28
Nov
09

Saturday’s Six: Movie Roles That Will Haunt Actors Forever

1. Sylvester Stallone – “Stud” in Party at Kitty and Stud’s

Nobody can debate that Stallone’s had a stellar career — Rocky and Rambo foremost in his resume — but few people, us included, are willing to forget that his first major role was in a softcore porn.  Party at Kitty and Stud’s enjoyed a bit of post-Rocky resurgeance as they capitalized on Stallone’s newfound fame, and remains an ugly blot on his career.

Continue reading ‘Saturday’s Six: Movie Roles That Will Haunt Actors Forever’

27
Nov
09

Mutant Viewing: Boy Eat Girl

So, for the longest time (okay, the entire time) I’ve been typing my reviews on a desktop computer.  This isn’t bad, mind you.  I’m not going to complain, given that I’m aware that I’m lucky to even have a computer.  But still – my desktop is located in the guest room, the furthest point in our house from a TV.  Not very ideal for writing stuff down when you’re watching a movie.  What’s that, you say?  What’s wrong with using a pen and paper?  Well, have you ever SEEN my handwriting?  Deciphering ancient Arabic is probably easier, and I don’t speak the language.

So, anyway, I got a shiny new laptop for my anniversary/Christmas/Valentine’s Day present this year.  Pretty spiffy, yay hubby.  And what better way to celebrate than to do a mutant viewing of the cultiest film we could find?

I bring you Boy Eats Girl.

Continue reading ‘Mutant Viewing: Boy Eat Girl’

26
Nov
09

Justin does Let The Right One In [plus retro review]

“Are you a vampire?”

The Scoop: 2008 R, directed by Tomas Alfredson and starring Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson and Per Ragnar

Tagline: Oscar, an overlooked and bullied boy, finds love and revenge through Eli, a beautiful but peculiar girl who turns out to be a vampire.

Summary Capsule: A young outcast boy gets a crush on the weird new girl and doesn’t seem to mind at all that she only gives him advice at night.

Continue reading ‘Justin does Let The Right One In [plus retro review]‘

25
Nov
09

Heather does Metropolis

“It was their hands that built this city of ours, Father. But where do those hands fit in your scheme?”

The Scoop: 1927, Directed by Fritz Lang and starring Alfred Abel, Brigette Helm, Gustav Frohlich and Rudolf Klein-Rogge

Tagline: There can be no understanding between the hands and the brain unless the heart acts as mediator.

Summary Capsule: Boy meets girl, girl prophecies a savior, girl is replaced by stripper robot…typical dystopian fare, really.

Continue reading ‘Heather does Metropolis’

24
Nov
09

Lissa does Little Miss Sunshine

“Everyone, just… pretend to be normal.”

The Scoop: 2006 R, directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valarie Faris and starring Abigail Breslin, Greg Kinnear and Alan Arkin

Tagline: Where’s Olive?

Summary Capsule: Little girl wants to participate in creepy misogynistic ritual- er, beauty pageant.

Continue reading ‘Lissa does Little Miss Sunshine’

24
Nov
09

Movie News

23
Nov
09

Drew does Swingers [plus retro reviews]

“Baby, you are so money and you don’t even know it!”

The Scoop: 1996 R, directed by Doug Liman and starring Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn and Heather Graham

Tagline: Get a nightlife.

Summary Capsule: Jon Favreau spends an hour and a half convincing us he can’t get any girl he wants, then gets a super-hot girl. Go figure.

Continue reading ‘Drew does Swingers [plus retro reviews]‘

21
Nov
09

Saturday’s Six: Thanksgiving Movies

It seems odd to us how Christmas gets more than its fair share of holiday movies, while Thanksgiving gets bumped to the bench in the theaters.  So here are six Thanksgiving-themed films that we’ve dug up to get into the spirit of pumpkin pie, turkey and awkward family get-togethers:


1. National Lampoon’s Thanksgiving Family Reunion

The National Lampoon rule of thumb is that if it isn’t Animal House, any of the Vacation movies (and even not all of those), or the first Van Wilder, it’s going to suck harder than the cold vaccuum of space.  That goes with Thanksgiving Family Reunion, which plumbs the depths of comedic sewage for a few lost nuggets of funny but fails, even with the sterling presence of “My Name Is” Judge Reinhold.

Continue reading ‘Saturday’s Six: Thanksgiving Movies’

20
Nov
09

Kyle does House of the Devil

“We actually don’t have a child.”

The Scoop: 2009 R, directed by Ti West and starring Jocelin Donahue, Tom Noonan, and Greta Gerwig.

Tagline: Talk on the phone. Finish your homework. Watch TV. Die.

Summary Capsule: A young college student desperate for rent money takes on one of those demonic babysitter jobs.  Still, better than working at Dairy Queen.

Continue reading ‘Kyle does House of the Devil’

19
Nov
09

Poster Dissection: The Hottie and the Nottie

In this edition of our poster dissection series, where we break down the critical elements of an advertisement we’ve spent way, way too much time looking over, we’re going to harken your worst nightmare: The Hottie and the Nottie.

  1. Let’s start with the title.  “The Hottie & the Nottie” might well be one of the most insipid names ever devised by a movie studio, but that’s not the poster’s fault.  No, the poster is to blame for using different colors on the letters so we’d totally understand that, like, she’s HOT and she’s NOT.  Listen, if you have to go that far just to make things clear, perhaps you’re shooting over your intended demographic’s heads.
  2. Because if you’re going to capitalize on Paris Hilton and you’re not using a night-vision shot, you might as well haul out her single biggest contribution to world civilization: a tired catch-phrase.
  3. Oh, we’re going to get to the “Nottie” in a second, but I have to ask — is there a nuclear detonation happening behind them somewhere?  Why is it so insanely bright that her hair is being swallowed up by what appears to be the sun?
  4. How to make someone ugly in five simple steps: unibrow, pimples, bad teeth, clueless expression, and a hair color that isn’t Hiltony blonde.  Oh, and having the words “That’s Not” hovering nearby isn’t helping your case.
  5. To subtly drive the point home, Ms. Hot is wearing a skimpy… whatever that thing is (doily?), while Ms. Not is wearing a body-covering one piece.  That’s presumably to hide Kuato popping out of her stomach.
  6. AHH! ZOMBIE LEGS!  That’s so not hot!
  7. “Get behind me, Satan!”  (That’s a little Mark 8:33 action going on right there, which I guess means that Paris thinks she’s Jesus.  I’m not surprised.  After all, she turns pure crap into box office gold.)



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About MRFH

"It's like sitting in your basement, watching those weird movies with your friends" -- this was the original vision for Mutant Reviewers. Since 1997, our crack staff of writers have put themselves through a gauntlet of some of the best and worst cult flicks in the world, all for the sake of research, entertainment and bragging rights. This is our story.

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