference.

See, Erskine is a government scientist, and he thinks he’s come up with the solution for winning the war. He has devised a treatment that will turn anyone it’s used on into a virtual superhuman, many times faster, stronger, and in generally better working condition than a regular man. He knows it’ll work – it’s already been tested once, albeit with mixed results (more on that later). And that was some time ago – by now, he thinks he’s gotten it just right, and sees Steve, decent fellow that he is, as the perfect prototype for a new breed of soldiers that will whup Hitler’s butt in no time flat.

The results are mixed. Oh, they’re mainly pretty darn good – the process goes without a hitch, and transforms Steve from a wringing-wet weakling to a tall, muscular he-man. The visiting senators are very impressed. All would be just dandy, except for the fact that one of said senators is a Nazi agent, and before anything can be done to stop him, he’s plugged Erskine and effectively brought the whole program to a crashing halt.

So what about Steve? Well, the army wanted super-soldiers, plural – they’re not too interested in just one guy. The government still has a use for him, though – he’ll be a propaganda symbol, dressing up in a costume and getting folks to buy war bonds by inspirin’ ‘em up real good with public appearances and the like. And what will they call him? Why, Captain America, of course!

Needless to say, this business of parading about like a trained seal is not exactly what Steve joined up for. He wanted to fight the Nazis, was that too much to ask? Especially seeing as how there are some particularly nasty Nazis running around right now. They call themselves HYDRA, and their leader is one Johann Schmidt (Hugo Weaving), otherwise known as the Red Skull. He owes this soubriquet to a particularly nasty little deformity brought on by an early version of Dr. Erskine’s treatment (“mixed results”, remember?). He’s utterly brilliant, crazier than a specimen of chiroptera in a guano factory, and in possession of a mysterious, immensely powerful artifact that he uses to power his soldiers’ weaponry. If he’s not stopped right now, the world will be under his thumb, and they’re unlikely to enjoy the experience.

Naturally, you can’t keep a good do-gooder down, and before long, Steve is genuinely doing the things that he used to portray in the movies. With a doughty crew of soldiers at his back, he’s putting a stop to the Red Skull’s ambitions faster than he can blink – and now the newsreels really have something to show.

Trouble is, Schmidt’s not beaten yet, and he has plans – terrible plans. And don’t forget how the movie begins…

Now when I finally saw this movie after my months-long wait, I had a few reservations going in. I’m a Northern Californian by birth and breeding, and like many Northern Californians, I’m basically a second-generation child of the ‘60’s, and raised in an atmosphere of healthy skepticism regarding mindless patriotism and the like. Hence, I was a little worried that Captain America would fall prey to jingoism and flag-waving. I mean, the name of the main character is Captain America, for cryin’ out loud, and while I’m well-versed enough in the comics to know that Cap is considerably more than just a guy wrapped in a flag, I was worried that the filmmakers might not remember that.

Thankfully they did, and that’s the key to how the movie works. Steve may be a guy from America called Captain America who fights on the side of America while wearing the colors of America, but he himself is only coincidentally an American. That is to say, the good Captain’s true ethos knows no country – he fights for the ideals of America, which are basically the ideals of every country with any morals to speak of: freedom, fair play, a chance for the little guy, etc. He’s not in this for any sort of national agenda, or to shove the flag down the viewer’s throats – he just wants to get those naughty Nazis to knock it off. That aside, he himself is just such a likable guy that you want him to succeed and cheer him on – the fact that he happens to be wearing the red, white and blue while fighting on the side of the Allies is just icing on the cake.

Speaking of the red, white and blue, that aspect of the story is very cleverly handled. Just how to justify the whole “guy in a brightly-colored costume gets sent overseas to punch Nazis” aspect has always been a problem in later retellings of the character. It’s definitely a little ridiculous, and it can be a bit difficult to get beyond that. Having him start out as a government propaganda tool was a stroke of genius – it gives him the name, the costume and the fame necessary to become a legend all in one swoop, at the same time acknowledging the purpose for which the character was created in real life. Hell, the montage of him doing his thing onstage while patriotically-bedecked chorus girls sing his theme song is so incredibly corny that it turns right back on itself and becomes awesome – more so because it’s exactly the sort of stunt they would have pulled back then.

And even if you ignore all that stuff, those scenes with Cap in action? Bouncing his shield around and taking on scores of bad guys single-handed? They are damn awesome, and worth the price of admission. Cap is basically the incarnation of all those over-the-top movie heroes who do physically impossible things while never acknowledging the fact, only in his case, it makes sense – he’s Captain friggin’ America! He does that sort of thing to work up an appetite!

So yeah – they got Cap right, and that is worth a good deal. If they’d gotten him wrong the whole movie would have foundered, but they didn’t, so it didn’t. He pretty much carries the film on his shoulders, and bears the burden proudly.

Unfortunately, some parts are a little heavier than others. In fact, there is one aspect to Captain America that, for me, comes close to sinking it.

That aspect is the villains. More specifically. HYDRA.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not HYDRA’s presence that I take issue with, per se. They’re not an invention of the film, after all – they’re a prominent part of the Marvel Universe, and it’s nice to see these things being acknowledged and incorporated into the movies. What I take issue with is not the fact that they’re there, it’s that they feel so terribly out of place.

Look – what do you think of when you think of classic Cap? You think of him fighting Nazis, yes? I mean, the guy only took down Hitler on the cover of his first comic ever – you’d think that a Captain America movie would have a fair amount to do with him fighting Nazis. And it does – but only technically.

What do I mean by that? Simple – for all intents and purposes, HYDRA are not Nazis. Oh, they may have started out as Nazis, and everyone more or less refers to them as such, but by the time we see them, they’ve been seriously de-Nazified. They don’t use any of the Nazi symbols or uniforms (there’s barely a swastika to be seen in the whole film), they don’t talk about thousand-year Reichs or “the Fatherland” or spout gratuitous German or any of that stuff – hell, they don’t even acknowledge Hitler as their leader! Basically, as presented here these guys have nothing whatsoever to do with Nazis; they’re just a generic evil army. I half expected Cobra Commander to walk round a corner and start yelling orders.

On a similar note, I think giving them all that high-tech weaponry was not a good idea. I certainly get what they were going for – they were trying to make them more menacing when going up against regular soldiers – but in practice, it just doesn’t work. The movie is set during WW2, but going by these battles you’d never know it – you’d instead infer that you were watching a scene from far in the future, the year 3000, perhaps. All very striking, yes, but why on Earth would you set the story during one of the more visually distinctive conflicts of human history if you’re not going to do anything with it? I have no problem with HYDRA having high-tech equipment, but it should be stuff that looks and feels like it was high-tech for the era, stuff that the Nazis might really have come up with if they’d had a few mad scientists working for them (and for the record, those few scenes that do achieve that effect are pretty darn awesome), not sleek and shiny and Pew Pew Pew. The only times that Captain America achieves a genuine period feel are during the sequences that do not feature HYDRA, which I personally think is a crying shame, since it severely detracts from the appeal of the film. I watched this movie to see Captain America beat up Nazis, the goose-stepping goons we love to loathe, actual genuine Nazis, not characters that look like they’ve just stepped off the Death Star. It just strikes me as completely missing the point.

Despite all that, I’m not saying any of this sinks the movie – it’s just distracting, and keeps me from rating it as highly as I ordinarily might. Don’t get me wrong, the movie’s still quite good, it just could have been great if they’d done a few things differently. Such is my opinion, anyway.

Also, call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the initial costume Cap wears to his redesigned “battlefield” version. I know, I know, it’s corny and it’s meant to be, but despite that, it’s still a fairly accurate representation of his usual costume, and as such packs more iconic punch than the redesign possibly could. Just a personal preference.

So since it’s been established that the movie basically rests on the shoulders of Captain America, and Captain America is fine and dandy, how’s Steve Rogers? Steve Rogers is similarly fine – he’s not exactly a complex character, but then, he doesn’t have to be. Chris Evans plays him as completely unpretentious, a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve at all times, even when it might save him a beating to keep it hidden away. When it does result in a beating, though, he doesn’t flinch from it – even during the period when he happens to be a foot shorter and narrower than his usual assailants. It’s this iron core beneath a vulnerable exterior that shows the potential for the superhero he’ll become.

In other roles, Hayley Atwell is great as Peggy Carter, Steve’s on-and-off love interest – she’s a female officer in a very masculine army, and has clearly decided that the best way to prove herself is to be so casually competent at everything that nobody ever calls her out on it. Tommy Lee Jones does a pretty good job in the role of Colonel Phillips, Steve’s commanding officer, but then, he could play this sort of world-weary wisecracker in his sleep. A particular stand-out is Stanley Tucci as Dr. Erskine – he manages to make the character interesting and sympathetic in a very short amount of time, and pulls off the best German accent in the movie, to my ears. (Incidentally, I like how it’s emphasized that German does not automatically equal Nazi, and that Erskine’s main motivation is to help topple the monsters that are despoiling his already-troubled homeland. It sounds fairly basic, I know, and it is, but you’d be surprised how many WW2 flicks forget to mention things like that.)

On the villainous side of the fence, Hugo Weaving does a serviceable job as the Red Skull. I was honestly a little underwhelmed by him, though – don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with his performance, and he’s clearly having a good time hamming it up, but to my mind, he could be doing so still more. A little extra ham is par for the course when it comes to someone as operatically evil as the Skull is supposed to be – I would have enjoyed him much more in the role if he’d indulged in some Vincent Price-style histrionics. Still, he’s fine. Toby Jones is well-cast as Dr. Arnim Zola, his weaselly right-hand man – he actually gives the character a fair amount of depth, as you see him growing rather disturbed at the depravities his boss will sink to.

Final thoughts? Despite my grouchiness about the whole HYDRA thing, in all other respects, Captain America is a perfectly enjoyable superhero flick with parts that can legitimately be called terrific, and an excellent portrayal of a truly iconic hero. I recommend it to all those who enjoy such things, which I assume includes most of you.

(And listen, Regal Entertainment group – the next time you mess with me, I’ll… I’ll… do nothing at all. But I’ll be mad about it!)

Drew’s Rating: In keeping with my Thor review, I’ll be writing this one in the voice of a blond-haired, blue-eyed American badass. You’re welcome.

Drew’s Review: From the start, Captain America: The First Avenger had a major advantage and a significant disadvantage with me. The advantage is that of all theAvengers-related films (Iron Man, Thor, etc.), it’s the one I was most looking forward to. And the disadvantage is that… it’s the one I was most looking forward to. I’m someone who always needs to see the man in the Superman. It’s what Marvel became famous for — back when DC had twenty costumed heroes sharing one personality, Marvel’s heroes squabbled, got picked on, struggled to pay the rent. It’s less important to me that someone can lift a tank as it is to know what drives him to want to lift tanks in the first place. Like Batman, Captain America is one of the least powerful heroes in comics, yet exudes such leadership and bravery that gods and geniuses follow his orders without question. He embodies the ideals most of us constantly strive for; plus he personally socked Hitler in the face. Ergo, coolness. But it wasn’t always that way…

In 1943, Steve Rogers (Evans) is 220 lbs of grit stuffed into a 98 lb sack. Wanting nothing more than to fight for his country, he keeps being rejected as physically unfit for service. But Steve catches the attention of Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who needs a guinea pig volunteer to test his super-soldier serum, designed to transform a body into peak human physical condition. The U.S. government wants an army of super-soldiers; and assisted by Agent Peggy Carter (Atwell), who clearly drank all of the super-sexy serum, Steve complies and instantly goes from Franklin Roosevelt to Teddy Roosevelt. But when a Nazi saboteur kills Erskine and the formula dies with him, the program is deemed a failure and Steve an interesting oddity, useful for propaganda purposes and little else. That is until Steve’s friend Bucky is captured by the Red Skull (Weaving), a rogue Nazi setting up his own regime using a mysterious power rooted in Norse legend. Aided by Carter and inventor Howard Stark (Domonic Cooper), the good Captain is ready to go AWOL, storm the fortress, and beat some Nazi ass. And boy, are we ready to watch him do it.

One much appreciated aspect of Captain America is that while it’s definitely flag-waving, it isn’t jingoistic… which, let’s face it, was a danger in a movie like this. Dr. Erskine is a German refugee quick to point out that Nazis don’t represent all German people, and when Cap displays momentary surprise at seeing a man of Japanese heritage being held prisoner with U.S. soldiers, he’s quickly admonished in perfect English with “I’m from San Francisco” (with the “jerk” left unsaid but implied). Cap is a symbol that anyone, no matter their beginnings, can rise up and achieve greatness, and if there’s a better expression of the ideal conception of America’s melting pot, I haven’t heard it. We’ll politely ignore the fact that Steve Rogers gains success by injecting muscle-stimulating chemicals into his body and that these days that’s enough to earn you a lifetime ban from the game of baseball, because really, why quibble?

In terms of acting, Chris Evans is perhaps slightly wooden, but he’s kind of supposed to be, because so is the character. (Sorry, Cap.) He’s best in the pre-transformation scenes, displaying a heartbreakingly earnest desire to serve despite his physical limitations. Meanwhile, Hayley Atwell looks every inch the pin-up girl her character resembles but isn’t; she’s fine in the role, but I can’t say the romance between Peggy and Steve particularly clicked for me. Hugo Weaving does what he always does, which is to say creeps you the eff out with his voice while turning in a solid performance. I think he’s hurt a little by the make-up/CGI, but such is the nature of the beast. Impressing me the most was Domonic Cooper as Howard Stark. You can see in him the genius and the penchant for quips and womanizing that he’ll pass on to his son (which is a huge credit to Cooper, having to emulate Robert Downey Jr. while seeming more like a predecessor), but also less self-confidence and more awkwardness, not being born into success as his son will be. Well done, sir.

Even though I enjoyed Captain America a lot, don’t think it gets away without any criticism. Some of it is just typical action movie stuff, like a car being able to catch a jet mid-takeoff. But while I understand why the ending needed to be the way it was, it doesn’t make it seem like any less of a contrived set-up for the Avengers movie… which, of course, is exactly what it is. And fair enough, but a slightly better reason could have been given for why Steve needs to take the course of action he does with the jet. I also really, really dislike the half-baked notion that the super-soldier serum amplifies what’s in a person, for good or evil. That’s really hokey and tries to instill a quasi-metaphysical element into something that didn’t need it. Just let the Red Skull be an evil S.O.B. and Steve Rogers a genuinely good guy who happens to get a body to match his spirit. No amplification necessary.

As I said at the beginning, I was predisposed to like this movie by my love of country and my enjoyment of the comic character. (Yes I did intentionally wear a red shirt to go with my blue jeans and white socks, and no you may not laugh at that, commie.) But it also faced an uphill battle because of my heightened expectations. I’m happy to report that Captain America: The First Avenger mostly lives up to them. No, it’s not quite as slick as Iron Man, and Spider-Man remains the preferred “superhero origin story,” but if Cap doesn’t exactly blaze new trails, it at least retreads familiar ground in a most agreeable way, and that’s not easy to pull off in a period piece. Granted it’s largely a set-up for next summer’s Avengersmovie; but that doesn’t stop Captain America from telling its own story and doing it well. Much respect, Cap.

Now…

“And there came a day, a day unlike any other, when Earth’s mightiest heroes found themselves united against a common threat. On that day, the Avengers were born — to fight the foes no single hero could withstand. Heed the call, then — for now, the Avengers Assemble!”

"Outta the way! Outta the way! There are flag-patterned boxers on sale at JC Penny's - this I can't miss!"

Intermission!

• One thing I was excited about going into this movie was the rumor that the Invaders – a period superteam that Cap was retconned into being a member of – were going to fight alongside him. As it turns out, they don’t – but Cap’s little squadron is officially named the Invaders, although they’re never called that in the movie. Boo! That’s cheating!
• Steve’s relationship with his best friend, James “Bucky” Barnes, is a clever reference to the comics, in which Bucky was his kid sidekick. In this case, Steve more or less starts out as the sidekick, then the positions are reversed.
• Actually, I know exactly why the filmmakers didn’t make HYDRA ‘real’ Nazis – they were paranoid that the inevitable action figures would draw complaints from parents if they had swastikas on them. So release ‘em without swastikas, geniuses!
• In all but name, Cap’s team is clearly the Howling Commandos, a group originally led by Nick Fury in the comics. The upper-crust British member of the team, however, despite being very close in appearance and demeanor to one of the original Commandos, Percy Pinkerton, is in fact supposed to be one James Montgomery Falsworth, who, in the comics, was the original Union Jack.
• The Red Skull is only called that once during the film. Generally, he’s just referred to as “Schmidt”.
• Apparently, all the HYDRA tech seen in the film is based on actual, unused Nazi war designs – which admittedly does mitigate my annoyance towards it a little bit. Not much, though.
• Where did those tomatoes come from? It’s a war zone!
• At one point, Dum-Dum Dugan (the guy in the derby) yells ‘Wa-hoo!’ That was the Howling Commandos’ signature battle cry.
• Like every recent Marvel movie, there’s a scene following the end credits, though this one’s more of a trailer for the upcoming Avengers movie. Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Samuel L. Jackson, and Scarlett Johansson are all featured. Apparently the tagline will be “Some Assembly Required.”
• Raiders of the Lost Ark reference FTW!
• Tommy Lee Jones boasts that an army of super-soldiers will “escort Adolf Hitler to the gates of Hell.” In the Marvel Universe, Hitler was killed by Cap’s fellow WWII hero, the original Human Torch. And what hero did Chris Evans portray in two Fantastic Four movies? None other than the “new” Human Torch.
• To that point: at the fair Steve and Bucky attend, a sign reading “Phineas Horton presents” adorns a glass dome containing what appears to be a mannequin in a red costume. This is the original Human Torch, Marvel’s first superhero, an android created by Dr. Horton.
• Though never referred to as such, Cap’s crew are the Howling Commandoes. In the comics they were led by Sgt. Nick Fury; the survivors would go on to help found SHIELD.
• At one point, Steve can be seen drawing in a sketchbook. In the comics, Cap is a decent artist; for a period of time Steve Rogers even worked as an artist for Marvel Comics, illustrating the Captain America comic book!
• In the comics, the Cosmic Cube is a man-made device. I have to give the screenwriters credit for tying it in with Thor by making it a Norse artifact.
• Could be wrong, but was that a Doctor Strangelove reference?
• Hydra in the Marvel Universe are the main adversaries of SHIELD. They were founded by Baron von Strucker, another wartime foe of Cap’s. Dr. Arnim Zola, seen in the film as the Red Skull’s main lackey, will go on to be a mad geneticist and major pain in the revived Cap’s ass.
• The cover of Captain America’s first appearance, published in March 1941, depicted Cap punching Hitler in the jaw. This was a somewhat bold decision on the part of Timely (the company that would become Marvel), since in 1941 America was still a year away from entering the war. While many Americans despised Hitler and what he stood for, plenty still favored uninvolvement in the war, and there were open Nazi supporters in the U.S.

Groovy Quotes:

Red Skull: And the Fuhrer digs for trinkets in the desert…!

Dr. Erskine: A strong man, who has known power all his life, may lose respect for that power – but a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion.

Steve: Who the hell are you?
Assassin: The first of many.

Bucky: Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.
Steve: How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.

Dr. Erskine: So many people forget that the first country the Nazis invaded was their own.

Red Skull: Captain America, how exciting! I am a great fan of your films!

Steve: I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t like bullies – I don’t care where they’re from.

Col. Phillips: Our goal is to create the best army in history. But every army starts with one man. At the end of this week, we will choose that man. He will be the first in a new breed of super-soldier, and they will personally escort Adolph Hitler to the gates of Hell.

Red Skull: I did not come all this way for safety, Doctor.

Steve: That wasn’t so bad.
Dr. Erskine: That was penicillin.

Steve: What do you want me to do – collect scrap metal in my little red wagon?

Col. Phillips: He’s still skinny.

Steve: I thought you were dead.
Bucky: I thought you were smaller.

Dr. Erskine: Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing: that you will stay who you are – not a perfect soldier, but a good man.

Steve: I know this neighborhood. I got beat up in that alley – and that parking lot, and behind that diner…

Keeper: You cannot control the power you hold! You will burn!
Red Skull: I already have.

Steve: Women aren’t exactly lining up to dance with a guy they might step on.

Repeated line: Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail HYDRA!

Red Skull: You don’t give up, do you?
Steve: Nope!

Steve: You know, for the longest time I dreamed about coming overseas and being on the front lines, serving my country… I’ve finally got everything I wanted – and I’m wearing tights.

Col. Phillips: Well, if it isn’t the star-spangled man with a plan. What is your plan today?

Red Skull: Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait, but I must say you do it better than anyone.

Steve: So, do you two… Do you… Fondue?

HYDRA soldier: Cut off one head, two more shall- *gets shot*
Col. Phillips: Let’s go find two more!

Red Skull: You are failing!

Peggy Carter: You can’t give me orders!
Steve: The hell I can’t! I’m a captain!

Red Skull: You could have the power of the gods, and yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations! I have seen the future, Captain. There are no flags!
Steve: Not my future!

Dr. Arnim Zola: The sanity of the plan is of no consequence.
Col. Phillips: And why is that?
Dr. Arnim Zola: Because he can do it!

Dum-Dum Dugan: Y’know Fritz, one of these days I’m gonna have a stick of my own.

Gabe Jones: You know what you’re doing?
Steve: Yeah. I’ve knocked out Adolph Hitler over 200 times.

Bucky: What happened to you?
Steve: I joined the army.

Red Skull: You are deluded, Captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind! And unlike you, I embrace it proudly, without fear!
Steve: Then how come you’re running?

Bucky: I’m turning into you. It’s like a horrible dream.

Col. Phillips: If you have something to say, right now is the perfect time to keep it to yourself.

Red Skull: So what made you so special?
Steve: Nothing. I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Rocketeer
• Iron Man
• Raiders of the Lost Ark

So I repeat: This is not a slam on Bluth’s style, just more of an observation of the things that kind of pull me out of the movie and remind me that I’m watching something of his. Annoying as I find that, if you took any or all of these things out then you’d be taking out part of what made him unique.

Oh and before we begin: Yes, I know he worked for Disney for a while and there are some characteristics shared between his movies and the ones he worked on for Disney.

6. Glitter, Glitter Everywhere

Probably my nit-iest of picks, which is why I’m getting it out of the way early. I have no problem with seeing glitter (or “sparkles”) drawn as part of the clothing design or flying around a magical character. Bluth uses it in those instances, a lot, but he also tends to just make it a part of any surface to draw attention, or better capture the way water looks when light is reflecting off of it. Many times it looks great, but seeing that much sparkle makes me wonder “what in the world is in the water supply?”.

Perfectly acceptable glitter magic.

Water...so...sparkly.

Glittery magic owl breath with stars, hearts, and diamonds; this looks like a breakfast cereal instead of a villain I should take seriously.

5. Obnoxious Owl-brows.

Do owls have large eyebrows? Yes, indeed. Are they always white, bigger than the owl’s face and look like a bicorner? If you’re Don Bluth, they do.

Any time I’m watching The Secret of NIMH or Rock-A-Doodle and the owls in question show up on screen, all I can do is stare at their forehead until the story moves on.

Tell me I'm wrong.

4. Floppy Tongues

Unlike the the glitter, which is gorgeous but overused, or the Owl-brows that at least have their roots (ha) in reality, Floppy Tongue is so out of place and strangely animated that it’s the first one on this list that legitimately irks me.

Other animators draw characters with their tongues hanging out to show different emotions or a lack of intelligence. Bluth says “You know what this scene needs? Floppy Tongue!” and proceeds to draw everything from cats to birds to fish with tongues that suddenly grow 20 times their normal size and twirl around outside their mouths. It’s incredibly distracting and kind of icky.

Kind of cute.

Why is he doing that?!

This...what?

Oh come on! You couldn't do a two-minute-long segment in someone else's movie without Floppy Tongue? On a FISH?

Okay, I'll give all those others a pass if someone can tell me why Bluth animated this character's tongue to look like this while he's supposed to be talking!

3. Bubba Lip

It can strike any species at any time. No creature is safe.

The afflicted are easy to spot, pitiable to behold. Do not mistake this for a simple case of allergic reaction or the healing of a removed labret; the truth is much darker. These unfortunate beings were born this way, their gargantuan lower lips taking over their face until their chin completely disappears. It’s disturbing enough to cause onlookers to question the wisdom of such a creator.

Bubba Lip is a real affliction, and it’s time we raised awareness.

Let's stop this from happening to any toon ever again.

2. Featuring Dom DeLuise as Dom DeLuise

I have nothing against the man, God rest his soul. He was very likeable in his roles and as a child I found him comforting, like someone I wanted to be friends with.

Be that as it may, as a fan of voice acting I get quite annoyed when a celebrity is hired to just come into the studio and talk like he/she normally does. It’s a thing that happens, though, and I just have to get over it. Besides, he wasn’t bad.

But honestly Dom was in so many freaking Bluth films that it messed with my escapism when Jeremy, Tiger, Itchy and Stanley all sounded alike. I’m probably missing a couple of roles, but you get my point.

Left: Favorite Dom character as a child. Right: Favorite as an adult. I got angrier.

1. Rotoscoping

For those not in the know, rotoscoping is an animation technique where the animator traces over a live-action performance frame by frame.

It generally yields terrifying results, as Ralph Bakshii would love to show you:

GAH!

To my knowledge Bluth never created anything quite that horrifying, but actually accomplished some impressive human animations with them.

Still he used this technique often, and it wasn’t always so smooth; for example, the tractor in the Secret of NIMH. I don’t know what everyone else sees, but my mind can always pick out the uncanny quality of rotoscoping and it doesn’t sit well. It just makes things look out of place. As a child who didn’t understand why I sensed that something was wrong, it was very unsettling. To his credit, that added to the eerie quality of his movies.

Wait…

No....

Please, no. It can't be...

NOOOOOOOOO!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sweet naked Thor, there's no way that thing isn't rotoscoped!

That means that the Giant Mouse of Minsk is based on a real thing that has really been in existence! All of these years? Oh my God, please excuse me while I go throw up and crawl into the fetal position for the next two weeks.

“I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means ME!”

The Scoop: 1977 PG, Directed by Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin Jr and starring Orson Bean, Richard Boone, Hans Conried and John Huston

Tagline: None

Summary Capsule: Midget-sized animation patters across Middle-Earth in search of treasure and foreshadowing

Justin’s Rating: If only Bilbo could capture Smaug in a poké-ball, he would have the ultimate pocket monster!

Justi’s Review: Long before Peter Jackson took the easy way out by doing a Lord of the Rings version with (yawn) live actors filmed in his backyard and such, the craftsmen of yore (1978) actually put it a good day’s work by making animated versions of the Tolkien classics. Instead of a lush, rich three-dimensional computer generated Gollum, we got a flat, two-dimensional WONDER OF THE WESTERN WORLD Gollum, moving at a generous three frames per second. Well, sometimes none. Sometimes the animators went on a coffee break, leaving the poor screenwriters to scribble in and record a 15-minute internal monologue of a statue-still figure. But that was good enough in my day, and by gum, it should be good enough for yours!

Sure, some negative film critics might becry Lord of the Rings as being one of the single worst travesties to befall the silver screen, but they’re just cranky because they haven’t had their diapers changed yet. During that same year (1978), Tolkien fans were gifted with a television dowry as well: an animated version of The Hobbit, a.k.a. “The One Tolkien Book That Actually Reads Well, Possibly Because Tolkien Didn’t Spend Every Other Chapter Fawning Over The Elves And Their Language, Culture, Clothing, Likes, Dislikes, Hobbies, Pets, Dating Rituals, Mating Rituals, Birthing Rituals, Graduation Rituals and Favorite Web Sites As He Does In Lord Of The Rings”.

Based on every single unoriginal Dungeons & Dragons campaign that came both before and after, The Hobbit is a tale about a reluctant adventurer (a bowling ball-figured midget) who is hijacked to go on a quest with gold-crazy dwarves and their senile wizard ringleader. Bilbo finds a secret inner strength to battle trolls, spiders and dragons, but he finds this strength about three hundred pages too late, as he’s already agreed to go on this insane quest. I’m sorry, but if a spooky wizard and a baker’s dozen of dwarves barge into your home and flatly demand that you come traipsing around the world with them to get some booty (the diamond-filled kind), you just say NO! Then you call the Hobbiton Police Department to escort the kindly crazies out.

If you’ve read the book, then you’ll probably be able to follow the plot; if you haven’t, then good luck. Even though the events more or less follow what happened in the novel, they rush certain parts along (including many important backstory scenes) just to get to the next fireball-spewing part. The most disconcerting aspect is the underdevelopment of Bilbo. As the main hero and the focus of The Hobbit’s plot, Bilbo should have gotten a few more minutes to show his reluctant transformation from a meek soap opera-watcher to brash adventurer. In the movie, he goes from the first to the second almost instantly — and in the first fifteen minutes — making the whole question of hidden Hobbit strengths moot.

By far, the most ridiculous buffoonery that The Hobbit has to offer is its aspirations to be a grand musical (read more about my thoughts on the tunes in the Soundtrack Review section). Just because Tolkien wrote songs in his books doesn’t mean they should be sung. I like to imagine that the music composer of The Hobbit had a fierce hatred of the movie’s director, and so decided to throw a song in just about everywhere, even over dialogue and important action sequences. Sometimes the songs are used as a sort of montage, to speed up the pesky plot and utterly confuse any eight year-old watching.

Despite some instances of flat acting, jerky plot pacing and the constant, soul-rending musical numbers, The Hobbit remains a fairly fine piece of Tolkienobelia even today. After the herky-jerkiness of The Lord of the Rings cartoon, I sincerely appreciated the minimalistic watercolor drawings — sometimes this captured the spirit of Middle Earth very nicely. Some of the voice acting (particularly Gollum’s) is spot-on, and unexpected in something made straight-for-TV.

Still, the only reasons to see this would be either if you were a stupid movie reviewer who wanted to find stranger-than-ordinary fare, or if you had a few friends and wanted something to lightly mock while still being lightly entertained while doing so. At least The Hobbit wasn’t as bad as the other animated LOTR movies, so we’ll let it rest in piece, my precioussss.

Kermit's got nothing on Gollum.

Intermission!

• Bilbo’s got some heavy bags happening under his eyes. Also, he sports a nice set of buck teeth.
• So is Gandalf trying to go for the scariest wizard of the year award, with the lightning and the halloween mask-like face? Everyone’s noses are either sharp beaks or chubby feet
• Bilbo’s high-pitched noise and faint when he finds out that he’s going to be their burglar is out-and-out hilarious
• Elves have Christmas lights halo’d around their heads
• Gandalf’s always getting the dwarves out of their Bat-traps. Those dwarves wouldn’t have lasted ten seconds without him.
• An Orc, hit by a magical sword, will swirl away into darkness like he’s going down a toilet
• Why would Gollum leave his ring lying on the shore anyway?
• During the riddles scene, the camera suddenly starts panning over the walls for no reason, and does so for quite some time.
• The ring noises are pretty darn funny
• Gandalf makes bad ring-related puns
• You can sort of see the entire Tolkein saga in animated form, starting with this film, the going on to the horrid Lord of the Rings (which covers “Fellowship of the Ring” and “The Two Towers“), and finally ending up with Return of the King. The Hobbit and Return of the King were made and directed by the same people.
• Tolkein wrote a lot of songs in his books, which were license of sillyness on his behalf, and are incredibly goofy when put to tune here. This is almost a musical in the sheer number of songs belted out, including a song about washing dishes, a sad history of the dwarves, and a folk tune about adventuring — and that’s just in the first TEN MINUTES!

Groovy Quotes:

Bilbo Baggins: I’m Mr. Bilbo Baggins, I’ve lost my dwarves, my wizard and my way.

Bilbo Baggins: A box without hinges, key, or a lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.
Gollum: Eggs! Eggs is the answer.

Thorin: May the hair on his toes never fall off!

Gandalf the Grey: I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means ME!

Bilbo Baggins: No hat, no stick, no pipe, not even a pocket handkerchief. How can one survive?

Thorin: Child of the kindly west, I have come to know: if more of us valued your ways, food and cheer, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. But sad or merry I must leave it now. Farewell.

If You Liked This Movie, Try These:

• Lord of the Rings (1978)
• Return of the King (1980)
• Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings