Heather: Another year, another huge list of movies to shoot down. Seriously, if I didn’t know me better I’d think I don’t like any movies at all. Are my twenty-nine years of age weighing me down with cynicism, or is the 2013 movie landscape just that barren? Eunice and I have teamed up this year to bring you lots of wild speculation and stupid jokes about this year in film so that you might be better able to answer that question.
Eunice: As excited as I am to get going on this article, I gotta agree, 2013 seems an especially bleak and downright harsh year for movies. Even so, I will continue to look on the bright side of life, remember to whistle, and try to see the good in my movies. But the stupid jokes are a must.
Heather: I’m taking on the movies coming out January through June and Eunice has July through September. At the end of January-June Eunice will write a response to what I had to say about each month’s movies and I’ll do the same for her outlook on July-December. Everybody got it? On with the show!
What I’m Avoiding:
If doing these articles for the past two years has taught me anything it’s that January tends to be the landfill month of the movie year. Hollywood seems to prefer to get their most boring crap out of the way at the beginning of the year so that we forget about it by the time they bring out the big guns in March. For example this month kicked off with Texas Chainsaw 3D. Even looking at the title Texas Chainsaw 3D makes me feel dumber. Speaking of low IQs we also get another Wayans horror spoof (A Haunted House) and another gritty fairytale retelling (the originally planned for 2012 release Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) this month. Color me depressed.
Eh, I Might See It:
Taking up the bulk of the month’s releases is a slew of action/comedy/thriller films (A Dark Truth, Gangster Squad, Broken City, The Last Stand, Parker) that, if their posters and titles are to be believed, will make a great sleep aid. The only exception is The Last Stand, which features a claymation Schwarzenegger-shaped monstrosity shooting off a belt-fed phallus at the audience while Tank Girl looks on with glee. The movie looks like crap, but I need to have that poster on my wall.
The Money Can’t Leave My Wallet Fast Enough:
The only two movies that have a possibility of getting my butt in the theater are Mama (A Spanish horror film executive produced by Guillermo del Toro) and Movie 43. The trailer for the latter is confusing as all get-out, and the poster is just an awful mess, but it still interests me because it A) has one of the largest celebrity ensemble casts in history and B) has twelve different story lines directed by as many people. This could either be a successful, exciting film or a horribly entertaining pile of dung. Honorable mention goes to John Dies At The End, based on the novel by Cracked.com’s David Wong. I say honorable mention because it won’t be get me into theaters as it’s already been available to watch via pretty much any on-demand streaming service for a month now, but I will absolutely be watching it. A movie directed by the guy who did Bubba Ho-Tep, starring Paul Giamatti, and based on a novel by David Wong is genetically engineered to acquire my money.
Eunice: Okay, well it’s no secret that I actually want to see Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, and since I’ve said that many times I’ll move on. ‘30s gangsters are one of my favorite tropes, blame it on The Untouchables at an impressionable age, so Gangster Squad actually had a shot at getting me in a theater until it started snowing. Mama looks promising, but after getting burned so bad by the Woman in Black last year I’m wary. As for Movie 42, big pass. I’m just really confused by the cast (there has to be blackmail going on here), but that does not change the fact that it looks like a ______ Movie movie, so again, big pass. John Dies at the End is hands down the best looking movie for January this year.
What I’m Avoiding:
February is more promising on the whole but it has its share of awful-looking films, as well. For instance I barely got through the trailer for Beautiful Creatures (A.K.A. Twilight With Witches) with my sanity intact. Listening to two minutes of those ludicrous “Southern” accents was enough; there is no way I’d suffer them through an entire movie. Escape from Planet Earth is the year’s first kids’ film and I hope the most boring one we have to look forward to. I couldn’t be less interested in whether or not the aliens in the film are able to accomplish the movie’s titular mission. As for Safe Haven, I never watch Nicholas Sparks movies. If you do, well, now you know another one is coming out. The trailer for Dark Skies initially had me interested, because I’m ready for another serious alien abduction film, but then Keri Russel started banging her head on a glass door repeatedly and all of this movie’s atmosphere was lost in her dead-eyed stare.
Eh, I Might See It:
Sylvester Stallone’s back this month with Bullet to the Head, and marveling at how good Sly still looks was the most entertainment I got out of the trailer. The “Grizzled fighter who promised a woman that he was gonna quit but he just can’t seem to get out of the game” thing is right up there with rom-coms featuring the Third-Act Misunderstanding as sure-fire Heather Repellant(tm). Bonus Boredom: Sly has a young, Asian-American partner with whom he exchanges “comedic” racist banter. These jokes just write themselves (and have been for the past thirty years). An action movie I actually might head to the theaters for is Snitch. Dwayne Johnson plays a trucker who infiltrates a drug cartel as an undercover informer to gain freedom for his wrongfully-arrested son. Now that’s fun for the whole family! Identity Thief I could be persuaded to go see, but probably won’t. I love Bateman, and McCarthy is a real force as a comedic actress, but I didn’t get any laughs from the trailer. Then there’s the drama Side Effects. The way it’s described (a woman spiraling into drug abuse as she awaits her husband’s release from jail) has the seeds of an interesting plot, but that trailer is all over the place. I have absolutely no idea what is going on there or how to feel about any of it. A Good Day To Die Hard, on the other hand, is easy to figure out; I just figure I don’t give a crap.
The Money Can’t Leave My Wallet Fast Enough:
A Glimpse Into the Mind of Charles Swan III sports another trailer I can barely make sense of, but unlike Side Effects this one snagged my interest. An off-beat mind-trip of a comedy can get away with a trailer that’s all over the place, especially since it has Bill Motherluvin’ Murray in it. Stand Up Guys caught me completely unprepared for how great it looks. Walken and Pacino seem to make a fantastic team as a best friend-turned-hitman and his mark enjoying his last few hours alive together. Still, if I see nothing else in February I want to see Warm Bodies. I can’t argue with anyone who’s burned out on zombie movies, but I can’t think of any other film about a zombie falling in love with a human and that love beginning to bring him back to life. What I said makes it sound schmaltzy, but it looks like it’s going to be a witty comedy and my must-see for the month.
Eunice: I know I shouldn’t, but I kinda want to see Bullet to the Head, my mind tells me it’s going to be bad, but my heart -my heart people!- wants it and all the other ‘80s throwback action flicks coming out this year to be entertaining at a minimum. Snitch, kinda follows this retro pattern, only back to the ‘70s with the vigilante parent trying to save his kid. I’m also in a more positive mind set for A Good Day to Die Hard than my compatriot. Along with Stand Up Guys and Warm Bodies, AGDtDH is one of the few movies I might actually go to a theater to see in February. Speaking of Warm Bodies, if it sticks to the book there’s no sex, so if you were worried about any zombie lovin’ squick factor we should be safe. I know Identity Thief is going to try to make me like McCarthy’s character by the end, but that will only fill me with rage (I like the actress, but the character nope), so pass altogether. My sister in-law will eventually make me watch Safe Haven, resistance is futile.
What I’m Avoiding:
Time for the big guns, baby! Will they blow a hole through your entertainment-hungry face or spit bullets that bounce flaccidly off your muscular, unimpressed chest? The answer is: Eeeeehhhhh. Jack the Giant Slayer, previously titled Jack the Giant Killer and intended for a summer 2012 release, is one we already discussed and we made it pretty clear that we’re not going to be watching this one. Next is Last Exorcism 2-Another title that makes my IQ hurt. I didn’t watch the first Last and I won’t be watching this Last. Phantom-Military movies aren’t my thing, but if they’re your thing then this Ed Harris-helmed (har) movie about submarines could be for you. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone makes me sad. I love all these actors, but that trailer just did not do me any good. Everything just felt so forced. I love a good laugh at an inept magician (Job, please come back into my life) but I’m not interested in that kind of movie-length awkwardness. I can’t find a trailer for Olympus Has Fallen, but judging on the plot alone (Korean terrorist try to take over the White House and are holding the President hostage) I’m just gonna turn my head as it sinks. G.I. Joe: Retaliation? Ahem…G.I. Noooooooooaaahaha just kill me. Last of the crap I’m not paying money for is The Host-written by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame. On to The Call, formerly named The Hive. I can barely find any information on this film. I can only find a one-sentence description of the plot: Halle Berry plays a 911 dispatcher who risks her life to help track down a kidnapped teenager who called for help. Since when do dispatchers go out and kung fu kidnappers in the face? I’m skipping it. Lastly Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor is one I could almost see myself renting, but then I remember that I really don’t have any interest in most Tyler Perry movies. I also don’t enjoy movies about someone who cheats on their spouse because someone sexy and new comes along and refuses to leave them alone until NewandSexy can bed them. N&S always turns out to be a cartoonishly evil person and the Tempted Spouse sees how idiotic they were to ever leave their devoted spouse rather than work on their marriage problems.
Eh, I Might See It:
Not everything this month looks absolutely terrible. 21 and Over‘s trailer made me chuckle once (the “get down” bit, if you’re curious), but a movie about friends taking their newly-21 buddy out for a night of debauchery just doesn’t strike a chord with me. I could rent it for a big group get-together but it’s not something I’d pay theater money for. Tina Fey has a comedy called Admission coming out following a college admissions officer (Fey) and how her world is turned upside down when confronted with a gifted child who may have been the one she gave up years ago. I love Fey, but I’m not convinced about this one. It doesn’t help that the trailer left me feeling as if I’ve already watched the movie and that a trip to the theater would only serve to fill in some holes. It’s a rental. As I watched the action-packed trailer for Dead Man Down, though, I was at a solid maybe. That is until the end credits popped up and told me that WWE studios is putting this out. I quickly made a cross with my fingers and tried to wash the disappointment off of my face.
The Money Can’t Leave My Wallet Fast Enough:
Stoker, influenced by Hitchcok’s Shadow of a Doubt, looks intriguing, dark, creepy, and perverted. It’s from the director of Oldboy, and that alone gets me halfway to the theater. Oz the Great and Powerful has me already mentally standing at the doors waiting to get a ticket. I am absolutely gonna watch this one. I’ve been making fun of the various gritty fairy-tale movies coming out this year, but I’m looking foward to Oz. It’s directed by Sam Raimi (with a cameo by Bruce Campbell!) and stars James Franco as Oz. Baum’s world is well suited to these films and I’m uncharacteristically excited about a prequel. Place Beyond the Pines is the first drama of the year that I am genuinely looking forward to. Ryan Gosling plays a father breaking the law in order to provide for the son he just found out about. His actions get him into trouble and later pursued by the cops, led by Bradley Cooper’s character. Rounding out a pretty lackluster month is The Croods, a DreamWorks film following a prehistoric family as they discover the world outside their cave. Their timing couldn’t be worse, as the world is ending. I’m not super pumped up about the voice acting, although Emma Stone and Cloris Leachman sound great, but it looks alright.
Eunice: I agree almost totally this month… Except for Dead Man Down, WWE studios and the repulsive Colin Farrell and all. Otherwise, March is mostly like going through a playlist and all the music on it is mediocre or out and out bad. “Next, next, next…” I held out vague hope for Jack the Giant Slayer until I saw a trailer for it, and wow an extremely quiet negative energy filled the theater afterwards. A big no. Place Beyond the Pines (is it just me or does it feel like Ryan Gosling is trying to become Steve McQueen, anyone else getting that vibe?), Oz the Great and Powerful, and Stoker (stoke her? I don’t even know her! *ba dum bum*) are the only movies I want to see, and they all have theater potential. Finally, I’m not going to just completely pass on The Host just because Stephanie Meyer’s name is attached. I haven’t read the book, but the trailer looked really promising. Will I go to see it? Nah, but a rental, sure. Another GI Joe just makes me weep for humanity.
What I’m Avoiding:
Things start to get interesting in April. There are more good movies than bad, but boy does that bad ever try to make up for it. Andre Gregory: Before and After Dinner, the first movie out in April, is a documentary about director Andre Gregory by his wife. I wish the movie no ill will but I have no interest at all in this kind of stuff. Jurassic Park 3D is…look, I’m just really not a fan of taking movies not shot in 3D and then converting them to the format. That movie was great as is, I don’t need any gimmicks. *grabs cane and shakes it at the screen* Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll grab my Benadryl and some Nyquil and take a nap under my quilt. Upstream Color I’m just not feeling. That trailer left me 31 flavors of confused, and it has an artsy, indie feel to it that makes me think I’d rather watch it at home where I can analyze it. Scary Movie 5-Nope! Pain and Gain- “An action film directed by Michael Bay” is the strongest insult in the English language.
Eh, I Might See It:
Disconnect is another movie this year with more than one storyline going on. From the description I’ve read one story revolves around a husband and wife’s failing marriage and how their reaction (using the Internet to console them in different ways) causes a huge upset that they have to work together to fix. The other story focus on a story of cyber-bullying (this one stars Bateman). With no trailer out yet I’m a bit skeptical of this making its release date. I’ll likely just rent it. The Big Wedding, which is about (surprise) a wedding is made up of a strong cast, but I don’t think it’s enough to pull me into the theater. It’s a romantic comedy about a groom’s devout Catholic mother coming to her son’s wedding and now the bride’s parents have to pretend to still be married. Hilarity ensues! With so many more interesting things coming out this month I don’t see myself forking over another twelve bucks for this. As for 42 I don’t generally care for biographies, and especially not sports biographies, but the trailer for this one really grabbed my attention as a film I wouldn’t hate to see if my friends dragged me to it.
The Money Can’t Leave My Wallet Fast Enough:
The Heat got me excited for it back when its trailer came on before The Hobbit. It’s not often you see a female cop comedy duo, and I have high hopes for Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. Evil Dead. Evil Dead, Evil Dead, Evil Dead. I’m very skeptical. I don’t really get why Raimi’s redoing something that is so precious to its fans but he seems excited about it, and the director, so maybe this will be a great new addition to the Evil Dead family. I’ll absolutely be checking this out in the theater, because how cool will it be to see an Evil Dead film in theaters? Oblivion is another one that I saw the trailer while waiting on The Hobbit and I was completely drawn into its world. It looks like we’ll be getting a few movies out this year that explore Earth after civilization has left it, but this movie has me excited about its story (based on the graphic novel by the same name) of a drone repairman who believes he is completely alone on the planet until things get real different real quick.
Eunice: We match again this month, for movies that we’re passing on. The trailer for The Heat reminded me of 1988’s Feds, and the more I thought about it the more I realized that may have been the last female buddy cop comedy made, so strong possibility here. Oblivion looks good. Period. I don’t know if I’m sold on the Evil Dead remake, I may have to wait for some feedback from trusted friends, but falling under horror it’ll be a home watch if I can get past my prejudices. As someone who generally does like military-ish movies, Phantom still just fills me with disappointment watching the trailer *sad face*.
What I’m Avoiding:
About Time-So apparently it’s a science fiction comedy film, or a science-y rom-com. And maybe it comes out in February. The information available for this film is confusing. All of that, plus a non-existent trailer leads me to believe this film isn’t happening (at least not in May). I can’t even tell whether or not I should be disappointed by that. The Great Gatsby we touched on last year, when it was supposed to come out. All I could find about We The Peeples is it’s been called Meet the Parents done by Tyler Perry. Pass. And let’s just keep right on passing ’til we get far, far away from Black Rock. Oh, this trailer. It’s like The Most Dangerous Game, but with three men hunting three women. The acting was terrible, although that could be due to the idiot dialogue, and the trailer was pitch black almost the entire time. It’s also worth nothing that I haven’t seen such a strange ending shot in a trailer before. There is no way I will ever see this. Speaking of that, Fast and Furious 6! Hahahaha. No. Another trailer-less mystery is The Purge. I’m not so spoiled that I have to have a trailer, but when there is also hardly any information on a film I don’t tend to think good things about it. What little I could find is here, taken straight from IMDB: “Given the country’s overcrowded prisons, the U.S. government begins to allow 12-hour periods of time in which all illegal activity is legal. During one of these free-for-alls, a family must protect themselves from a home invasion.” That sounds incredibly stupid.
Eh, I Might See It:
Star Trek: Into Darkness is one I’m going to hang a caveat on. I will go see this if someone really wants me to go with them and I re-watch the Stark Trek film that came out a couple of years ago. I’m no Trekkie or Trekker, so my interest level is pretty low. The Hangover III is another Netflix rental for me. I loved the first one, never got around to the second one (which I hear was disappointing anyway), so I feel no urgency to spend money on it.
The Money Can’t Leave My Wallet Fast Enough:
Now we’re on to the good stuff, as little as there is. When I read the title Iron Man 3 out of the May lineup I sang it. Out loud. Accompanied by jazz hands. That’s all the preview you need. Watch it. Epic is a movie that is slowly growing on me. I haven’t been able to get the trailer out of my head since I watched it last year (whoever decided to use part one of Snow Patrol’s “The Lightning Strike” is a genius). When I watched the original trailer I was completely entranced by the music and the visuals until the characters started talking at the end, at which point the magic was gone and I figured I’d forget about this movie. I didn’t forget about it. Then I saw the second trailer, which still has a focus on visuals but also lets us in on more of the story and character relationships (and still uses that awesome song). I just wish the voice acting lineup didn’t look so lackluster. I mean…Pitbull? Regardless, this looks like a film that needs to be seen in theaters, and I plan to do so.
Eunice: Star Trek: Into Darkness is something I’m all over. Theaterworthy, no caveats. Same for Iron Man 3. I am so pumped for The Great Gatsby, but when a movie gets pushed back that hard, it’s usually not a good sign. And here’s the point where I lose all credibility and respect and say, as a rental, I might not mind Fast and Furious 6. As mindless fun, the last two weren’t that bad okay? Just, shut up.
What I’m Avoiding:
June is looking mighty skimpy for a blockbuster month. I know I’m judging this early (then again, that’s the point), but After Earth is the epitome of how watching a trailer in theaters can color your perception. It looks big and epic up there, and for a moment you think “That might be cool!” But then you get home and reconsider and that’s where this movie falls apart. Will Smith and his son crash land their spaceship on Earth That Was and have to figure out how to survive the planet, which is now overrun by all manner of things that find humans tasty. For all the pretty effects that initially impressed me I can’t shake the nagging feeling that this really looks like a snoozer. Will Ferrel’s first film of the year, The Internship, sounds like a lame duck, as well. Again there’s no trailer, but since I’m not a fan of Ferrel’s childish wailing it probably wouldn’t do the film any favors. Two laid-off men in their 40’s go for an internship at an Internet company run by guys in their 20’s, and if that’s not a sleepy concept I don’t know what is. This is the End is a divisive movie. Most of me thinks it looks awful, and the rest of me thinks it looks fantastically awful. It’s a shame, since I love just about everyone in that movie. You’re pretty much guaranteed to lose me if your trailer starts off with some d-bag making “All you dudes are gay har har” jokes for a minute straight. World Wait looks like r Z! Hello again, Rejects of 2012! White House Down. Oh for crap’s sake, this is getting ridiculously bad. Okay, Olympus Has Fallen, which one of you guys stole the script from the other? I already know who took the dumber name.
Eh, I Might See It:
Monsters University fares a tiny bit better, but it feels like a misfire. The thing about the first one is that it had the adorable Boo and a very charming relationship between her and Sully. That was the glue that really held the film together. MU, which goes back to Sully and Mike’s college days, screams “We’re cashing in!” It also screams rrrrrrrrental! The trailer for Now You See Me is the biggest of surprises I’ve had looking at these six months. It takes a description (FBI chases bank-robbing magicians) that sounds like a complete joke and turns it into a movie that looks like something I want to see. Dark sorcery, I tell you!
The Money Can’t Leave My Wallet Fast Enough:
Much Ado About Nothing is based on one of the few Shakespeare works I haven’t read. Now if you’ve noticed anything about me throughout this article or in the types of films I review you know I do not care for romances at all. Even so, giving Joss Whedon (who is already renowned for his own fantastic wordplay) a chance to adapt a work of Shakespeare’s (also known a bit for his wordplay), has to yield good results. Also Nathan Fillion’s in it, which means my money is now engaged to this movie. Man of Steel didn’t look particularly interesting (at least from the trailer I caught before The Hobbit), and I’m not a Superman fan, but I’ll be seeing this because my husband is a serious Supes junkie. That being said, even he’s not excited about MoS. Far be it from me to criticize a series I know almost nothing about, but how about we have less General Zod and Lex Luthor and more Doomsday, Darkseid, Bizarro, Brainiac…the list goes on. Is it just me that thinks that most of the Superman films have felt more like flaccid romances than kick-ass action? Speaking of which, I didn’t see the first Kick-Ass in theaters. That is a thing I will always regret, but I’ll make up for it by going to see Kick-Ass 2! It’s pretty much the best thing I have to look forward to this month.
Eunice: This article’s worth it just for the fact I hadn’t heard of Now You See Me yet. Heist movie, Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, magicians, I’m there! I’ll probably go see Man of Steel, but Superman Returns left such an awful, awful taste in my mouth. The franchise needs a complete restart, I just hope the final product isn’t naval gazing-y as the trailer makes it look, and I don’t know how I feel about Papa Kent telling Clark he should let a school bus full of kids die. Much Ado About Nothing has me just so so happy. While Twelfth Night is probably my favorite of the comedies, Beatrice and Benedick, and Dogberry, are some of my favorite Shakespearean characters. While I can get behind Nathan Fillion as Dogberry, if he would’ve been Benedick it would’ve been like Joss was reading my mind. Kick-Ass 2, I’m interested, but it’s got Jim Carey, which triggers some aversion on part. World War Z, already have people to go see this with, but I really loved the book, mostly because of it’s scope, the movie looks like it’s only going to really focus on Brad Pitt’s character. While the part on the trailer with the mass of zombies trying to get over/through the wall looks appropriately apocalyptic, I have bad feelings on this one (I Am Legend bad levels).
I wish I could stick to the format Heather’s using, but the truth is that there’s very few movies in the second half of 2013 that I can even be bothered to give more than a passing glance much less be excited about. So I decided that a week by week rundown worked better for me.
July’s most interesting offerings are sequels and adaptations. July 3 starts us off with Despicable Me 2. I thought the first one was insanely cute, for those who need a reminder it was about a criminal genius (Gru voiced by Steve Carell) -and his army of Minions- who adopts three orphan girls and is changed by the power of twu wuv. I really have very little idea of what the sequel is supposed to be about as the only thing I’m finding in the way of plot synopsis is “The return of Gru (Steve Carell), the girls, the minions and a host of new characters.” The trailer has the minions getting snatched and I can tell you Al Pacino is going to lend his voice, but that’s all I got. Still I’m interested, so I’ll be looking out for more details on DM2, probably a rental though. Also on the third is The Lone Ranger movie. I saw the trailer for this before The Hobbit, and my feelings are mixed. It kinda had me until Johnny Depp as Tonto and the stuff with Silver was just goofy, oh and since Johnny is in it you know Helena Bonham Carter is too. It really makes me think Jonah Hex, a movie I don’t think any studio wants associated with an upcoming title, and Jerry Bruckheimer’s name being plastered all over doesn’t help that impression. It’s only got two things going for it: 1. I like the Lone Ranger story, a Texas Ranger is presumed dead after being ambushed by some nogoodnicks but was saved by Tonto who owed him a life debt and the two carry out masked vigilante justice in the Old West. 2. Armie Hammer was AMAZING in J. Edgar. Rental maybe, we’ll see how it goes.
Everything you need to know about Pacific Rim in one sentence: Guillermo del Toro directs a movie about human piloted giant robots fighting kaiju monsters. So excited, theater worthy all the way! If you need to know more than that, Pacific Rim carries on 2013’s en vogue ‘Earth get’s invaded’/’ruined earth future’ stories, only instead of aliens or returning humans, this time giant monsters rise from the ocean’s depths to stomp stuff and cause havoc, cue groop of plucky earthlings defend the world in giant mechanized suits for some rock ‘em sock ‘em goodness. Grown Ups 2 also comes out that day, which nobody cares about.
DreamWorks’ Turbo, the story of a snail (Ryan Reynolds) who dreams of being a racer, is considered an outsider by the other snails for wanting to be fast, gets super speed powers and wants to go toe to slime with the IndyCar world. Mixed in is the underdog theme and the power of friendship theme. The animation for this looks great, I love the cast, but this is a completely insane idea for a movie, and it seems almost too Cars-y, y’know? While I like weird, I tend to avoid seeing DreamWorks movies in theater because of the crowd of kids factor. There’s another Ryan Reynolds movie out on the same day, R.I.P.D. Based on Dark Horse’s Rest In Peace Department, it’s about a slain officer who joins a supernatural squad of undead cops who help the dead to “rest in peace.” Wow, this must’ve been in production forever, because I remember reporting on this back when I was still doing the Mutant News. There’s no trailer yet for this action comedy, but Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges as undead cops could possibly make me want to go to a theater. The only horror movie of note for July, The Conjuring, is directed by James Wan (I haven’t seen any of his movies since I’ve never wanted to watch Saw and the trailer for Insidious scared the crap out of me). Set in the 1970’s, The Conjuring is about paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren helping a family of seven who are haunted by evil spirits, in particular a bad witch.
Finally, on the 26th we have The Wolverine. Hugh Jackman returns in the role that made him a household name, this time “Wolverine travels to Japan to train with a samurai warrior.” That’s it that’s all I got to work on (Heather got all the movies with “trailers” and “published plot synopsis”) Way back when on the boards, I described X-Men Origins: Wolverine as follows: “There are some, actually quite a few, logic problems that are dealt with as follows: ‘Wait, that doesn’t make any se- Oh, ‘splosion!’”…”They could’ve called it ‘Hugh Jackman Looks Fine in a Pair of Jeans. Damn Fine.’” Doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to the theater for this one, because superhero movies are best in theaters, it has Hugh Jackman, and it has Hiroyuki Sanada. It can’t be any cheesier than it’s predecessor right?
Heather-I did luck out on the trailers, didn’t I? I didn’t truly appreciate trailers until I had to review movies without one.
Despicable Me was an adorable movie, and one that I didn’t regret being forced to watch by my friend. I didn’t see it in theaters, but it made a great little flick to see on the small screen. I won’t be heartbroken if I miss it in theaters, but I sure won’t object to going. I have zero interest in J. Edgar, even as a rental. I’m on the fence about The Lone Ranger. I love Johnny Depp. I really, really do, but I am so afraid that this movie is going to focus too much on him. If I want to watch him Depp-ing all over the place I’ll re-watch the Pirates of the Carribean series. This isn’t a movie I feel that I must see in theaters, but I might if I have people interested in going with me. I will be going to see Pacific Rim, though. I don’t remember the last time I felt enthused about a movie like this, but PR has me in its claws (Ha. ‘Cause there are monsters. Get it?). At the very least I’m happy to see GLaDOS getting work again (Outdated video game references, ho!). Grown Ups 2? WHY?! I agree that Turbo looks very Cars-y, and for that reason I’m passing on it big time, but I’ll be in theaters to see Reynolds in R.I.P.D. I’m glancing right on by The Conjuring, which I have no interest in, and focusing on Hugh Hotpants Jackman. Wolverine, Japan, Jackman. Those three words are all I need to hear and you’ve got my money. Also, as you said, superhero films are best seen in theaters. Do I think it’ll be good? Sadly, I don’t have high hopes after that Origins mess.
August the month of my birth, let’s get this party started…
…With a pair of probably ill advised sequels. The thought of 300: Rise of An Empire kinda gives me hives. Now for a mostly mindless action flick about mostly naked greased up warriors with groovy effects and slo-mo I unapologetically enjoyed 300. This time around however the story will focus on Themistocles and the Battle of Artemisium. History nerd that I am I’ve always found Themistocles to be the more interesting person from this conflict (brains are way sexy, yo) and I’m a fan of Eva Green. But I just cannot see how this is a good idea. Maybe if in execution it doesn’t tie itself to 300? Until I see something that changes my mind, this is a solid rental with a fearful “meh” attached to it. I do, however, hold out hope for Red 2, mostly because of how much I loved the first one. Bruce Willis comes back as retired CIA badass Frank Moses, this time traveling the globe for reasons involving nuclear missile devices after being targeted for a hit. I actually am not going to completely condemn A Good Day to Die Hard out of hand, I still believe that Willis can pull off the put upon smart alecky hero, likewise I wont dismiss Red 2 as a contender. I realize I may be setting myself up for disappointment, but with a good chunk of the cast returning (especially John Malkovich and Helen Mirren) and a decent looking trailer, I’m predicting another date friendly action comedy.
The big one this week will be Elysium. Continuing horrible future Earth sci-fi this year, the lower classes still live on Earth while the rich live on a space station called Elysium. AKA Matt Damon (poor guy) vs Jodie Foster (evil rich security guy, I expect she’ll be wearing a painfully tight looking evil ponytail). Actually I understated when I said this was the big one for the week, this is actually the big one for the month. Disney’s Planes sounds like… every other Disney Pixar movie. Much like Turbo, the trailer for Planes looks gorgeous, but I have little to no interest in actually seeing it. Originally a straight-to-DVD Cars spin-off, Dusty the plane wants to do air races, but he’s afraid of heights. There you go.
If Elysium has competition in August it’ll be Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters. “Percy Jackson, the son of Poseidon, continues his epic journey to fulfill his destiny, as he teams with his demigod friends to retrieve the Golden Fleece, which has the power to save their home and training ground, Camp Half-Blood.” I have no idea what any of that means, since I haven’t read the books (yet, I keep forgetting to borrow them from my nephew) or seen the first movie (again yet, look I’ve been busy okay), but I predict this’ll be as big a hit as the first one, and that for me it’ll be a rental, eventually if I ever get around to watching the first one. But the title this week I’m more interested in seeing is 2 Guns, it has a twisty plot and a good cast. Two guys investigating each other and being tricked to steal money for the mob? Oh I’m all for that, please be good, movie. The To-Do List got bumped from February, and -since the trailer kinda made me vomit in my mouth a little and I’m not actually paid to do this- that’s all I’m saying about that.
August 23 sees the last note worthy movie of the month. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is paranormal teen bate who’s poster is a total ripoff of 10th Kingdom. But, call me the Pollyanna of movie reviewers, it looks interesting. Pretty teens with supernatural powers fighting baddies, yeah I know it’s probably terrible, but rental worthy.
It’s kinda ho hum after that. Satanic is a maybe, but I need more info.
Heather- I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to watch the 300 sequel in theaters. This is one that will entirely depend upon whether or not I know anyone that just really wants me to see it with them. I didn’t see Red, but after having read your review I’m going to check it out before August rolls around to see if I’m as enamored with it as you are. If so, I might just have a movie to look forward to in August. Everything else coming out this month depresses me. I have no interest in Elyisum, no strong feelings either way about Percy Jackson (like you, I have no experience with the series), The To-Do List is a stupid, unfunny premise (teenager trying to get sexually experienced) that has more than worn out its welcome with me, and Mortal Instruments unfortunately doesn’t interest me as much as it does you. I do agree with you about its poster ripping off 10th Kingdom; it’s distracting how exactly the same they are. As for Planes, it just makes me sad.
Why does September have to be filled with sequels and despair?
Okay, I really loved Pitch Black, when it came out it was a movie I knew nothing about and decent sci-fi survival horror. Chronicles of Riddick was a bloated mess. Last we saw Vin Riddick, he just killed some space grand poobah and accidentally became king of everything. This time, Riddick has to fight against betrayers, aliens, and bounty hunters. I’m hoping this third outing rights itself instead of going further under.
While not the release I’m most looking forward to, I’m going to start this round with dance battle movie Battle of the Year. Sawyer from Lost is a burned out ex-basketball coach hired to shape up some break dancers for the BOTY (*points to title*). Looks very Take the Lead. I would say we could make a cliche related drinking game for watching the trailer, but I don’t want to be held responsible for anyone’s alcohol poisoning. More on my radar is I, Frankenstein where Frankenstein’s creature is still alive in a modern gothic metropolis. Anything with Bill Nighy is an auto watch for me, but with Aaron Eckhart playing The Monster/Adam and Miranda Otto in the cast I’m feeling good about this one. Even though it got pushed back… and it’s a limited release, two red flags. The second of Robert Rodriguez’s Machete trilogy, Machete Kills, is also out this week. This time Machete goes to Mexico to fight a criminal with a space weapon on orders from the government. You know, I still haven’t seen the first one of this either, geeze!
Rush is a movie I hadn’t heard of before researching for this article, and I don’t know much about Formula 1 racing, but it looks like it might be really good. Directed by Ron Howard and starring Daniel Bruhl and Chris Hemsworth as Niki Lauda and James Hunt, respectively, this ’70s set biopic is on the watch list. Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal should make anything an instant watch for me, but I may have to give Prisoners a pass. I’m not saying I think it’ll be bad, but it’s about kidnapped kids being held captive and a father (Jackman) taking the law into his own hands, and I just have a real problem with kids in peril movies. Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones gets a limited 3-D rerelease this week too.
Is it wrong that I’m kinda digging this ’80s/early ’90s testosterone fueled action revival? It fills me with evil glee! The Tomb is yet another movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone -bwahahaha!- along with Vincent D’Onofrio, Jim Caviezel, Sam Neill, and Vinnie Jones. Stallone and Schwarzenegger have to escape a top notch high security prison. I’m in. Runner, Runner has an interesting cast, but is one of those movies I can only find a one sentence description on: “A businessman who owns an offshore gambling operation finds his relationship with his protégé reaching a boiling point.” Possible rental. Finally is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, which this time has “mutant food beasts.” I didn’t see the first of this one, probably won’t see the second unless my nieces and nephews make me.
Heather-Words fail to describe how uninterested I am in seeing Riddick. I, like you, enjoyed Pitch Black but I can’t remember anything about Chronicles of Riddick. Pass. I hate dance-off movies, so Battle of the Year is an absolute pass. I do not share your optimism for I, Frankenstein although I really want to. I just can’t help thinking that this sounds terrible. As for Machete Kills, I haven’t seen the first one and won’t be seeing this one, either. Rush, though, is a maybe. I generally like Ron Howard as a director, and I don’t have any dislike for Hemsworth or Wilde, but biography dramas are not my cup of tea. I don’t hate them, and oftentimes if forced to watch one I’ll like it well enough, but they don’t pull me into theater seats. Kids in peril movies don’t pull me in either, but I can’t give a movie starring Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhall a pass. Those guys are just too good for me to not see Prisoners. Star Wars II 3D exists. As for your love of the ’80s/90’s action film revival there absolutely is nothing wrong with it. I don’t share your enthusiasm for it, though I wish I did. Maybe if the sense of humor and silliness harkens back to those goofy old films (like The Last Stand appears to) I’ll start getting interested. The world could always use some more Commando. Runner, Runner doesn’t sound interesting to me, even as a rental, but Cloudy 2 has a strong chance. I saw the first one via Netflix and thought it was okay, so I’ll probably check out the sequel when the mail rental company picks it up.
…Wait I can’t just skip the month? Fine!
I’m not sure how I feel about Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, on the one hand I loved the first one and they got a lot of the original team back, on the other it’s been SEVEN YEARS. I can feel myself wanting to like it, but my gut tells me I’m going to be really really disappointed. I could be wrong, but when I read the write up for Gravity it makes me think Open Water… IN SPACE! Two astronauts, Sandra Bullock and George Clooney, go into space, the ship gets destroyed and then they’re stranded to die. So yeah, foreseeably a pass. Paranoia looks like a definite rental as a corporate intrigue thriller with an excellent cast. I’m not big on your average Vince Vaughn comedy, but if you are then The Delivery Man should be for you. A loser finds out he has 533 children from sperm donations he made twenty years ago. Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith gets its turn at a 3-D rerelease.
Most notable this week will be the Oldboy remake starring Josh Brolin. My remake hives just break out and- I just- No. Remember when teenage sex=death in horror, well in Haunts it triggers “the opening of a terrifying alternate reality of the house.” And all I hear in my mind is “It’s like Coraline, with sex.” The Devil’s Rapture will either be good in an old Hammer films horror storyline way, or be terrible. At this point I’m clutching at straws, people. In a small commune, there are murders surrounding a prophecy about five girls with the same birthday who are turning eighteen.
Based off the first book in the The Wardstone Chronicles series, The Seventh Son sounds like a throwback to ’80s fantasy. An evil witch needing to be stopped by a grizzled knight and his new apprentice, an apprentice who happens to be the seventh son of the seventh son. Who do I think I’m kidding with my snarkiness? I’ll be all for this one, as it’ll probably be my quick fix while waiting for the next Hobbit. Malavita has Robert De Niro and Michelle Pfeiffer playing the husband and wife in a crime family who get relocated to France by Witness Protection, and revert to their old ways. Directed by Luc Besson, my interest is piqued. I only have this to say about Carrie: No. No, no, no! NO! I can sing it opera style if you’d like *ahem* NNNNNOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOoooooo!
Hey! There is a movie in October I want to see! Edgar Wright’s The World’s End is about drinking, friendship, drinking, the literal end of the world, and drinking. It stars usual suspects Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, and Eddie Marsan as the friends. Paranormal Activity 5 will be coming out, and I have no idea how much further this series will be able to go on, and I’m a fan. My prediction? The numbers will be so bad that this’ll be the last theatrically released Paranormal Activity movie.
Heather-I really like the original Sin City. The amount of years that have passed since it came out aren’t putting me off of the sequel at all; in fact I’m thinking (hoping) that this just means all those involved have given the movie the proper attention it needs. I’m going to be at the theater with bells on, my friend. It’s a good thing, too, because just about everything this month is a huge “no” for me. The upside to that third Star Wars 3D re-release happening is that I can finally stop talking about the Star Wars 3D re-releases that are happening. Too bad I can’t say the same for the concept of re-releasing movies in 3D. Speaking of awful things, I wish I could live in a world where an Oldboy remake didn’t happen. The original is a masterpiece and not only is a remake stupid, insulting, and unnecessary, but I don’t see how they’re going to make what happens in it (you know what I’m talking about) palatable to the average American audience. I have more apathy toward the Carrie remake than blind rage, but “It doesn’t make me as angry as Oldboy” is the best I can say for it. I’m not too excited about The Seventh Son. It sounds promising, but I need more info (and a trailer, please) to be persuaded. The only one I’m looking forward to this month is The World’s End and oh, how I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been chomping at the bit for another Wright/Pegg/Frost team up and this one sounds fantastic. After the havoc that Paul caused my heart I finally feel like I’m getting my friends back. Referring to the people in the magic picture box as “friends” is normal, right?
“It’s like Coraline with sex!” And with that sentence Eunice launched the most successful Hott Topic line of merchandise the world has ever known.
Three months! Three months with no movies I’d be willing to mingle with the unwashed masses to go see. Oh woes! Oh spite! Fie! “Fie,” I say! But soft, what is this… ’tis November. Yea, November doth bring the beginnings of glad tidings after a season of drought as yon studios make bids for Oscar recognition right at the end of the year.
Ender’s Game is of course an adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game and Ender’s Shadow. I’m really hating not having trailers for movies so late in the year here. The cast on this one looks strong, but when something is loved as hardcore as Ender’s Game my guess is a big embarrassing failure. And Gavin Hood’s last movie being X-Men Origins: Wolverine… Sorry! Mr. Peabody & Sherman, hmm. Look I was a big fan of the cartoon, it was funny but smart children’s entertainment about a genius talking dog and his pet boy and their time travels. If they don’t get this completely totally soul crushingly wrong I will be shocked. Pass.
Thor: The Dark Worlds. Excuse me – Squeeeeeeeeeee! I will totally be in a theater for this one. Christopher Eccleston will be joining the returning cast, so another point of awesome. The one thing that gives me pause is that this’ll only be director Alan Taylor’s second movie. Please don’t jump the shark Thor! I’ll cry bitterly if this is bad. In the rain. While screaming “Whyyyy!” at random passing strangers.
Grudge Match is another Stallone movie, this time starring with Robert De Niro, about two boxers coming out of a fifty year retirement to have a rematch. And neither of them is Rocky or Jake La Motta, but they totally will be. Cue my morbid curiosity. Benedict Cumberbatch is also having a big year as he stars in yet another movie with biopic The Fifth Estate. This one is about Daniel Domscheit-Berg, Julian Assange, and WikiLeaks. Officially The Counselor is about an attorney trying to stay honest while getting involved in the drug world, but I think the description “No Country For Old Men on steroids” sounds more interesting if possibly hyperbolic. And Michael Fassbender is in it so it’s kinda required viewing for me.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. As Heather is the bigger Hunger Games fan of the two of us I think I’ll leave this one to her, but I think she’ll be glad to know that I at least have The Hunger Games in my possession to watch and am working on remedying the situation of my ignorance.
November 27th has Disney’s Frozen coming out, and I haven’t been this interested in a Disney movie in a while. If the final animation comes anywhere near the released artwork it will be stunning. Princess Anna and mountain man Kristoff go on a perilous journey after Anna’s half sister Elsa the Snow Queen puts a curse on Anna and the kingdom. I’m a little afraid to hope, but I really want to. Fingers crossed that this’ll be great.
Speaking of Disney, the 3-D rerelease of The Little Mermaid has been cancelled after rereleasing Monsters Inc. failed to bring in the cash. This makes me so sad, childhood attachment actually making this a contender to go see the movie aside, Little Mermaid is a more natural choice for 3-D over Monsters Inc. I would think (the ocean, dancing flamingos with water spouts, magic, etc.), and comparing the two just frosts me.
Heather: I don’t know, Eunice. I think you should have a little more faith in Ender’s Game. We’ve been steadily moving out of the wasteland that was Hollywood’s attempt at adapting works beloved by nerds. The Lord of the Rings series and The Avengers, for example, have given me more hope than I would have dared let myself feel prior to this millennium. I will admit I have trepidation at Gavin Hood being in charge. I’m just as wary of Mr. Peabody as you are, though. I don’t expect that to translate well to movie format at all. Those two can’t take away my pure joy at having another Thor movie, no matter what. The fact that it has Christoper Eccleston just makes my little fangirl heart feel light as a feather. What a wonderful way to keep me uplifted through the week of the 15th, which has absolutely nothing I’m interested in except maybe The Counselor. I keep forgetting you haven’t seen The Hunger Games. I’m more than happy to elaborate on my feelings about Catching Fire: It’s about to go down. I really loved the first one despite its (admittedly) many flaws. If this movie amps up the action, tension, and insanity half as much as the book from which it’s adapted, I’m going to have nothing to complain about. I’m not as confident in Frozen as Catching Fire, but unless the trailer just reeks I can’t see myself skipping it. As you said, the artwork is just amazing and I can’t be happier that we’re getting more 2D animation from Disney.
The movie I’m most excited about this month is hands down The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Let me throw more squee out here. I’m guessing this time around should cover Beorn, Mirkwood, Lake Town, and as the title suggests Smaug. Theaterworthy – turned up to eleven! Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas is out, it has Larry the Cable Guy, so that’s enough for me to know it’s a pass.
The Monument’s Men is set for the odd day of the eighteenth which is a Wednesday. It’s based on a book about a group of art experts who are supposed to track down art stolen by the Nazis. It’s got a lot of the same people from Argo, I get a feeling it’ll either be good or incredibly boring. Rental.
On the surface Last Vegas sounds like The Hangover with old guys, but I really like the cast here, and I’m hoping it’s better than just a knock off of an idea. Tom Hanks and Emma Thompson play Walt Disney and P.L. Travers, respectively, in Saving Mr. Banks. It’s about the twenty year battle between the two as Disney tried to get the rights to Mary Poppins and the production troubles. What’s with the huge gap sequels this year? 300, Sin City, (Bad Santa 2, has a loose December-ish date, my guess is it gets pushed back, though) and now Anchorman. Anchorman: The Legend Continues, Will Ferrell really isn’t my cuppa, the teaser trailer doesn’t change that opinion at all, pass. Walking with Dinosaurs has a write up of “Explores the world of dinosaurs using CGI creatures in real-world locations.” Which makes me Terra Nova-y bad dino effects, also kinda surprised it’s getting a nationwide release, hmm.
Franchise prequel Jack Ryan, is a definite see, and depending on events in a year I could be convinced to go to a theater for this. I wouldn’t think of Kenneth Branagh first as the director of a Cold War era terrorist thriller, but I’m intrigued. Not liking the idea of Keira Knightley as Mrs. Ryan though. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a remake I could, maybe, possibly be convinced to see this, but only as a rental. Timid photographer goes on adventure, has potential, and I haven’t completely given up on Ben Stiller yet. Another push back from 2012, 47 Ronin, not too interested in Keanu, but I’m a big fan of most of the rest of the cast -Ken Watanabe, Hiroyuki Sanada, and, the legend, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa- and I love the homage fueled story idea. That said, my prediction is it gets pushed back another year.
While it doesn’t have a specific release day, Gambit is a slick and funny looking con movie starring Colin Firth and Alan Rickman (he looks hilarious in the trailer), that’s a whole lot of things that I find irresistible in a movie. Not sure how I feel about Cameron Diaz sporting a thick southern accent though.
That… Was a little tough. 2013 is looking like a dark gloom with a few bright lights scattered here and there, and the occasional mediocre. But I had fun. Mostly. Not looking forward to October though, that’s for sure!
Heather: I talk a a big game but life is busy and funds are low, so I don’t make it all of the movies that I say I’m going to. That said, there is no way I am going to miss Desolation of Smaug in theaters. It’s so sad that I’m following up such fantastic fare with a sentence that involves the names Tyler Perry, Madea, and Larry the Cable Guy but here we are. I would be so happy if those three would stop existing on the big screen. I won’t even by renting The Monument’s Men, and even though I’m on the same page with you on Last Vegas I highly doubt I’ll be watching that one on any screen big or small, either. Saving Mr. Banks, on the other hand, is something I definitely want to see. I don’t think I need to see it in theaters, though, which is too bad because the rest of the weeks is made up of Will Ferrel and CGI dinosaurs that aren’t going on murderous rampages. From that we march straight on to Christmas Day and its abundance of movie fruitcake. There’s nothing coming out that day that I particularly want, but if I get desperate I could drag Secret Life or 47 Ronin out of the cabinet and take a bite.
Article wrap-up, article wrap-up! Let’s finish our squeeing and sneers!
Heather: While I am genuinely shocked that Eunice managed to out-grump me with her outlook of 2013, I can’t say I don’t see where she’s coming from. There are some truly infuriating things going on in Hollywood (I’m looking squarely at you, Oldboy remake) and a lot of lackluster months. It doesn’t help that this early on in the year there aren’t enough trailers out to give us a firmer grasp on those maybes that make up the majority of the latter six months. For me, at least, the good I have to look forward to more than outweighs was the bad. I’m totally shocked that there weren’t as many re-releases, remakes, and reboots as there have been the past two years, and that gives me hope. Thanks so much for reading our ramblings and rash opinions in this massive beast of an article. Now it’s your turn to tell us what you think of 2013. Are you guys optimistic or completely bummed about what lies ahead this year?